Before you lose feelings for the narcissist, you will start feeling things going on inside you. There will be feelings that shift you from, "This person is amazing," to, "I don't even know why I'm here."
That's a strong transition to make, but it's only possible with these things, and I want you to know that by the time these start showing up in your life, you'll already be halfway gone.
I see it in their eyes when they sit across from me. That tired, quiet look that says, "I don't even recognise what I'm feeling anymore." That's the start of it.
While you may not have been able to name these things, I can. I think self-discovery is always something worth celebrating, don't you?
1 That familiar flinch fades
It's likely that for years your body has learned to brace during certain moments. The familiar sound of the key turning in the lock, the slamming of a door, the extremely loud and dramatic sigh.
Even the sound of a narcissist laughing can send your body into the kind of state where it is awaiting something terrible. Your shoulders lift up over your neck, your stomach pulls in, and your entire body is held in a lock.
That's life with a narcissist, but interestingly, one day, that can fade.
A client told me recently, "I heard his car pull up and realised I just didn't care anymore." That right there is the body finally exhaling after years of bracing. Quietly powerful, isn't it?
One day, your body doesn't respond that way. You notice it, too, and wonder what's changed. Have you grown accustomed to the narcissist's inconsistencies? No. You've grown out of them. You aren't at peace with who they are, you've just finally started to have enough of it.
2 The stories start to sound false
You've heard hundreds, if not thousands over the years, and boy do they get very extreme. The narcissist is so good at retelling, too, so you hear many of the same on loop, and you have spent all your past nodding and smiling along, tolerating each predictable word.
One evening as you're watching TV peacefully minding your business, a story creeps up again. You watch the narcissist's mouth and something changes.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "Alexander, I caught myself counting the tiles on the ceiling while he told the same fishing story for the fifteenth time." That's the moment.
"What on earth am I sitting here listening to this for?" "Yet again, here he is, spewing off his usual stories that I don't care about."
Ooh, and there it is. You don't care. Those feelings have faded fast, and so has your interest in whatever the narcissist has to say. That's a great sign in itself, but before you lose total interest, you must lose partial interest. This is that.
3 You no longer defend the narcissist to your friends
You have done, probably more times than you care to admit. But now, it's time to step back. How do you know it's time? Because you just feel it. You don't want to be the person who protects their behavior any longer, and so you start to speak truths.
I had a client tell me she caught herself mid sentence one day, saying, "Well, he's been under a lot of pressure..." and just stopped. She heard how tired her own voice sounded.
He isn't so bad, he's just tired, that's all. Yeah, I see what you mean. Your friends note things, and those things are truths you shouldn't be dying on a hill to defend.
Your friends can start to notice that change in you, and although you might not know it yet, you're opening a door for your exit.
This is a shift in dynamics that won't go unnoticed by them, and if you are losing feelings, those people you're closest to will notice maybe even before you do. That's a very telling place to be in.
4 The narcissist's touch acts as information, not affection
On this occasion, that information is not positive or negative, it's just nothing, flat, nada, neutral. The narcissist places their hand on the small of your back at a work party, and you don't flinch, because that too would invoke some kind of feeling.
You don't lean into it happily, because you have lived with them long enough to know that it's not lasting. So you feel nothing.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneA client once told me, "His hand on my back used to make me melt. Now it just feels like a stranger reaching past me for the salt." That's the shift right there.
It may as well be a bug landing on your skin that will eventually fly off. You're unbothered, and that's information you cannot ignore.
Narcissists don't want to be nothing to you, but when those feelings crop up, they have no choice but to admit that they aren't as special as they considered themselves to be. These are moments it's always wise to listen to what's going on rather than ignore it all.
It is possible to lose feelings for a narcissist, and while you may not want to admit it, the love you felt really was based around a story, not reality.
5 You start to imagine the practicalities
Who gets the dog? Which solicitor is good for domestic cases? I wonder who has a spare room for a few weeks until I find a place of my own? What are transport links like further away from the city?
I had a client who knew it was really over when she started Googling rental prices in her lunch break. She said it felt naughty, then it felt necessary, then it felt like air.
The logistics kick in, and they aren't just simple thoughts, they're thoughts you act on and search or gain knowledge of.
That's not because you're bored and waiting for the next season of Sweet Magnolias; it's because you are genuinely feeling like there are options, and decisions will need to be made soon. I'd say that was a situation where you're winning.
Finally, you're cutting off the previous idea that you had to stay with the narcissist forever. In your head, you've already left.
6 Pity replaces love
I know it might surprise you, but it's entirely possible to feel pity on a person who has been abusive to you. That feeling of love can fade, and as it's replaced by feeling sorry for someone, thoughts can crop up like:
Look at him eating his cereal. He has no idea how small he is.
A client said to me last month, "Alexander, I watched him panic about his hair in the mirror and I just felt sorry for him." That's exactly the shift, isn't it?
Gosh, if only he realized he just wasn't that important. You aren't being cruel, you're just allowing that honesty about the situation to rise to the surface, and rightly so. It's a soft sadness that reads as the beginning of the end, and a goodbye in itself.
You're calm and sorry for them, and that's way more healthy than harboring feelings you know will never be reciprocated.
7 Their monologues become boring
Here they go again, moaning about the neighbor next door who 'has it all.' You hear the complaint about their 'overbearing mother' who is actually nice and not overbearing at all. You listened for years, giving them reassurance and validation where needed. Now? Now you're bored.
One client said to me, "Alexander, I could mouth the words along with him." That's when she knew. The same script, the same villains, the same self pity loop.
You've heard it so many times that you're over it, and understand these monologues are just an excuse for them to exude their jealousy of others. You would quite happily never hear any again, and that's a feeling you're now unable to shake. Why? Because you shook your feelings off.
Good for you.
8 You start to push back against their criticism
You look ridiculous. You really enjoy this and call it a hobby? Why do you always cook food that is too spicy?
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, he told me my laugh was annoying and I just shrugged." That shrug? That's the moment. The feelings have left the building.
You don't care, you don't care, you don't care. You don't know how simple you can make it, but you don't care.
The push back against criticism is a big sign that your feelings are no longer there, and it can feel empowering to even feel as though you get a say in how you feel about what criticism flies your way.
The narcissist can say what they want, but for the first time in a long time, you realize that you aren't going to let their words get to you.
9 Their apologies start sounding like noise
You know what an apology is supposed to do, right? Land. Mean something. Make you feel a little better, even if just for a moment.
But somewhere along the way, you stop hearing them. The "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" becomes background hum. Like a fridge buzzing in the corner. You're aware of it, but it doesn't move you.
And why? Because you've heard it all before. Hundreds of times. The same words, the same tone, sometimes even the same hand on your shoulder.
"I'll do better, I promise."
"You know I love you, right?"
"I was just stressed, please."
Nothing changes. Nothing ever changed. So your brain finally catches up and stops bothering to process it.
I had a client tell me, "He was apologising and I realised I was thinking about what to make for dinner." That's it. That's the moment. When their words can't even hold your attention for ten seconds, something inside you has already left the building.
And honestly? Good.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House10 You stop sharing the good stuff with them
There's a moment in your day where something good happens. Maybe you got a promotion, maybe a stranger said something kind, maybe your kid did something hilarious that you want to tell somebody about.
And you know what? You don't tell them.
You used to, didn't you? You used to run home buzzing, ready to share it. But now? You hold it close. You text your friend instead. Or your sister. Or honestly, you just sit with it on your own and smile to yourself.
Because somewhere along the line, you learned that the good stuff doesn't stay good once they touch it. They'll downplay it. They'll one up it. They'll find the one tiny flaw in your win and poke at it until you feel silly for being happy in the first place.
So you stop. Quietly. Without announcing it.
And that's a huge sign, by the way. When you're no longer trusting them with your joy, you're already halfway out the door emotionally. You just haven't said it out loud yet.
