One day, you'll see a side of the narcissist you never expected to see. It'll be as if you are meeting a stranger, and for the first time, you'll see just how many personalities they carry with them each day.
A client said to me last week, "Alexander, it was like watching the lights go out behind their eyes." That stuck with me, because that's exactly what it looks like.
When they know the game's up and they're done for, a narcissist will exhibit these proofs right under your nose. When you see them, it'll be all the confirmation you need.
Through the words of the people who have lived through it, I want to show you exactly what I mean.
1 The soft voice
This is a person who, for as many years as you've known them, has used their loudest voice to communicate with you.
You've heard the yelling, and been subjected to the higher volume level of accusations since you met, even for just buying the wrong kind of pizza at the grocery store. How dumb do you have to be to not remember what I like?
What is so difficult about getting an actual nice pizza? That goes right out of the window. You're suddenly called sweetheart or darling, in a tone you don't think you can ever recall.
I had a client tell me her narcissist husband called her 'my love' for the first time in twelve years, right after she mentioned a lawyer. Twelve years. Suddenly she was 'my love.' Sound familiar?
You stand there, flabbergasted that you're witnessing such a nice version of the narcissist, and for a split second, you think, "This is so refreshing. Maybe there's hope after all."
Don't buy it, and I really mean that. As you come to the realization that your relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be, the narcissist will do anything to reverse that feeling.
That includes making sure you fall for any trick they throw at you, and the root reason for this is panic and fear. They don't want their game to be over. They want to keep hold of that control for as long as they can.
There is no love returning in their softness, this is just another trick the narcissist wants you to fall for.
2 You hear everything second hand
It's a sneaky one, but one that a narcissist is capable of executing nonetheless. Whether you find out from your neighbor or best friend, it will come. I am so worried about her. I don't know what to do. We had a fight and I feel so bad.
I had a client whose mother called her in tears saying, "He's beside himself, please just talk to him." She'd never even met him in person. Sound familiar?
I want to make it right. The narcissist is recruiting people, but you don't know that. You only know you're hearing things second hand, and for you, it's no joke.
As that track is being laid down, the narcissist is making sure that when you finally leave, everyone you know already thinks you're to blame, or that it's you who has gone crazy.
This pity campaign for the narcissist nearly always works, and it causes nothing but damage for victims who just want a clean break.
3 Confessions, even though nobody asked
I should have done more for the kids when they were little. I wasn't a great partner back when I was starting out the business. I can understand that now.
You almost feel the need to sit down, you're so shocked that they're reflecting in a way they haven't yet in the time you've known them. Is this the side of the narcissist that's going to stay, or are they just testing the waters?
And out of nowhere too. One client told me her ex sat her down and said, "I know I wasn't there when your mom passed." Five years too late. Convenient timing, isn't it?
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneBelieve the latter. If they know their time is up, they will try anything. Don't get swept up by it. If you do, you'll take their words as an apology and invite them back into your life. They will never leave.
4 The future silences them
The future will always silence a narcissist. The vagueness of them will be the sign they know their time is up. Once upon a time, you'd share the dream places you want to visit together, and even talked about booking something. Now?
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, he used to plan our anniversaries six months out. Now I ask about next weekend and he shrugs." Tell me that isn't telling.
Nothing. The silence is loud; it sends the message that there's no hope for what is to come, and the moment you try to raise the subject, they change it to whatever suits them. Meanwhile, you notice them more and more on their phone, hitting the gym, being secretive.
That's because they're starting to build a life without you in it, to make the transition for them nice and smooth. You might hope there will be something that brings them back to you, once they know their time is up, they're already halfway out the door.
5 Forgetting important events or occasions
The narcissist will forget anything of importance to you, and maybe that's already a familiarity in your own life. Expect it to get worse, because as soon as they realize they owe you nothing, they will remember nothing, too.
It's not ideal, especially if you have kids you share and it's their parent evening coming up.
I had a client whose ex 'forgot' their daughter's birthday party, then posted gym selfies that same afternoon. Not busy. Not sorry. Just done pretending to care. Recognize that?
You'll be going alone. The narcissist will fall out of the fold and not want to support you in anything that's occurring. If they're finished, for them, so what? That's how they'll act, and that's how they'll treat your plans or scheduled important events.
6 A new best friend
I need somebody I can manipulate from the start! I need somebody who will fall for my charm and really like me!
And watch how fast it happens. One week you're out, the next they've got some new person posting selfies with them captioned, "finally found someone who gets me." Gets them? Please.
The narcissist doesn't have real friends, but they have people around them they can count on when they want something, even if that something is attention or gossip. This new best friend will be their new scapegoat, seeing as the game is officially over with you.
If they know they're finished in one world, they will create another to live in where nobody knows their name or reputation.
7 He wanted to move
The narcissist eventually gets to a point where they've exhausted everybody where they live, and will want to move to a fresh town or city, maybe even country, to start over. A place where they can be whoever they want, and pretend they're this or that is perfect for them.
I had a client message me from another state once, panicking because her ex had moved three hours away and was already telling people she was unstable. Three hours! Sound familiar?
It's a clean slate, and it's a chance to deny the fact that their game was up with you and how finished they were. For them, nothing is ever truly over. Their image will just transport to another place and will continue the way it did with you.
8 The sudden illness
You know, the one thing the narcissist knows you will fly back to them for within the speed of light. Being finished means a narcissist is going to be desperate.
They'll do whatever it takes to ensure your attention on them doesn't fade, and if that means faking chest pains or a suspected serious diagnosis, then that's exactly what they're going to do. When you get the call that says, "I don't feel well.
I'm really worried about what this could be. I need you.", you'll want to run toward them and help in any way you can.
I had a client whose ex called from the ER with chest pains the same week she filed for divorce. Tests came back clear. Funny how that works, isn't it?
It's where you feel your most comfortable; putting others first. I ask you, no scrap that, I am demanding that you leave them alone. They're fine. They always were.
This is just another way for them to try to get you to hover around them and hopefully get back to how things were before they knew their time was up. Don't do it.
9 The Apology That Comes Out of Nowhere
Out of the blue, an apology lands. And not a little one, no, this is the full package. "I've had time to think, and I realize I've hurt you. I'm so sorry for everything."
Wait. What?
After years of denying every single thing they ever did, suddenly they're owning it? Suddenly they have insight? Suddenly they've been "reflecting"?
Don't fall for it. Please, don't.
This apology isn't about you. It's about them realizing the door is closing, and they're scrambling to wedge their foot in before it shuts for good. They know the usual tricks have stopped working, so they're reaching for the one thing they've never given you. Accountability.
Or at least, what looks like it.
I've heard so many clients say, "But Alexander, it felt so real this time." And I get it. You've waited years for those words. But ask yourself, where was this apology when you were sobbing on the bathroom floor at 2am?
Exactly. It wasn't needed then because they still had you. Now they don't. That's the only difference.
10 Suddenly, You're The 'Love of Their Life'
Wait, what? Since when?
Last week you were "too much." Last month you were "impossible to love." And now, all of a sudden, you're the love of their life? The one they could never replace? The person they've been searching for since they were a kid?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseCome on.
This is the narcissist throwing every last card on the table because they can feel you slipping. They know the game is up, and the only move left is to go big or go home. So they go big.
Expect lines like, "I've never felt this way about anyone," or "You're the only person who has ever really understood me." Beautiful words, right? Words you waited years to hear.
Only now they sound hollow. Now you can hear the panic underneath them.
And that's the giveaway. Real love doesn't only show up when someone is about to lose you. It shows up on a wet Tuesday when nothing is at stake. If they're declaring it now, it's not love. It's strategy.
You see that, don't you?
