Do you ever get home a little earlier than usual from work and catch a little sight of the narcissist doing something that you struggle to comprehend? You aren't alone!
When you see that strange phrase or name in a search bar, catch them staring or posing, you want explanations, right?
A client once told me she walked in on her ex whispering compliments to himself in the bathroom mirror. She froze. He didn't even flinch. Just kept going. Creepy, right?
I'm here for that today. I'm here for all the embarrassment they feel, and I want to explain it all to you. When they think nobody is watching, this is exactly what the narcissist is doing.
1 They stare at themselves for far too long
Where do I even begin?! I am actually laughing to myself as I write this because I know full well how much narcissists love a mirror. This isn't about a single glance, this is a full on stare; an obsessive pose and lingering look at themselves.
A narcissist will stand completely still, looking in the mirror at themselves and their thoughts will be racing with so many things. They'll fix their hair, making sure it looks just right.
They're debating how others will see them, and if it will be how they see themselves, or any different.
Don't get me wrong, yes, there is a surface level of vanity around this mirror usage, but it's more to do with a narcissist wanting to see a person they want to believe in. If I could describe it as a real, honest thought from them directly, it'd be:
I want people to think I'm confident.
I had a client once tell me she walked in on her ex doing this. He didn't flinch, didn't apologise, just kept rehearsing his smile like she wasn't even there.
I want people to think I'm successful and that I am a person who is friendly, kind and caring. This is how that sort of person would present, and how they'd smile. This is a genuine me, and I am going to practise it until it's perfected.
Answer me this though; if you were that person, why would any of it need to be rehearsed? Why couldn't it just be a normal way for you to be, rather than something you need to think about in advance?
I will tell you now that this is what I'm talking about when I say creepy.
To pretend to be someone else, but to make sure you have it down to a tee before you present it to the world is so disturbing, but that's how convincing a narcissist wants to be. Ultimately, it's about fooling everyone. They will stop at nothing.
2 The 2am ex tab is strong
Last online at 02:45. What? That doesn't make sense, you think. The narcissist was sleeping next to you all night, and they didn't get up to check their phone. Well, at least that's what you think. The reality is far more of a contrast.
I had a client once who found her partner's phone open at 3am, scrolling his ex's vacation photos from four years ago. Four years! Who does that? A narcissist, that's who.
The reality is that while you were sleeping, the narcissist crept out of bed, grabbed their phone and headed to the bathroom just to check their exe's social media, or to see if they replied to the narcissist's latest flirty message.
The narcissist replied to a text while they were up, and then went back to bed as if nothing happened.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIf you could get hold of their phone, you'd see a search history to be ashamed of, and it would tell you the truth as to who the narcissist really is. The moment they're alone, the creepiness goes up a good few notches.
The narcissist is comparing themselves to everyone else day and night, seven days a week. They don't want to be forgotten, and so they push and push themselves out into the world in as many ways as possible, even if it means doing it in secret.
3 They watch you sleep (and love it for all the wrong reasons)
I'd love to say how sweet and romantic this was, watching you rest peacefully and thinking to themselves how lucky they are to be with you, but no. It is not that.
There's no cuteness behind staring at you, observing you, and doing so in the flattest, most blank of manners. A narcissist watches you sleep because they love to see you at your most vulnerable.
They know you're not even remotely aware of them hovering over you in this creepy way, yet they could spend all night keeping physical tabs on you.
A client told me she woke up once and caught him just standing there, arms folded, staring. He said, "I was just checking you were breathing." She never slept the same again.
While a narcissist is watching you sleep, they know they don't have an audience, or anyone to judge them for doing it. Running through their mind is a list of ways they hurt you yesterday, and an even bigger list of ways they can hurt you tomorrow.
It's a little time for them to gather some control up, and think about how to execute it in the most convincing, terrifying way. Abuse never sleeps, so while you are, the narcissist is plotting and planning behind your back. Don't say I didn't warn you.
4 They talk (yes, really) to photos
I don't care who the photo is of, the narcissist will talk to them. It might be an old friend, an ex, or a parent who has passed. Here's the thing you need to know about this:
The narcissist still has hang ups on people or something they once may have said. It won't matter who that person is, or whether they're still around or not. The fact is, the narcissist still feels as though they're being judged by people who are absent.
A client of mine once walked in on her ex muttering at a photo of his late father, going, "Bet you didn't see me coming this far, did you?" She froze in the doorway. Wouldn't you?
You were wrong about me. I told you. One day, I knew this would happen. You'll see. It's creepy to think that this isn't just a simple, "I miss you mom," moment.
It's a narcissist still wanting to get even with certain people who aren't there to defend themselves or give their own side of the story.
5 They smell (yes, even more really) your things
Hold onto your seats for this one, folks, because it's about to get pretty weird. A narcissist smells your stuff. There. I said it.
Now don't get me wrong, I know sometimes the smell of a perfume can be so nice when it's someone you love, and a wistful smell of a scarf can make a person in love feel giddy. Nope.
One client told me she came home early and found him holding her gym shirt to his face. He didn't even flinch. Just said, "I miss you when you're at work." Creepy, right?
Not that. The hairbrush is sniffed as much as the dirty towels. Why? The simple and honest answer is that you're not there to control what they do.
It's like when a cat goes around and rubs himself on everything to mark its territory, only this is a human who only looks creepy doing it.
A narcissist doing this is doing it to remind themselves that they are in charge of you, and it's their warped, crazy way of getting that kick. I did tell you to hold onto your seats…
6 They love to practise their sad faces
Have you ever seen a narcissist look sad? Before you knew they were a narcissist, you fell for that sad face, didn't you? You were convinced something was wrong, or that they were going through a really bad day and needed you. Now?
I had a client describe walking in on her ex doing it in the bathroom mirror. Eyes welling on cue, lip wobble, the whole thing. She froze. He didn't even flinch.
Now you know the truth, but you have to ask yourself:
How was it that they were so good at being sad? It's because of this. They rehearsed it to perfection, knowing they would get to use it at some point or another on you.
When expressions are practised like this, a narcissist wants to appear wounded, misunderstood, sad, brave; whatever it may be. When the time comes to use it, they know just how to appear genuine, so you drop everything to be by their side.
7 They Rehearse Conversations Out Loud (And You're In Them)
Picture this. They're pacing the kitchen, mug in hand, muttering. Not to themselves exactly. To you.
"So if you say that, I'll say this. And if you cry, I'll just walk out."
Creepy, right? They're scripting the next argument before it even happens. Your lines, their lines, the comeback that makes them look reasonable and you look unhinged.
I had a client once who walked in on her partner doing this in the bathroom mirror. Full conversation. Her name, her tone, even a little impression of how she sighs. She froze. She didn't even know what to say. What do you say?
And here's the thing. When you finally do have that conversation with them, it feels off. You can't put your finger on it, but their answers are too smooth. Too ready. That's because they've already had it. Three times. Maybe more.
You weren't talking to your partner. You were walking into a play they'd already blocked out, and you didn't even get a script.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists8 The Late Night Voice Note They Never Send
It's 1am, and the narcissist is sitting in the dark with their phone. They've opened the voice note function, and they're recording.
What are they saying? Oh, you'd love to know. Sometimes it's a long, rambling apology that almost sounds real. Sometimes it's a rage filled rant about how you ruined everything. Sometimes it's a sad little, "I miss you, I don't know why I'm like this."
And then? Delete. Or save in drafts. Never sent.
Why record it at all? Because they need somewhere to put it. All that mess inside them has to go somewhere, and they're not going to sit with it. They're not going to actually face it. So they perform it to nobody, and that's enough to take the edge off.
It's creepy because it's so close to being human, isn't it? So close to being a person doing the work. But the send button never gets pressed, because pressing it would mean being seen. And being seen is the one thing they can't do.
