He didn't mean it, he was…
Angry, drunk, joking. Which one is it today, and how many excuses are you going to make for their terrible behavior? While you might not mean to do that, I have heard the excuses so many times that I lost count years ago.
A client said to me last week, "But Alexander, he only says it when he's had a few." And I had to gently tell her, no, that's exactly when he means it most.
Today, it stops. Today, you learn from me that the narcissist means every word they say when they're in these three states. They're just using those states as a cover. It's time to believe them, and learn the truth behind the messages.
1 Anger is always the most honest emotion here
You've got to listen to anybody who is angry, and I don't mean adhere to what they're demanding of you or accusing you of. I don't mean absorb the tension behind the words, I mean listen to what the narcissist is saying when they are yelling.
Right there in that moment, you're getting the most honest version of them. When they're calm, they're good at editing what they want to say. They're great at performing this version of themselves that everyone believes in. There is no room for editing when you're angry.
Words fall out without the filter, without the pause for consideration. Anger throws out all the words they've been holding in for potentially weeks.
I had a client whose ex screamed, "I only married you because no one else would have me!" mid argument. She tried to forget it. Two years later, she still hears it. Right?
You're just like your mother, and I've always despised her! I can't stand you! There! How about that?! These aren't moments where they regret what they say (although they may try to paint it that way).
This was a thought and feeling that came out during a time they were unable to hold back. The fight that got them angry became their permission to let it all out and yes, hurt you in the process.
That doesn't mean their anger wasn't rooted in a brutal honesty of what they really think of you.
2 To be drunk is never an excuse
It's actually a window into the very person who is drinking, because let's be clear here; alcohol doesn't invent any feelings at all. All it does is loosen the strings around what's going on inside of a person, and lets it all out. This is my house.
You don't contribute a dime to the mortgage. You're the most needy person I've met in my entire life.
I had a client whose ex would slur, "I never wanted this life with you," then wake up swearing he didn't remember a thing. He remembered. He always did.
I can't stand being around you, did you know that?
You get the hurtful comments zooming toward you at a high speed, but behind those comments lies a person who has been dying to say what they want to say, and when their inhibitions are down, they use that opportunity to do so.
The thoughts are already there, the alcohol just unlocked the door to let it all out. So when someone tells you that they didn't mean what they said when they were drunk, don't believe them.
What they really want to say is, "I didn't mean for the truth to come out while I was drunk."
Because that's what all the narcissist says is…the truth.
3 To joke is to be sneaky
Now for the joke, I mean… What is a joke? It's supposed to be something funny said that people laugh at, and I get we don't all have the same sense of humor, but on the whole, jokes are jokes, and funny things are funny.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneThe problem starts when a narcissist tries to tell you that the very insulting or hurtful thing they said to you was supposed to be 'funny.'
Lighten up, it was just a joke. Why are you so serious all the time? Oh come on, learn to take a joke. I was kidding! God!
I had a client whose ex used to call her 'the little potato' in front of his friends. They'd snort, she'd smile. At home she cried. That was the whole point.
Yet the bubbling bottom line remains; everything they say was a joke always ends up being a phrase or gesture that was directly aimed at you. Are you supposed to laugh along at their insults? No. And when you don't, you become the problem in their eyes.
You become the reason they roll their eyes and deem you to be too sensitive. A narcissist can joke about you in public or in private, and their reaction will be the same.
They want to make out as if they were just teasing you, and other people can find it extremely uncomfortable, others laugh along politely because they assume you've got this weird humor bond going on between you.
Believe the narcissist when they try to embarrass you and make you a joke, no matter the venue and audience.
4 What the narcissist says in these three states are to be believed
These are three states of being that should never be taken lightly. The angry sentence, the drunk sentence, or the joking sentence aren't just noise, they're snippets of information being handed over to you.
What I want you to do is notice patterns that lean into what the narcissist tells you in those three separate states.
For example, if you have a spouse who is constantly absent for parent evenings, or who pays no interest to their kids, they will tell you they wish they never had kids while they're in a state of anger or if they're drunk.
Believe them, because the correlation between their words and actions will align, and you'll see it for yourself.
I had a client whose husband joked at every dinner party that he'd marry his assistant if he could do it over. Everybody laughed. She didn't. She knew.
When they dismiss you constantly and refuse to get close to you, then tell you when they're drunk how they wished you were more attractive, that's the truth. That doesn't mean you aren't, it means the narcissist is being particularly cruel to you for a reaction.
I'm asking you to look for confirmation in between these three states of behavior, because those moments are when you will be able to join the dots and not just understand them, but believe them. To be able to notice is to be able to act.
You get to decide what happens next.
5 Emma's story about her honeymoon with a narcissist
I've changed names for privacy reasons, but this is a true story that recently landed in my inbox. Emma was on her honeymoon with her new husband, Steve.
One night on the honeymoon, Steve got very drunk and told Emma that he only married her because his ex said no to his proposal. Emma said she initially laughed when he said it, not knowing if he was joking or not.
She said, "Although I laughed, a huge part of me was waiting to just burst into tears."
Their marriage lasted eleven years, and in that time, Emma tried so hard to be the right woman for Steve.
Emma told me later, "He looked me dead in the eye and said it like he was telling me the weather." Drunk words, sober truth. He meant every syllable.
She cooked, hosted parties, lost weight, gained weight, had kids with him; she even learned how to play tennis as Steve loved it. Nothing was enough. The truth came out just days after they married, yet she didn't want to believe it. She thought she found the perfect man.
The truth is, Emma was already enough. Steve was just a narcissist who took advantage of her for years of her life.
6 There is a silent rule…
…Believe the narcissist.
I had a client whose ex slurred, "I never actually loved you, you know," at a party. She laughed it off for months. Two years later, she said those were the truest words he ever spoke.
Whether angry, drunk or joking, the narcissist will always let you know what's on their mind, and they will land their truth bomb down like it's a grenade. Believe it when it explodes.
7 The morning after the 'I didn't mean it'
You wake up, and there it is. The apology. Maybe flowers. Maybe breakfast. Maybe just that soft voice saying, "I was so out of line last night, I don't even know where that came from."
But you do, don't you?
That's the bit they don't want you to sit with. They want you to accept the apology and move on, because the longer you sit with what they said, the more real it becomes.
And here's the thing I want you to notice. The morning after isn't them being sorry. It's them being sorry you saw it. Big difference.
I had a client once tell me her husband sobbed at the kitchen table apologizing for what he called her a name the night before. By dinner that evening, he was cold again. Distant. Like the apology had its own little time slot, and now we were back to business.
That's the pattern. The remorse is performance. The cruelty was the truth. Don't let the croissant convince you otherwise.
8 What you do with the information now
So you've seen it. You've heard it. The anger, the slurred truth, the "joke" that wasn't a joke. What now?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou don't have to march in and announce, "I've figured you out!" That just hands them ammunition. They'll deny, twist, gaslight, and you'll be the one apologizing by the end of the conversation. Sound familiar?
Instead, just believe it. Quietly. Inside your own head. Let it count.
Start adjusting. Stop sharing the stuff that gets used against you later. Stop softening your reactions because they "didn't mean it." File it away as data. Real, useful data about who you're actually dealing with.
And then start making moves. Small ones at first. Maybe it's a phone call to a friend you've been distanced from. Maybe it's saving a little money aside. Maybe it's just the simple act of no longer arguing with yourself about what you saw.
You saw it. You heard it. That's enough.
The rest is just you trusting yourself again, which, honestly, is the part that takes the longest.
