Narcissists and phones? Best friends. Honestly, you'd think the phone was invented specifically for them.
Those keen little fingers love nothing more than dialling you up, saying exactly what they want to say, in exactly the tone they want to say it, and then leaving you sat there with your ear ringing.
And you just take it.
Like you take everything else, right?
A call from a narcissist never begins normally and never ends normally. There's a script, even if you can't see it. There's an opener, a punch, a pivot, and a sign off that leaves you somehow worse off than before they called.
I've got a lot to share with you on this, so let's actually get into it.
"You Will Be Controlled!"
Nobody walks into a relationship saying, "Yes please, take all my agency, do what you want with it." We go in hoping for respect, hoping for compromise, hoping for a bit of honesty. That's the dream, isn't it?
Think for a second about what control actually means to you.
If you're someone who finds decisions hard, a good partner gently nudges you. They say, "What do you fancy? What feels right to you?" They give you space to land on your own answer.
Narcissists don't do that. If they spot indecision in you, they don't support it, they exploit it. You become the puppet, and they're the one tugging the strings.
"Do as I say."
"I make the choices around here."
"You don't even know what you like, let me tell you."
Heard any of that? It's not guidance. Its domination dressed up in concern.
Being At Their Beck and Call
And the main way they keep that control going? The phone.
Phones are wonderful, really. Think about it. Someone 8,000 miles away, and you can just pick up and hear their voice. I love that. We live more connected than any generation before us, and that's genuinely a beautiful thing.
But there's a flip side.
That same little device becomes the leash. Calls at 11am when you're trying to work. Calls at 11pm when you're trying to wind down. Calls during your lunch break. Calls when you're driving. Calls when you've told them, clearly, that you can't talk.
I've sat across from so many clients, and I mean dozens, with narcissistic parents who ring at all hours making impossible demands. One woman told me her mother called her seven times during a job interview. Seven.
And when she finally rang back, the issue was that her mother couldn't find the remote.
Seven calls.
For a remote.
That's the kind of thing you're dealing with.
How Their Power Becomes Your Life Over Time
And when that kind of contact goes on for years, something shifts. You never really get the chance to grow when a narcissist has their hand on your shoulder. In a healthy partnership, the two people are sort of lifting each other up, aren't they? Cheering each other on.
"You should go for that promotion." "I'll watch the kids while you go to your class." That kind of thing.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseNarcissists don't lift. They press down. They withhold the encouragement, the patience, the curiosity, the simple, "How was your day?" And without those tiny daily acts of being seen, you stop thriving.
You start just surviving.
And if you're unlucky enough to spend a long stretch of life with one, their power doesn't just affect your life. It becomes your life. Your decisions, your moods, your weekends, your sleep, your mental energy. All of it bends around them.
You stop dreaming about what you want, because what you want stopped being part of the equation a long time ago.
And here's the part I really want you to hear, because most people miss it.
The phone calls. The seemingly small, ordinary, "just a quick call" phone calls. They are not small. They are the daily mechanism. They are how the control gets reapplied, hour by hour, day by day.
People focus on the big stuff (the screaming match, the discard, the smear) and they forget that the most consistent tool of control is a three minute phone call at 9.42am that leaves you shaky for the rest of the morning.
Phone Calls, Narcissists and The Play of Power
So how does it actually work? What are they doing on these calls? Because once you see the moves, you really can't unsee them.
1. Click. Gone. Mid Sentence
You're mid-sentence. Mid-thought. You're actually being calm about it, too, explaining your side, maybe even apologising for something you didn't do (we've all been there, haven't we?).
And then, click.
Gone.
You pull the phone away from your ear and just stare at it. Did the call drop? Did they lose signal? Nope. They hung up on you. While you were talking.
Your brain immediately starts scrambling. "What did I say? Was it my tone?
Was I being unfair?" My clients tell me this all the time, and I always have to stop them and say, hang on, hang on, let's not skip the part where a grown adult slammed the phone down on you mid-conversation.
You did nothing wrong. You were just talking. The hang up isn't about you, it's about them needing to win, and winning, in their world, looks like cutting you off before you can finish your sentence.
It happens during conflict, sure. But it also happens during perfectly normal chats when they sense you're about to say something they don't want to hear. The result is the same.
You're left high and dry, holding a dead phone, with all this energy still inside you and nowhere for it to go.
And what do you do next? You call back. You text. You call again. By the time you've sent the fifth message, they're sitting somewhere, phone face down, perfectly content. Because that's the whole point. They hang up so you chase.
They hang up so they get the last word without ever having to defend it.
That little click is them saying, "I decide when this conversation ends. Not you."
2. Your Voice? Buried Under Theirs
And if they do let you stay on the line, good luck actually getting a word in. Hands up if you've ever been spoken over by a narcissist on the phone?
Mine shot up before I even finished typing that question.
It's relentless, isn't it? You start a sentence, you're three words in, and they're already barrelling over the top of you with whatever they think matters more. Which, in their mind, is everything.
And why? Because they genuinely believe their voice carries more weight than yours. Their opinion needs the air. Their story needs the room. Yours can wait. Or better yet, yours can disappear entirely.
I had a client tell me, "I tried to finish one sentence about my mum being in hospital, and he cut in to tell me about his car service." That's the level we're talking about.
Try speaking over them back, though? Oh, brace yourself. The wrath that follows is something else.
3. Spotlight On You, Right Now
"I need you to meet me for lunch today. Now. There's something we have to discuss."
No warning. No context. Just a curveball lobbed at your head while you're trying to get through your day.
Or it's, "That potential client invited us to dinner tonight, and I need you on form. Wear the blue dress."
You could be standing in line at the grocery store with a basket full of frozen peas, and the phone rings, and suddenly you're being handed a list of demands like you're their assistant. Sound familiar?
And here's the trap. If you don't pick up, you'll pay for it later. The sulking, the cold shoulder, the "I tried to call you and you couldn't even be bothered."
If you do pick up, you know whatever's coming isn't going to be easy.
They've mastered that little window of uncertainty in you, that part that still wants to keep the peace, that still wants to please. And they squeeze it for everything it's worth, every single call.
4. The All Day Mood Trap
And sometimes the demand isn't even spoken. It's a mood, dropped on you in three seconds flat. Here's the thing about healthy couples.
You go your separate ways for the day, you crack on with work, you grab a coffee, you have a laugh with a colleague, and you check in later. Simple, right?
Not with a narcissist.
One phone call in the morning, and suddenly your whole day is hijacked. They pick up flat. Cold. A clipped, "Yeah, what?" And that's it. You're done for.
Now you're sitting at your desk replaying everything. What did I say last night? Did I forget something? Is it me?
Or you call them, and they're weirdly distant. "I'm fine." Two words. Dropped like a stone.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatThat ambiguity is the whole point. They've handed you a puzzle with no edges and let you twist on it for nine hours.
5. Pick Up Or Pay For It
Pick up the phone. Pick it up now. Pick it up on the second ring, because by the third, there's already a problem brewing.
That's the rule, isn't it? Unspoken, never written down, but you know it. You feel it in your chest when you see their name flash up.
Miss the call, and watch what happens. Suddenly they're blocking you, or going dead silent for two days, or sending that lovely message, "Don't worry about it. Clearly you're busy with more important things."
Narcissists are the most entitled humans walking this earth, I swear. They genuinely believe you should be available the second they decide to dial. Anything less? Rejection. And rejection is their absolute worst fear.
So you drop the meeting. You step out of dinner. You leave your friend mid sentence. All so they don't get the chance to feel ignored.
That is no way to live.
