Having kids means it's a given that you're going to need to set healthy boundaries for that healthy start in their lives. All kids need to implement them, and all parents need to respect them.
I had a client tell me her father once said, "You don't get boundaries, you get rules, and I make them." She was eleven. Eleven! Can you imagine?
That's where narcissists struggle; respect. While they demand it, a narcissist won't like having to give it, especially to their own kids who should just 'do as they're told and remain silent.'
This is just touching the surface of why narcissists hate boundaries from their children, but I want to go much deeper.
1 Boundaries threaten the narcissist's control
While you are busy creating limits that you want to stick to as well as have others respect, a narcissist isn't interested in being reasonable around them.
If you have any kind of experience with these people, you'll know they would walk all over you to get what they want, and still find time to complain about it.
If you want respect, you're never going to get it from a narcissist, and the same applies if you are the child of a narcissist.
With a parent like that, don't expect to be able to retain any boundary you wish for yourself, or ones that you deem important enough to apply when the time is needed. In fact, it's better to understand the reality, and that is this:
Your boundaries serve as nothing but a challenge to your narcissistic parent. A challenge to their authority, for starters.
I had a client whose mother actually said, "Boundaries? Who do you think you are, my therapist?" Like the very word was an insult. That tells you everything, doesn't it?
You've put these invisible lines around you and what you'll tolerate, and you're telling your narcissistic parent that you're in charge of those. It's like saying, "If you don't adhere to these, there will be consequences."
That is a huge shoe on the other foot for your parent, who is used to being the one who calls the shoes. They will hate that you, their child who has always followed the rules, is now creating your own set of rules and limits.
A narcissistic parent can see you as defying them in many ways. You're proving that you can operate outside their control, which for them, spells panic.
We all know a narcissist won't openly panic, and so they will punish you for daring to be yourself and applying any boundary that warns your parent you mean business.
2 Children are a symbol of constant access
Children are inherently a prime target for narcissists to zone in on, because of the unconditional access they offer a narcissist. They are young and impressionable, and will listen and learn from those who are raising them like an almost automatic move in the human cogwheel.
Children's boundaries are walked over the most easy for a narcissist, and it's welcoming for them. They know they can get away with pushing questions, not letting go until they have answers, or at least what they want in other ways.
If you're a kid and you let go of your boundaries, or even don't have any, you're at the constant mercy of the narcissist.
I had a client say to me, "My mom used to barge into my room at midnight to vent about her marriage. I was nine." That's the access I'm talking about. Sound familiar?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYour toxic parent will have given very heavy emotions to you to carry and hold onto. They will have expected you (and maybe they still do) to offer them admiration and attention whenever it was called for. You'll have wanted to please them, at the abandonment of your own needs.
You'll have never learned how to prioritize yourself, which hurts as an adult because life generally gets harder as you grow out of childhood and start receiving responsibilities.
When all that stops, and you become a person in your own right who has boundaries the narcissist gets stuck on the line of, you become hated as much as those boundaries.
3 Boundaries are seen as harmful when in fact, they're protection
If you have ever co-parented with a narcissist, you'll know how difficult it is to try to strike a balance between your approaches, and the narcissist's games. A healthy parent will want to teach their child autonomy.
You want them to know how to take care of themselves, live for their own opinions, own their choices, and discover what their limits in life are. This is perfect. Kids need to realize all of those things, and as they grow up, that will come naturally.
You'll even find they hold space for certain phrases, like:
I don't like it when dad talks to me like that. I don't think I want to be friends with Brandon any more. I'm sick of always being the good guy. I am fed up giving the benefit of the doubt.
I like my privacy and want people to knock on my door before they come into my room. The narcissistic parent will hate these phrases.
I had a mum tell me last month her ex screamed, "You're turning her against me!" because their daughter asked to finish homework before a phone call. That was the crime. Asking.
In fact, I'd go as far to say that they'd blame the healthy parent for teaching their child how to be disrespectful. But what's disrespectful about boundaries? We should all have them, after all, it's what makes us us.
However furious the narcissist may be, they will never go ahead and admit that the reason they're angry is because you're teaching your child how to grow up celebrating boundaries. It will be that you're teaching them how to disrespect authority. It's my house.
I paid for your bedroom door and I don't have to knock on it. You're teaching this child how to alienate themselves. Anything instinctive you're trying to pass on to your child will be seen as them neglecting the needs of their narcissistic parent. That's scary, right?
We all want the best for our kids, yet this is what it's like raising one with a toxic person.
4 When a parent hates boundaries, they will use DARVO; here's why
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. That's exactly what DARVO is, and a narcissist is so good at using it, even on their own kids. The narcissist will flip the dynamic whenever something they don't like gets laid on the table.
I'll create an imaginary conversation between the narcissistic parent (NP), and their child:
Child: Why are you always so mean to me and yelling even when I didn't do anything? NP: What are you talking about?! I don't yell at you! If I do, it's because you aren't listening. Child: But I do listen. You still yell.
And the kid walks away wondering if they really are the problem. That's the whole point. DARVO isn't an accident, it's a tactic, and it works on children every single time.
NP: Then maybe you need to ask yourself why, and who the problem really is? If there wasn't an issue, I wouldn't need to yell! Maybe you need to start behaving better in this house and doing as you're told for once.
It's hard for me to be a parent to a child so unwilling to understand their faults. You see what happens when a child wants to assert their boundary and speak up when they aren't happy?
A narcissist won't reflect and listen, they will reverse the roles and attack their child even more. DARVO is common, and will be used as an attempt to smear the innocent child, while the narcissist walks away without so much as an ounce of blame on their shoulders.
Boundaries are a huge no-no for narcissists. If you are the child of one, you'll have your own story that will boil down to the fact that your attempted strength was shot down by your toxic parent.
5 The Audacity! How Dare You Say No?
Picture it. You, their child, the one they raised, the one who used to do whatever they said without question, suddenly saying, "No, I'm not coming over on Sunday."
The audacity, right?
In their eyes, you don't get to say no. That's not part of the deal. They gave you life (they will remind you of that, don't worry), so the very idea that you'd push back on anything makes their head spin.
I've heard it a hundred times from clients. "She looked at me like I'd slapped her." "He laughed in my face and said, 'Since when do you decide?'"
Since when? Since always. You just weren't allowed to before.
And that's the part that stings them. Not the boundary itself, but the fact that you finally figured out you were allowed to have one. You stopped asking permission to exist on your own terms.
To a narcissistic parent, that feels like rebellion. To you, it's just Tuesday. It's just being a grown adult with a life.
6 Boundaries Expose Them, And They Know It
Here's the thing nobody wants to admit out loud. When your child puts up a boundary, it shines a light directly on the narcissistic parent. And they hate that light, don't they?
Because what does a boundary really say? It says, "I've noticed something isn't right here." It says, "I've been paying attention." It says, "I know I deserve better than this."
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatAnd the narcissist hears every word of that, loud and clear.
Suddenly, their behavior isn't hidden under the usual "I'm your parent, I know best" cover. Your kid has seen through it. They've named it, even if they haven't used the proper words. They've felt it in their gut and acted on it.
That terrifies a narcissist. Because once one person sees the truth, others might too. The sibling. The other parent. A grandparent. A teacher.
So when your child sets a boundary, the narcissist isn't just annoyed. They're exposed. And exposed narcissists? They don't go quietly.
Hold steady when it happens. Your child is doing something brave.
