Do you think a narcissist likes to chill and watch their favorite TV show when they get a little free time? Do you think they're content at home, just watching nature go by in their garden?
A client said to me last week, "I used to think he was just bored." Bored? No. Narcissists don't get bored. They scheme. There's a big difference.
I hate to break it to you, but when a narcissist has a little free time, much more sinister and worrying things occur.
In fact, if I reveal these 10 things they commonly do in their free time, I bet you'll be shocked at what it says about their true character. Let's peel that mask off, shall we?
1 Spending hours scrolling social media
Oh, I see they've been on vacation again. New car? Must have got a big loan for that. Look at the size of that engagement ring.
I had a client tell me her ex would scroll for three hours straight, muttering under his breath. She said, "He wasn't enjoying it. He was studying it." Doesn't that say everything?
Somebody wants to show off. Sure, your house is nice, but mine is bigger. I'm just giving you the smallest of insights into the narcissist's mind, here, and trust me, it can get very dark very quickly.
The amount of hours a narcissist spends scrolling through social media is unhealthy, but they do it because they want to research and compare everyone they know, with each other and themselves. Their free time is a great block of time to do that effectively.
2 Checking in with their exes
Hmmm, do I block you or not? Do I follow you or friend request you today? What's a narcissist even doing looking for their ex, especially if they claim to be happy with you?
A client told me her ex liked three of her photos at 2am, six years after they split. Six years! He had a wife. Imagine being that wife, right?
Even if it's years after they've broken up, they will still try to push their way back into the lives of those who they knew before you. It's all information gathering; who are they now, who are they with, what are they doing, what do they look like…
…It's all things they have to know. Each time they find out, that information scratches an itch, and fuels them a little bit in some way.
3 Getting that long text written down
The texts narcissists type out are written once, edited once, twice, even three times. It's re-re-read, and not because they care, but because they have specific points they want to get across, and they want to look good doing it.
I had a client show me a draft her ex spent four hours on. Four hours! Rewriting one paragraph to sound like the wounded hero. She didn't reply. He sent another.
If I write this well, people will assume I still have that authority over them. A narcissist will never admit to such a thought, but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist in their minds.
Most of these messages never even fire out, but composing them burns away hours that they feel they're controlling something (you in this instance) and gives them a weird project to feel marginally useful doing.
4 Rehearsing old arguments for the different outcome
Inside the mind of the narcissist, you'll find so much toxicity going on. What they tend to do is pull out old arguments they've previously had with somebody, and rewrite it to give a different (more favorable to them) outcome. More shocking is the idea that they think at all…
It's common for narcissists to hold grudges against people who they've had conflict with in the past, but instead of letting it go and moving on, the free times they fall into usually gives them room to air the argument time and time again, allowing different endings to surface, even just for the sake of their imagination.
One client told me her ex would mutter under his breath in the kitchen, replaying a fight from years ago. She'd hear, "And you should've thanked me." Years later. Still going.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI know. You don't have to tell me. These people really are crazy.
5 Watching themselves on camera
A narcissist loves to look back at themselves on camera. Photos, videos, whatever it may be. As long as they can see themselves, and ideally hear themselves, then all is good. What you have to remember about these people is that they are their own biggest fans.
I had a client show me her ex's phone once. Three thousand selfies. Three thousand! And he'd narrate them back to her, "Look how good my jawline looks there." Who does that?
Nobody cheers for a narcissist more than that very narcissist, and yes, it is very embarrassing to witness, yet they don't even see the problem.
In their free time, they want to look back at that outfit they wore to that summer wedding last year, or the video where they made everybody laugh on the dance floor. It's highly strange, but this is exactly what you'll find them doing in their spare time.
An unsupervised narcissist is capable of anything.
6 Preparing that next post carefully
The next post they make on social media is everything to them, which means they have the job of making it look just right. If it doesn't, they run the risk of ruining their entire image, and that simply cannot happen.
I had a client show me her ex's camera roll once. Forty seven near identical selfies for one post. Forty seven! And the caption? "Just woke up like this." Sure you did.
Free time on occasions like this end up being like a studio session, where content is everything. The narcissist won't see it as fun, they will see it as a job they willingly signed up to do because it all adds to the illusion, doesn't it?
Posts are never spontaneous, and in their free time, they will make sure they all appear that way.
7 Imagining and fantasizing about revenge
This is where you have to really step into the narcissist's shoes to even begin to imagine the kind of revenge they are fantasizing about. Think elaborate. Think deep detail. Think about all the scenarios running through their minds, trying to get everything just right.
I had a client tell me her ex spent an entire Sunday rehearsing one sentence to humiliate her at a birthday party. He never said it. But he'd practised it. Creepy, right?
That gathering you've planned is a few weeks away now, and they want to get that comment that will bring certain people's moods down just right. This is the time. When they've got a free moment, this is where they will make the most of it.
Cut to that gathering, and nothing is likely to be said, but those hours imagining it is enough to make the narcissist feel satisfied with themselves.
8 Getting a good idea of who their next target is
Sizing them up? Sure! They've got to do it, after all, who knows when the new supply will be needed, right? A narcissist is always window shopping for their next supply. Will you be the right fit? How reactive are you?
I had a client tell me her ex spent hours scrolling through people's profiles, muttering things like, "She looks easy enough." Imagine being reduced to a checklist on someone's screen.
Do you seem like a people pleaser? Do you easily believe stories? Have you got a friendly, forgiving face? The internet will be scoured, and I hate to say it, but even dating apps aren't going to escape this one.
Even if love isn't on their minds (they don't even know the meaning of the word), supply is. Whoever looks like they could take a lot of shit from the narcissist is up there and ready to be used.
9 Further and purposefully isolating
If you know the narcissist, and you see through them in any way, then don't assume their free time will want to be spent seeing, or texting you. Ignoring you is how they get to bury your knowledge and find other people they can turn to and speak to instead.
I had a client whose ex went radio silent for three weeks the moment she said, "I know what you're doing." Three weeks! Then he popped up like nothing happened. Sound familiar?
If you know, you're disturbing their performance. You need to leave them alone so they can spend their free time finding people they can manipulate, and not you.
10 (Painfully) doing nothing
Long afternoons can be spent running through points 1 through 9, yet none of them seem to scratch the itch the narcissist has. Everything gets that little more boring, and it's all been done so much before.
A client of mine described it perfectly. She said, "When he had nothing to do, he was the most dangerous. That's when he'd pick a fight just to feel something." Chilling, isn't it?
And so the narcissist sits, twiddling their thumbs. They are in the silence and emptiness they are always trying to run from, and it is everything but peaceful to them. My heart bleeds…
11 Snooping through your stuff (yes, really)
Yeah, you read that right. Snooping.
When the narcissist has time to kill, guess where they head? Your phone. Your drawers. That little box of letters you keep at the back of the wardrobe. Your emails. Your bank statements you thought were tucked safely away.
And they don't feel even slightly weird about it. To them, it's research. It's intel. It's "knowing what's going on," because apparently being your partner gives them clearance to riffle through your entire life.
What are they looking for? Anything. Something to use later, something to question you about, something to confront you with when they need the upper hand. A name. A message. A receipt. Doesn't matter.
And the worst part? When you catch them, they flip it. "Well, if you had nothing to hide, you wouldn't care." Have you heard that one before? I bet you have.
Free time for a narcissist isn't rest. It's reconnaissance. And you, sadly, are the target.
12 Comparing themselves to literally everyone
Their free time isn't really free, is it? It's spent measuring. Measuring themselves against the neighbor, the colleague, the cousin, the random person on Instagram with the better kitchen.
I had a client tell me once that her ex would scroll through LinkedIn for hours, muttering things like, "How did he get that job? He's an idiot." Hours! Just sat there, stewing.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatAnd it's never harmless observation. It's, "Well, she's only thin because she doesn't have kids." Or, "Sure, they bought a new car, but I bet they're drowning in debt."
Everybody else has to be brought down a peg so they can feel level again.
Why do they do it? Because deep down they don't actually believe they measure up. So they spend their downtime trying to convince themselves they do, one petty comparison at a time.
It's exhausting, honestly. Imagine never being able to just enjoy a quiet afternoon without sizing up every single person you've ever met. Sounds miserable, doesn't it?
That's because it is.
