The narcissist knows the kids are in the room, yet they continue to do whatever it is they're doing or even saying anyway. What do I mean by that? Today, you get to find out.
I've lost count of how many parents have sat across from me saying, "But they wouldn't do it if the kids were watching, right?" Wrong. They absolutely do.
These things narcissists do in front of children that should never happen are all too common in houses where there is a narcissistic parent. I want to be loud and clear, here. If this sounds like your spouse, you need to take action now.
1 They name call in front of them
I can already feel my blood boiling as I picture these innocent faces falling witness to one parent name calling another, yet it's a sad reality that so many kids face in their everyday life. And I really mean every single day.
There doesn't even have to be screaming involved; it can just be those toxic, casual slips that come without any kind of drama or raised voices attached to it. Your mother is being dramatic again, right kids? Daddy is in one of his moods again.
One client told me her son started calling her 'drama queen' at age seven. He had no idea what it meant. He just knew it made his dad laugh. Heartbreaking, isn't it?
Mommy hates any kind of fun, doesn't she? These kinds of statements act as an invite for the kids to play along and be horrible, too. Agreeing for the sake of seeing a parent who is usually abusive and horrible to laugh?
That's where kids want to be, and so they learn to poke fun at you like it really is the best part of their day.
This is triangulation in plain sight, a narcissist's favorite game to play to draw huge wedges between people in order for that inevitable fallout that they will deny being responsible for.
2 They slam doors and throw things near you, but not at you
It's all a huge, immature act of intimidation, and unfortunately if there are kids involved, that intimidation will carry over to them, too. Children see:
Plates being thrown across the room. A chair shoved across the kitchen. A glass being thrown into the sink with such force that it shatters. I didn't touch you! I didn't come near you!
The child hears the excuses, but sees the entire thing play out, and their nervous system reacts to it all. As time goes on, that child will be flinching every time a door shuts too hard, or when a glass smashes by mistake.
They won't know why these things affect them, but the memory is stored in the body, and that's where it will stay. I don't have to tell you that this should never happen.
I had a client tell me her little boy started apologizing to the walls. Every time a cupboard banged, he'd whisper sorry. He was four. Four years old.
Children don't need to grow up in a volatile environment, where every single day is unknown until they step into it. They need a loving, secure home where, yes, disagreements occur, but chaos and abuse does not.
Not only do you as the partner of a narcissist have to pick up the pieces (literally and metaphorically), but you also have to soothe your children who will inevitably be affected by the behavior of the narcissist in front of your children.
Narcissists have a habit of owning the mood of the house. Their mood is what everyone else picks up on, and they tiptoe around it day after day. Children should also not have to do that, but those who are raised by a narcissistic parent end up doing so.
Throwing things near you but never at you doesn't mean you're not being abused. It means the narcissist doesn't want to be punished for leaving evidential proof on you that they hurt you. But the pain in doing this? Yeah. It's there for you and your kids.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are Alone3 They use your child as a witness
You heard what daddy said to me, right? You saw the way mommy treated me while we were waiting in line. Naughty mommy! Oh, spare me.
Kids are young and impressionable, and if the narcissistic parent is going to cut in and try everything they can to cause division, then what hope is there for a non-fractured family? None!
I had a client whose six year old started parroting, "Mommy is being mean again," before he even knew what mean meant. That's not a kid talking. That's a script.
The child won't know what to say or do, and will probably end up looking at the floor, hoping for it all to blow over.
If done enough, the child will unfortunately learn to say or do the right thing to please the narcissistic parent and that will backfire everything onto you. This is a form of grooming, and should be taken far more seriously than it probably is.
Toxic parents like to train their kids from as early as possible to agree and comply with them in order to have allies later in life. In your own home this can take place, remember that. It should never happen.
4 They discuss sex right in front of them
The most personal subject of all, and absolutely not suitable for children to hear, yet narcissists will not hesitate to bring up the topic when it suits them, no matter who may be in earshot.
This all goes back to the fact that for most normal people, sex is private and not discussed in the open. It's sacred, and special, and should be treated that way at all times, even through conversation.
For the narcissist, sex is a weapon, and so talking about sex is also that same weapon.
I had a client whose ex would say things like, "Mommy looks good in those jeans, doesn't she?" right in front of their seven year old. Gross, isn't it?
Children don't need to be a witness to the shenanigans of adults, and they don't need the leery, inappropriate comments coming from the narcissistic parent, or the grab of the bottom, or the comment about how your body looks in that outfit and what they'd like to do underneath it.
Children don't have words for any of that; they will only remember how their discomfort around you during those moments makes them feel.
Sooner or later, they will either repel the narcissistic parent because of it, or act like them and become too old and mature in their young years, which can be trouble in itself.
Keep sex talk for when the kids are in bed, and if you live with a narcissist, understand that their behavior around this subject is going to have an effect on your kids forever.
5 They hold back on affection toward the child to get at you
I see this the most frequently in your messages to me. It's also the one thing narcissists do in front of their kids that nobody outside the house could possibly begin to believe, so it makes it even tougher for you.
An example of this might be that you had a huge argument the previous night, and the next morning your child comes over to your narcissistic spouse for a cuddle. Not now! The child looks confused, wondering what the heck is going on.
A mom messaged me last week saying her four year old asked, "Why doesn't daddy like me today?" Try sitting with that one. It's gut wrenching, isn't it?
They walk away and are sad at this rejection. You know what happened. The narcissist is still reeling from the argument, and they're freezing their own child out to get at you and make you pay.
They know you'll feel anger and hurt for the child, and that will be the exact feelings the narcissist wants you to carry around for the rest of the day. Kids then learn to tiptoe around this toxic parent, wondering what they did wrong.
Rightly so, it will make you think, "I can take what happened, but I can't take watching my own child be invisible."
6 They Talk Trash About You The Second You Leave The Room
You walk out to grab the laundry, the mail, whatever it is, and the second the door clicks behind you, the show starts.
"Your mom is so dramatic, isn't she?"
"Your dad never listens, you've noticed that too, right?"
And they say it casually, like they're commenting on the weather. That's the part that gets me. It's not a screaming rant. It's a little drip, drip, drip into your child's ear while you're out of earshot.
I've had clients tell me they only found out because the kid repeated it back word for word at bedtime. Imagine that. You're tucking them in and out comes a sentence that isn't theirs.
What it does to a child? It puts them in an impossible spot. They love you. They also want to keep the peace with the parent who's whispering. So they learn to nod along, and they learn to keep secrets from you.
That's not co parenting. That's recruitment. And kids should never be recruited against a parent they love.
7 Tantrums At The Dinner Table (Theirs, Not The Kid's)
Picture it. Family dinner. Plates down, forks up, kids ready to eat. And then the narcissist decides the chicken is dry, or the peas are cold, or somebody used the wrong glass.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseCue the sigh. The shove of the plate. The muttering under the breath that everyone can hear because that's the whole point.
"I work all day and this is what I come home to?"
The kids freeze. Forks halfway to their mouths. Nobody knows whether to keep eating or put it down. Do you remember that feeling? That awful, walking on eggshells, holding your breath kind of feeling?
And here's the maddening part. If one of the kids had thrown a tantrum like that, they'd be sent to their room in a heartbeat. But the adult? The actual grown up? Gets to ruin the meal, suck the air out of the room, and call it a bad day.
Kids learn from this. They learn that the loudest person wins. They learn that dinner isn't safe. And that stays with them longer than you'd think.
