Do you ever get that feeling? You know the one. You're sitting at a coffee shop, scrolling through your phone, and the back of your neck starts to prickle. You glance up. Nobody's there. But something in your gut tells you, "They know where I am right now."
That's not paranoia. That's your nervous system doing exactly what it was built to do.
Narcissists watch. It's what they do. It's almost like breathing for them, this constant low level surveillance of the people they've decided belong to them. And the worst part? They've gotten really, really good at making you feel crazy for noticing.
That Pair of Eyes You Can Feel
Let's start with the obvious one. The feeling.
You don't see them, but you sense them. It's that sticky, prickly thing that crawls up your spine when you're walking home, or pulling into your driveway, or just standing in your own kitchen making toast. Your body is telling you something your eyes can't confirm yet.
I always say this to clients, and I'll say it to you now: do not dismiss that feeling. We're trained, especially women, especially people who've been gaslit for years, to override our intuition. "I'm overthinking it." "I'm being dramatic." "I sound paranoid."
No, you sound aware. There's a difference.
Where Does That Unease Actually Live in Your Body?
And speaking of awareness, take a minute. Where do you feel it?
For some people, it's the stomach. That tight, twisted feeling when you check your phone and see a notification you weren't expecting. For others, it's the chest. That fluttery, racing heart when you think you might run into them at the grocery store.
Some folks get it in the shoulders, hunched up around their ears like they're bracing for impact all day long.
Have a think about it. Do you feel anxious knowing they probably know your work schedule? Do you feel a wave of panic at the thought of being alone in the parking lot?
Does your heart pick up when you walk past the café you used to go to together, knowing they might be in there waiting?
These aren't dramatic responses. These are real, physical reactions to a real, physical threat. And the fact that the threat is sneaky, quiet, and deniable doesn't make it any less real. If anything, it makes it worse.
Ignoring It Won't Make It Stop
Now, I want to gently dismantle a hope you might be carrying around. The hope that if you just keep your head down, live your life, don't engage, the narcissist will eventually get bored and wander off.
They won't.
If you go silent, they'll dig harder. If you go offline, they'll ask around. If you move, they'll find out where you moved to. Their attention isn't something you can starve out by being still. In fact, your stillness reads to them like an invitation. "Oh, she's just sitting there.
Let me see what she's doing now."
So what do you actually do?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou hit block. You hit it a lot. You make your accounts private. You audit your friends list, ruthlessly, and you remove the people who you know talk to them. Yes, even the ones who insist they would never. You stop sharing the small details. The gym you go to.
The new café you found. The road trip you're planning. None of it goes online in real time. Post it after you're back, if at all.
It feels harsh, doesn't it? It feels like you're shrinking your own life to manage somebody else's behavior. I get it. But this isn't shrinking. This is fortifying. There's a difference.
Control Is Always the Point
So why are they watching? Why bother? You'd think after a breakup, or after you've gone no contact, they'd just move on with the next victim and forget about you.
But here's what I've learned from years of doing this work. Narcissists don't really collect people. They collect control over people. And control without information is impossible. So they have to know.
What you're wearing. Who you're laughing with. Whether you've cut your hair. If you got a new job. Whether the car in your driveway belongs to a date.
Whether you look happy in your latest photo, or whether there's a little tightness around your eyes that suggests you're not as okay as you're pretending to be.
Every little data point feeds the file they're keeping on you. And they will pull from that file later. Trust me. Whether it's six weeks from now, or six years.
The Flying Monkeys Have Eyes Too
Here's the thing nobody warns you about. The narcissist doesn't actually have to watch you themselves. They have an entire network of people who'll do it for them.
Family. Mutual friends. Old coworkers. That cousin who you thought was on your side. The mother in law who suddenly wants to "check in." Even your own friends, sometimes, without realizing they're being pumped for information.
I had a client once who couldn't figure out how her ex always seemed to know what she was up to. She'd gone no contact. Changed her number. Locked her socials. And still, somehow, he'd send a passive aggressive comment through their kid that referenced something she'd done that weekend.
Took her months to work it out. It was her best friend's husband. Who played football with the ex. Who would casually mention things over a beer like, "Yeah, the girls went to that wine thing on Saturday, it looked fun."
He had no idea he was feeding the machine. He thought he was making small talk.
That's how easy it is.
So expect the call from the cousin asking what you've been up to. Expect the random "hey stranger!" text from the friend you haven't heard from in two years. Expect the friend request from somebody you barely know, who happens to follow your ex. None of it is innocent.
Treat all of it like a leak.
Social Media Is Their Open Window
And if they're watching anywhere, it's here.
It doesn't even have to be from their own account. They've got the burner accounts. They've got the fake names. They've got the cousin's profile they're scrolling through. They've got the ex friend who still follows you and screenshots everything.
If your account is public, you've basically handed them a live feed. If you post everything, every meal, every workout, every sad lyric you're feeling at midnight, you're giving them the whole script. Good days, bad days, in between days. They get the lot.
And the bad days are gold to them. Truly. Nothing fuels a narcissist quite like seeing you struggle. It confirms their narrative. "See? She can't cope without me." They'll never say that to your face, but they're saying it to themselves, and to anybody who'll listen.
So please. Please. Stop posting in real time. Stop tagging your location. Lock your stories. Audit your followers. And if you wouldn't read a post out loud to the narcissist's mother at a dinner party, don't put it online.
Your Habits Become Their "Coincidences"
This next one is sinister. Let me tell you about a woman I worked with a few years back.
She had a sister in law. Difficult woman. Classic covert narcissist energy. My client kept making the mistake of mentioning things in passing, the way you do with family.
"Oh, I joined this Pilates class on Wednesday nights, I love it." "Oh, there's this beautiful walk by the river, you should try it sometime." "Oh, we're heading to Edinburgh for a weekend, I've always wanted to go."
Within weeks, the sister in law had joined the Pilates class. Was making best friends with the instructor. Was walking that route, posting glowing reviews of it online. Booked her own weekend in Edinburgh and was tagging all the same spots my client had wanted to visit.
And the sister in law's line? "Oh, what a funny coincidence! I love that too!"
It wasn't a coincidence. It was theft. Of routine, of joy, of the small private things that belonged to my client. The narcissist hadn't watched her with binoculars. She'd just listened, very carefully, every time my client opened her mouth.
That's why I tell people: the narcissist already knows what you like. They already know your favorite coffee, your usual route, your gym day. So when you "bump into" them somewhere? Stop calling it luck. It's planning.
Why They Insist on Knowing
I'll put it plainly. You've got something they want.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatYou've got a life that runs on your own terms now. You've got friends who actually like you. You've got mornings that don't start with dread. You've got opinions you say out loud without checking the room first.
And they hate that. Not because they want you back, necessarily, but because your thriving is a mirror and they don't like what it reflects.
If they're an ex, they're watching to see if you'll fall apart. If you do, they'll feel vindicated. "See? She needed me." If you don't, they'll work to bring you down. Either way, the watching never really stops, it just changes shape.
Which is why protecting your life, your information, your routines, isn't paranoid. It's basic maintenance. Like locking your front door. You wouldn't leave it wide open just because most people aren't burglars. You'd lock it because some people are.
Same thing here. Lock the door. Keep locking it.
