As you open one eye to detect what the light is in your room at 3:02am, you notice it's coming from your phone. The narcissist is awake.
A client of mine once told me, "He'd send these long, weepy messages at 3am, then act like nothing happened by lunchtime." Sound familiar? I bet it does.
They want to reach out to you, and you might be thinking, "Wow, I am so loved."
Don't be fooled. There is nothing remotely loving about a narcissist hitting you up at 3am, in fact, I want to go as far as showing you exactly what's going on in their heads at this ridiculous time.
This is one moment the narcissist's mood and motive are as dark as the sky outside.
1 Who they can text at that moment in time
The narcissist will lay awake in the dark just to think about who they can text. It should be a time of rest, but narcissists really don't know the meaning of the word, as their toxic brains are always ticking along, wondering where to lay the damage down next.
Of course, they could do something as mind numbing as scrolling the news or going through their emails, but what they really want to do is find the perfect person to fire out a text to. And so, they think. Who has flirted with them before?
Which ex is most likely to still be awake?
I had a client show me her phone once, three messages from her ex at 3:14am. "Hey stranger." "You up?" "Miss your laugh." Sent to her, and probably four other women that same night.
What about the new woman from the gym who joined the gym's group chat? They all count, and all are likely contenders, too. You know what?
I think I'll have the narcissist down to send a text to all of the aforementioned, because at least one will get back to them, right? Don't mistake this move as one born from loneliness.
The narcissist is simply calculating their next move, and they want to know who is going to be a part of it.
2 The person who wronged them years ago
Well, this could and likely will be a very long list, but the narcissist has got all the time in the world at 3am to go through all the people who have slighted them over the years.
From the boss who refused their promotion, to the one who walked away and exposed them. Maybe even that girl from 10th grade who teased them about their shoes back in the day.
I had a client tell me her ex still ranted about a coworker from 2009 who got the corner office. Nine years later, and he could quote the exact email word for word.
It keeps the narcissist's mind ticking over, and as these scenes are replayed word for word, they feel and remain like fresh wounds. The narcissist thinking about them is akin to watering the thoughts to keep them from dying, and that's what the middle of the night is all about.
This leads into the reality that nothing you ever do is forgiven. If the narcissist refuses to forgive someone from 20 years ago, then why should they grant you any grace?
3 How to win the argument that started last Thursday
We all know the argument started and ended last week, and you have since moved on and got on with your life, no problem. Except there is a problem. That problem is the narcissist, and they aren't going to quit until they've discovered and executed the perfect comeback.
I had a client tell me her ex texted at 4am with, "By the way, what you said last Thursday was actually really hurtful." She'd already forgotten the conversation. He hadn't.
Lying in the dark and thinking of how they can hurt you or seek revenge is, for them at least, the perfect time to do so.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneIt will be rehearsed, and all avenues explored as they conjure up their next move, and you won't suspect a thing as you lay there fast asleep. Be prepared for that argument to begin all over again, because that's precisely what will happen.
This is why nobody is safe around a narcissist; they have all their moves up their sleeves ready.
4 What other people think of them
Don't think about this as the egotistical assumption that the narcissist believes everyone loves them. This is not that. It's widely thought that a narcissist is that much in love with themselves, but that love is nothing but a mask worn for pseudo-confidence.
They don't actually think this at all, in fact, they fear and know they aren't liked by all, and that's the kind of thought that keeps them awake in the early hours.
To go even deeper into what other people think, the narcissist will remember specific moments that cement the belief that certain people have an issue with them.
And then comes the 3am replay. "Did Sarah seem off at lunch? Was that smile fake? Why didn't Mike text back?" Round and round it goes, picking apart every micro expression from the day.
This can be the joke somebody didn't laugh at while they were at work, or the post on social media yesterday that only got two likes. What is this? Has the narcissist lost their touch?
It feels to the narcissist like they have no friends, and that they're losing their ability to charm everybody at all times. For them, that will keep their minds ticking over as the darkness rolls into its next hour.
5 Whether you're peacefully sleeping
Things are about to get a little dark here, but stay with me, because I mean what I say, and I feel you need to read it. The narcissist knows that you're sleeping. You know what is so twisted? That they hate the fact that you're sleeping.
They think back to the night before as a whole, where they tried to start trouble with you, and deliberately upset you right before bed.
I had a client tell me her ex would slam cupboard doors at 3am and then say, "What? I was just getting water." Every single time. Sound familiar?
To see you sleeping peacefully is a pain to them. You somehow managed to get your sleep, and they are wondering if they've lost their touch.
This can sometimes lead to the narcissist making purposeful noise to actually wake you up and then blame something random like a noise outside or a security light they saw come on.
If you're sleeping peacefully, the narcissist will want to do all they can to impose their anger about it onto you. This is a sheer toxic form of boredom, and one where surprise surprise, you suffer the most.
6 Their very next move
Of course. The classic next move. Everything seems so impromptu with a narcissist, doesn't it? Off the cuff, they snap and shout, or accuse you, but believe me, it's all premeditated. By 3:45, the narcissist will have their next plan and move mapped out in their wide awake minds.
They will execute it the next morning, and ensure it starts as naturally as possible. That's when they will attack, develop ice cold intentions, or run you through their power mill.
One client told me her ex would wake her up cheerful at breakfast, then by lunch he'd brought up some tiny thing from three weeks ago. Coincidence? Not a chance.
The problem a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse find is that there is a script running in the background, and that script is never going to work in your favor. Don't mistake the fact that they're awake with the belief that they're struggling to sleep.
Sometimes, a plan is getting the go ahead, and by the time the sun rises, they will be causing the next round of drama.
It's hard when you wake up not knowing how they're going to be with you, or wondering what that day will have in store for your wellbeing. This is a great insight into the narcissist's vantage point.
With a little bit of luck, it will help you at least start to predict these cruel and calculated moves. 3am is the perfect time for scheming and remembering all the ways the narcissist has been been wronged, and that's how they spend their night time.
7 The One Who Got Away (And Dared To Stay Away)
There's always one, isn't there? That one person who walked. Not just walked, but stayed gone. Didn't come back for one more chat, didn't answer the "hey stranger" text, didn't crumble when the love bomb landed in their inbox at 2am.
And at 3am, that person lives rent-free in the narcissist's head.
Why? Because every other ex eventually answered. Every other ex took the bait, even if just to say, "Please leave me alone." That's still a response. That's still supply.
But this one? Nothing. Silence. A wall.
They lie there wondering, "What did they figure out? Who told them? How are they doing it?" Because in their head, nobody leaves them and actually thrives. Nobody.
The thought of you out there, happy, calm, building something good, not thinking about them at all… it eats them alive.
And the worst part for them? They can't do a thing about it. You closed that door, locked it, and threw the key in the ocean.
Good.
8 That Comment Somebody Made At Dinner
You know the one. Three days ago. Somebody at the table casually said, "Oh, I didn't realize you weren't actually managing the team anymore," and the whole table sort of paused.
It was nothing, really. A throwaway line. Nobody else even remembers it.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseBut the narcissist? Oh, they remember. They are replaying it on loop at 3am, frame by frame, like a detective going over CCTV.
Who said it? Why did they say it like that? Was there a smirk? Did the others know something? Were they laughing at me when I went to the bathroom?
And then the worst question of all, "Do people actually see me the way I want them to be seen?"
This is the stuff that eats them alive. Not big betrayals. Tiny social paper cuts. A comment, a glance, somebody not laughing hard enough at their joke.
You sleep through these moments because you're a normal person. They lie awake constructing entire conspiracies out of them.
Exhausting way to live, isn't it?
