I know. I know what you're thinking. How can it be possible to miss someone so cruel and heartless after you've left them?
I had a client say to me last month, "Alexander, I miss him and I can't stand myself for it." She'd been out for six months. Six months! That's how sticky this stuff gets.
Trust me, there are many complex issues behind knowing, loving, and spending so much time with a narcissist.You sit with it, yet it makes no sense, and people are known to even hate themselves for feeling this way. Don't.
I want you to know the reasons why you might miss that narcissist after leaving, to help you understand that it's not your fault. Stop hating yourself, and start understanding why.
1 You don't miss the real person
It might not make full sense to you yet, but hear me out. One huge reason why you miss the narcissist is because you miss a certain version of them. That version was entirely fabricated and made for you to believe it was who they are entirely.
Instead, what you're doing is remembering them at the beginning of the relationship, you know, the person who they presented you with when you first met. You recall them being so loving, so kind, so attentive. They complemented you instead of condemning you. They cared rather than criticized.
They loved you rather than loathed you. THAT'S what you miss.
I had a client say to me, 'Alexander, I'm not crying over him, I'm crying over the guy he pretended to be for those first six months.' Exactly. That guy never existed.
When you leave, you also leave that part of your relationship behind, even though it was entirely fabricated just to get you to love them and never leave. It was the bond part of the trauma bond. It felt so real, and I get that.
You can meet these people at any point of your life, but many meet the narcissist at a point where they really want love. They may be feeling low or lonely, and the narcissist is the groove that fits theirs; the missing piece to their puzzle.
It's as real as any other addiction, and it's a hard part to leave behind when you leave the narcissist behind. Imagine knowing that you are walking away from this amazing person who cared so deeply for you!
They behaved that way to hook you in, not because it was genuinely who they were. If you can understand that and tel your brain enough times, it will believe you. This is where time is your friend, not the repetitive act of returning to a toxic relationship.
2 Your brain became taken over
I know I probably sound a little dramatic myself, but this is really what happens when you encounter and fall for a narcissist. The brain goes ahead and completely takes over.
The heartache of leaving other people in your life who weren't narcissists may not have felt like this, and that's because narcissistic heartache isn't like any other.
Your brain has become trained over a long period of time to learn that the unpredictability of a narcissistic relationship is the high you need and cannot live without. It chooses to believe that the rare good moments are what you're now missing out on by leaving.
It wants to scream, "What are you doing? You can't leave this!"
The cruelty was made better by the idea that followed and lured you back, and you miss the feeling that gave you.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseA client of mine described it perfectly. She said, "My brain knows he was awful, but it keeps replaying the one weekend in Rome." That's the trap, isn't it?
It's no different to a gambler chasing a payout. They want that reward they were looking and hoping for. The problem is, it doesn't come. Even if you did stay, what would change? Nothing.
You'd be living in the same hope you lived in before, and your brain will thank you for that familiarity even though it isn't healthy. When the brain is taken over like this, it's very hard for it to see any other way as a good way.
3 When you left, the gaslighting continued
Being in a relationship with a narcissist usually means you spend most of your time experiencing gaslighting. This is talked about a lot, but I still don't think people know the devastating impact years of it can have on a person's life.
To be told that you're too needy, too sensitive, too much, or that your reality was wrong is just a blow to the confidence day after day. Soon enough, it does get to the point where a victim of narcissistic abuse doesn't know or trust themselves at all.
Leaving them doesn't make that programming suddenly stop, so what happens? You question whether leaving was the right thing to even do. You convince yourself at times that you made a huge mistake, and that you should seek to fix what broke when you walked away.
I had a client call me at midnight, sobbing, saying, "Maybe I was too sensitive, maybe it was me." Three years of that voice in her head doesn't switch off overnight, does it?
Seems all well and good to the victim, but this is not an occasion you should have regrets if that's what you're experiencing.
The fact remains that you were abused, and missing the narcissist after they've gone only comes from you questioning yourself incorrectly whether or not leaving was the right thing to even do.
Here's where I step in a little more, because I really want you to know that your feelings of missing them can just be the adjustment period settling, where you've left an incredibly addictive cycle to be on your own.
Nobody is ever fully aware of what that feels like until you have to go through it yourself, but let me assure you, you'll be fine. Not only that, but you did the right thing in leaving.
The reason you feel like you're fighting that truth is because your truth feels different. It's not.
4 You're grieving, but that grief comes from a certain reality
The one thing that's not talked about near enough:
Grieving the living. So much surrounding grief is that it's reserved only for the dead, but this isn't accurate at all. Plenty of people grieve lives they had before the narcissist, friends they miss, places they miss, or even jobs they once had that they don't have any longer.
When a survivor of narcissistic abuse grieves the relationship, you aren't grieving the reality, you're grieving the version you painted. It was the relationship you'd hoped you had, or the one that was promised to you. The loss is real, and you deserve to acknowledge it fully.
Missing the narcissist isn't the proof you need to return to them, though.
I had a client say to me, "I don't miss him, I miss who I thought he was." That sentence right there? That's the whole grief in one breath.
It's proof that you are human, and you were in a relationship that you wanted to work, but instead exploited you. Over time, that attachment will fade, and you will find yourself more and more showing up.
Most people slip up here because they want that to happen overnight, but nothing really occurs that quickly.
Grief has a process, and when you leave the narcissist, you're grieving everything you wanted, as well as all the time lost while you waited and hoped for a change that never amounted to anything.
You can't turn back time, but what you can do is cherish the time you've not given yourself by being free from their toxic trap. The reality is, you were abused.
You were criticized for their amusement, and now you're finding your own way in the world without their dark cloud hanging over you. I firmly believe you can achieve whatever you want out of this, and that missing them will lessen with each passing day.
5 The Good Times Hit Different in Hindsight
Funny thing about memory, isn't it? It edits. It cuts out the awful and leaves you with that one weekend away where they actually showed up as the person you thought they were.
And you'll cling to that. Of course you will. The beach picture, the inside joke, the morning they brought you coffee without being asked. You replay it like a highlight reel and forget what came two days later.
I hear this all the time. "But Alexander, there were good times." Yes. There were. Nobody is denying that. The love bombing was very real while it lasted, and your brain isn't lying to you when it remembers feeling happy.
Here's the thing though. Those moments weren't the relationship. They were the bait. And in hindsight, with distance, they start to glow in a way they never actually glowed in real life.
Be careful with that glow. It's the very thing that pulls people back in. Sit with the memory if you must, but don't let it rewrite the whole story.
6 You Miss Who You Were With Them (Sort Of)
Hear me out on this one.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsYou don't miss who you were with them, not really. You miss the version of you that was still hopeful. The you that woke up and thought, "Maybe today will be a good day with them." The you that still had energy to try.
That person was exhausted, walking on eggshells, second-guessing every single thing she said. But she still believed. And there's something tender about belief, isn't there? Even misplaced belief.
I've had clients tell me, "I miss the woman who thought she could fix him." And I get it. She was naive, sure, but she was also full of love. She had a soft heart and an open door.
You're not actually missing being with the narcissist. You're grieving the version of you that didn't know yet. The you before all this knowledge sat heavy on your shoulders.
That softness isn't gone, by the way. It's just resting. And when it wakes back up, it'll be wiser this time.
