Home should be one of the places a narcissist puts the effort in. It's where they live, and with their own space and should-be important people in it, that safe ground should be a sanctuary. But wait, we're talking about narcissists, here.
I've lost count of how many clients have said to me, "But it's their home too, why would they treat it like this?" And every time, my answer is the same. Because they can.
They are the more self-destructive people known to man, and there are ways they apply that to their own home and family. You'd think they'd learn by now to be respectful, but no. Instead, they make their home a hell to live in. Here's why.
1 Believe it or not… They do it to themselves
At home is where you will find the narcissist being their very own worst enemy. They have absolutely no idea this is the case, and will think they're just out there running this really tight ship.
Everyone is in line, following orders, and there is a level of order that falls directly under their instruction.
I had a client describe her house as a stage set. Everything looked calm from the outside, but inside? She was walking on eggshells while he barked orders about the dishwasher. Sound familiar?
The narcissist is unaware that they're actually pushing people away. All those who are trying to be there for them, and to try and love them unconditionally are treated the worst because it's behind those closed doors nobody else can see.
If you assume everything to be fine, trust me, it's far from fine.
2 Home feels like judge and jury
First up, we have every person who lives in the home to be treated like part of a jury. The house acts like a makeshift court, where everyone is up for trial for non crimes the narcissist sees as unforgivable. Dinner is always cooked the wrong way.
The house is always too loud, or too hot, or too cold.
I had a client once tell me she'd hide in her car after work just to get ten minutes of peace before walking through her own front door. Can you imagine?
People are irresponsible or rude. The narcissist likes things being done a certain way, and nobody seems to understand what that consists of.
Living like that every day can make people feel like they literally cannot put a foot out of place, but that place changes daily, so nobody really does anything right any of the time. People end up wanting to escape from there instead of living there.
3 Sorry really is the hardest word
Sorry won't be muttered, especially if something breaks, or someone's feelings in the house get hurt. The narcissist doesn't want to hear any of it, they just want to live their life and refuse to take any accountability.
This is the sort of situation where resentment can strongly build in a matter of no time at all.
I had a client tell me her husband smashed a mug, looked right at her, and said, "Well if you hadn't left it there." That was the apology. That was it.
It's quiet, but it exists where conversations and connections are missing. An unsaid sorry acts like a brick in the wall of someone whose guard is up and will not come down. It shouldn't be like that in someone's home at all.
It's typical of a narcissist to create these issues though, but don't expect them to ever admit to such.
4 Kids become referees
I wonder how many of you were that kid once upon a time? I know people who were, and it's an incredibly tough time for them. One parent complains to the kids about the other, and they use their children as messengers.
It's not fair, but yet there's the child, feeling responsible for fixing issues that they have no business being a part of.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client whose mom would say, 'Go tell your father he's a selfish jerk.' She was nine. Nine! Imagine carrying that message across the hallway.
Kids carry this, and they may not put it down for years to come. One day, those kids leave and don't come back, and the narcissistic parent wonders why. This is why. It didn't need to be this way, but the narcissist long ago hit self-destruct and made it so.
5 Anyone who disagrees is punished
As you all sit around the dinner table waiting to have that family meal at the end of the day, you'd better all take to your seats with the same opinions, beliefs and values as the narcissist. If you don't, there will be trouble.
If you have the same opinions, you'll be treated well. People tend to do this even if they don't because it marks an easier life in their eyes.
I had a client tell me her husband didn't speak to her for eleven days because she liked a movie he hated. Eleven days! Over a movie. Can you imagine?
Those who are brave enough to have their own thoughts are going to be punished. The cold shoulder is usually the first sign, but it can also include the narcissist exiting dramatically from the room because they simply cannot believe your audacity.
Home for many becomes a place where everyone agrees with the narcissist just for peace. Floorboards are made of eggshells wherever a narcissist resides.
6 Credit is taken for anything and everything
You can only go on that school trip because of me and my job. This house wouldn't function a minute without me. Christmas is only magical because I fund it. Oh, spare me.
Nothing chips away at a family connection quite like someone so toxic that they cannot let anyone just be.
I had a client whose dad used to say, "You wouldn't even have shoes without me." She was six. Six! Who says that to a small child?
Parents have a responsibility to take care of their kids when they have them, yet kids somehow end up feeling so indebted to their parent for even feeding or clothing them. You know what that does to a person? It makes them feel they're unable to do anything for themselves.
It takes away all their achievements and says, "I'm not really that clever. I owe it all to my parent really."
It's impossible to then believe that you can achieve anything without them, and of course, that's a form of dependency the narcissistic parent thrives on. You don't need to be grateful for someone piping up that they made you.
7 Chaos whips up and the narcissist retreats
I hate this one, and it's all too familiar for many of you, too. A narcissist will do anything in their own home to whip up drama.
They will whisper something to your sibling about you like, "I wish you were more like your sister." Maybe even, "If you weren't such hard work, you might be doing as well as your brother, too."
Triangulation, and it works every time. People fall out, argue, and disconnect from what could be a fantastic bond.
I had a client whose mom would light the match, then sit back sipping tea while the siblings screamed at each other. Then she'd say, "Why can't you girls just get along?" Sound familiar?
Equally, a narcissistic parent can cause an argument then accuse you of being dramatic the moment you react. It's all your fault, and any tension stirred up is down to you and your inability to conform and behave. They then enter; the peacemaker.
Fixing a problem they covertly created means they get to play both villain and hero, sabotaging relations while taking zero blame for it. Houses like this are emotional messes, and nobody truly knows which way is up, and which way is down.
8 Love is a paycheck to the narcissist
Love does not come for free. If you want your narcissistic parent to love you, you have to do something for them in return. You have to behave. You have to agree; comply.
One client told me her dad literally said, "I'll love you more when you drop ten pounds." She was fourteen. Fourteen! Who says that to their own kid?
You have to do well, but not too well. Affection will be handed out when they feel like it, and not when you ask for it. You'll wonder on those colder days what you did wrong, and will spend it trying to find ways to fall back into favor.
In the end, the narcissist ends up surrounded by people who are emotionally checked out, and they won't know why. They should find a mirror.
9 The silent treatment as a weapon at the dinner table
Picture this. Everyone's sat down, food's on the table, the kids are chatting about their day, and there they are. The narcissist. Arms folded, staring at their plate like it personally offended them.
Nobody said anything wrong. Nobody did anything wrong. But the temperature in the room drops about ten degrees, and suddenly your kid stops mid-sentence and looks at you, like, "What did I do?"
Nothing. You did nothing. That's the point.
The silent treatment at dinner is one of the cruelest things a narcissist can pull, because it takes something that should be the safest part of the day and turns it into a minefield. Everyone starts eating quietly, chewing carefully, trying not to be the one who "sets them off."
And the worst part? They love it. They love that their silence has more power than anybody else's words. They love that you're all bending yourselves into shapes to figure out what mood they're in.
A meal shouldn't feel like an interrogation, should it?
10 Holidays? They'll ruin those too
Ah, the holidays. That special time of year where families come together, laugh, eat too much, and make memories.
Not in the narcissist's house.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsIn their house, Christmas morning starts with a mood. Thanksgiving dinner ends with somebody in tears. Birthdays get hijacked because, oh look, they've suddenly got a headache, or work stress, or a problem with the way you set the table.
Does that sound familiar?
I've had clients tell me they genuinely dread December. One woman said to me, "Alexander, I spend the entire year saving for a holiday I know he's going to spoil." And she was right. He always did.
Why do they do this? Because holidays aren't about them. The attention shifts. The kids are excited about presents, not about daddy. The extended family is chatting and laughing, not hanging on their every word.
So they blow it up. A comment here, a sulk there, a full blown row by dessert.
And the memory your kids keep? Not the turkey. The tension.
