When it comes to narcissists, there's a layer of charm that can easily be rubbed away and left for the truth to spill out.
Here is where I do that today, because I want to talk about the dark rituals narcissists keep to themselves, where charm doesn't exist, and their performance becomes something more private just for them.
And honestly? Once you see these little rituals, you can't unsee them. Suddenly all those weird moments you couldn't explain start clicking into place. Creepy, right?
These aren't pretend, either. They're real, and I think that's what can be disturbing for people who are still getting to know these toxic characters. I hope you're ready for all the little dark rituals narcissists keep to themselves.
1 They have to check a mirror each time they pass one
I'm not kidding. It's Every. Single. Mirror. Even their reflection in the car as they go to open it, a narcissist has to check themselves out wherever possible. You know, I even heard of a woman whose husband looked at his reflection in their kettle.
I mean, this is an extreme I just know will make you all laugh as it did me, for sure!
A client of mine once said her ex would pause mid sentence to fix his hair in the microwave door. Mid sentence! Who does that and thinks it's normal?
It isn't a glance, or sometimes a silly face like I can do into the reflection of a spoon; this is real, and it's a check. What a narcissist wants is that brief reassurance that their face is still doing what it's meant to do. How is their hair?
How's the pout looking? How do other people see them? It all matters. I know it may not seem like a ritual, but when it's as regular as it is, we can safely say it's down as one.
I don't think it's endearing at all, although any narcissist out there would probably argue against that.
2 The notebook that keeps score
I know what you're thinking here. What? Are you kidding? Not every narcissist has a notebook, but every narcissist keeps score somehow. That might be in their notes on their phone, or even some kind of post-it system where they write little notes down.
Sometimes, yes, it is a notebook, and it's kept in a drawer. Someone who used to see me professionally told me her father kept a notebook growing up of all the people he had given money to, even if it was an offer and not a loan.
"Carol, I gave her $40 a few years back.
And the worst part? They will pull from that notebook months, even years later. "Remember when you forgot my birthday in 2019?" Yes, they really do go there.
She only thanked me once." "Colin, I paid for three meals out before the soccer games, and he has only paid for 2. He owes me a meal." "Adam, he owes me after I helped him clear his yard after that storm."
I know this can feel unbelievable to think about, but I really want you to know how deep this can get, and how much a narcissist just loves to never forget every little detail about everyone they know.
Every slight, every invention even, can be logged and kept as some kind of toxic evidence that the world is against the narcissist, when in fact, the truth is, the narcissist is just obsessed with everyone being in their debt.
I want to talk about you here, because the notebook will even contain all the times you laughed just a little bit too long at someone else's joke that they didn't like. The date, the time, and who else was there.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI did tell you, this is an obsession you're not going to want to not know about for a second longer. I wonder where the narcissist keeps their notebook in your house. Tempted to find it?
3 The well-rehearsed voices they have
Oh, this is one you will never have guessed. You know how a narcissist answers the phone in their poshest, most professional of voices? It's a completely different sound altogether to what you hear when they walk home through the door from work.
You won't ever get a narcissist to admit this is the case, but they do change their tone depending on who is around.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "On the phone he's a TED talk. With me he grunts." Same man, two completely different humans. Sound familiar?
And I get we all have to have some kind of change depending on who it is we're speaking with, but this is painted and glossed to perfection.
Even more sadly, it will always be you who gets the voice of the narcissist who doesn't care, or who is rudest of them all. The voices are rehearsed, and the narcissist picks each day who gets each version of their contrasting tones.
4 While you're sleeping, they're auditing your phone
I will hazard a guess that a narcissist is picking up your phone and either attempting to, or actually going through your phone with a fine tooth comb several times per week, if not every single night while you're sleeping.
I had a client say her ex once asked, casually over breakfast, who 'Sarah from Tuesday' was. She hadn't told him about Sarah. That's how she knew.
They will flick on your home screen and see what the latest photo is, before going through your apps, checking for ones they don't approve of, and looking through various messages, from your socials to your texts.
Putting it down where you left it means you never get to know this is happening, but this is a narcissist's crazy way of controlling you and knowing what's going on in your life, and whether or not you're keeping any secrets.
5 The photography session
I'm laughing as I write this because of how accurate it is, but I am not talking about the odd selfie. This is a full on photo session, with outfits, lighting and poses.
One client showed me her ex's phone once. Hundreds of nearly identical shots, same angle, same half smile. She said, "He spent longer on this than on our anniversary."
Photos are taken and deleted immediately if they don't seem right to the narcissist, and even props can be used, such as mirrors or accessories.
The smiling face, the brooding look, the pout, the wistful glance into the distance as they snap away is typical of the narcissist, who wants to get every mood snapped and kept in case they want to publish it, or even just stare at it and judge it in some way.
It's a regular thing, and if you happen to be able to scroll their gallery, you'll see them all.
6 The whispering they do in the shower
As you press your ear against the bathroom door, you can hear them murmuring as the shower water continues to drain. What on earth is going on? I will tell you there's no phone call, there's no voice note being left; this is the narcissist talking to themselves wholly.
One client told me she once caught her husband rehearsing, "You always do this, you always twist things," over and over in the shower. The next morning? He used that exact line on her.
It might be a speech, or even an argument they're working through on their own, but no matter what it is, it happens, and it's pretty dark considering they do it so regularly. Who knows what they're conjuring up! Only they do.
7 That last check before they go to bed
I gotta check the mirror one last time. One more quick glance at my phone. One more glance out the front window.
A client told me her ex would peek through the blinds three times before bed. Three. Always three. Checking for what, she never knew. Just checking. Sound familiar?
The narcissist's world is about to be shut down for 8 hours, so before they get that rest, they need to check everything (including themselves) is just right.
Narcissists like to know what they're waking up to, so leaving their life behind for some sleep means they know exactly what they're waking up to and where they need to take off from. It's an obsession, and once you see it, you'll never be able to ignore it again.
8 The Drive-By Past the Ex's House
You thought they were over the ex? Think again.
There's a strange little habit narcissists have where they will drive past the ex's house, and not just once. It becomes a route. A detour they take on the way home from work, or a "scenic" loop they invented to justify going down that exact street.
What are they looking for? Who knows. A new car in the driveway. A light on upstairs. Some sign that the ex is doing worse without them, or some sign that they're doing better, because both feed something in the narcissist.
I had a client tell me her ex would drive past at the same time every Friday. Like clockwork. She only noticed because her neighbor mentioned it.
It's not love. Don't ever confuse it for love. It's ownership. They want to feel like they still have a thread connecting them to that person, even if it's just tail lights and a glance at the front window.
Creepy, isn't it? And they will never, ever admit they do it.
9 Practicing That Innocent Face
You know that face. The wide eyed, slightly hurt, slightly confused face they pull when somebody questions them.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsHere's the thing. They practice it. In the mirror, in the car, in the bathroom before they come back to the table. It's not a reaction, it's a rehearsal.
I had a client tell me she once walked in on her ex doing this. Standing in front of the hallway mirror, tilting his head, softening his eyes, mouthing something to himself. She froze. He saw her and laughed it off, said he was checking his teeth.
He wasn't checking his teeth.
That look they give you when you finally confront them? "What? Me? I don't know what you're talking about." That didn't come out of nowhere. They've workshopped it. The little head tilt, the hand on the chest, the slow blink.
And it works, doesn't it? Because innocence is hard to argue with. You start second guessing yourself mid sentence. Which is exactly what the rehearsal was for.
