The goal of every narcissist is to break the person they claim to love into tiny little pieces. Their words aren't random little outbursts they have that they can't control; they're heated moments that were calculated and designed to strip you of your confidence.
I hear it all the time from clients, this confused little sentence that goes, "I don't even know who I am anymore." That's the goal. That's exactly what they were aiming for.
They want to erase your reality and replace it with their own version. Your sense of self needs to go, and your self-esteem needs desperately lowering. Here are 7 devastating phrases a narcissist will say to make all of that happen.
1 "This is all your fault, it always is"
The narcissist's official favorite declaration, and you know why? It works every time. There's never a time a narcissist says this, and it fails to give them the response they're looking for. Initially you might think, "What?
Really?" Before long, you're already living with the main theme of your thoughts being, "Everything is always my fault."
It's crazy how quickly your mind starts to believe the things you're told, just because you hear them often enough, and this is no different. Your confidence will take a tumble if you hear that you're always to blame. The fights. The reactions. The silence.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I started apologizing for things that hadn't even happened yet." That's how deep this one goes. You become preemptively guilty. Wild, isn't it?
The drama. The anticipation. The moods. The emotions. The outcomes. That's an awful lot to take on just because someone else has told you so, isn't it? A relationship involves two people who should be equally responsible for making it a success.
It's not just on you to take everything, so why should you be accused of it? Because the narcissist likes to see you shrinking, while they continue to grow and become more powerful, that's why.
2 "You are so crazy. Get some help"
One of the narcissist's favorite things to do: gaslight you. Why are you crazy? Because you happened to react normally to something they abnormally did or said? Are you supposed to believe that you are in the wrong for that?
I had a client say to me, "He told me to get help so many times I actually booked the appointment." She wasn't crazy. She was exhausted. There's a difference.
Trust me, over time you will be led down that path, and you'll truly think there's something wrong with you. It'll knock your confidence and make you think you can't rely on your intuition, so you start tuning out and taking the narcissist's word for everything.
You let them flirt with other people, because in the past when you speak up, you're told you're just jealous and imagining things.
Having an opinion they don't like doesn't make you crazy, it makes you human, and you should stick to your opinions without allowing the narcissist to squash your confidence and belief in your own internal responses.
3 "I don't need you, it's you who needs me!"
Yeah, right. If only that were fully true. The reality is this:
A narcissist will always need their victim. This is due to what you offer them without even fully realizing it. You're their entire source of power and control. You're their supply. It's in your reactions, and your tears. It's in your pain and overthinking.
It's in the way your identity is being eroded day by day.
I had a client whose ex told her, "You'd be lost without me, you can't even pay the gas bill." She's now running her own business. Funny that, isn't it?
Sure, the narcissist will convince you that you're desperate. You can't live without me. You wouldn't last a day. You can't figure out the household bills by yourself. You feel pathetic, but only because you've been told too many times that you're incapable and needy. That doesn't mean you are.
Heaven forbid you just want a little love and respect, right? No wonder people who suffer in this way have such a lack of confidence. They don't feel wanted, and they feel like a huge burden. That's not fair at all.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House4 "You're too good for your friends"
It sounds like a narcissist is protecting you, doesn't it? How thoughtful of them to think about your friendship dynamics, and try to show you where you're going wrong within it. To be told you're too good can make a victim immediately view their situation as unfair.
It's an injection of thought that will grow the more the narcissist plays on it. See? I told you. You're too good. I did warn you. Now you can see for yourself.
I had a client whose narcissist would say, "They're holding you back, you've outgrown them." Six months in, she hadn't seen her sister in weeks. Sound familiar?
You'll eventually start nodding along, because you'll begin to see what the narcissist wants you to see. This has nothing to do with protection, and everything to do with isolation.
They are isolating you from all the people you'd normally turn to for support, and when you're dependent on only the narcissist, you will find your confidence disappears from your life entirely. That's a narcissist's aim, you know.
When they first meet you, it's the one thing they have as a main aim; to destroy your confidence so you stop believing in yourself. You stop growing. You stop learning. You stop doing what makes you happy. Soon, you're a shell of who you used to be.
5 "I didn't say that, it's your imagination again"
Let's all welcome the concept of gaslighting into the room with us! Before it gets comfortable and convinces you that you're wrong, I want to tell you this is exactly what the narcissist chooses to use against you to rot your confidence from the inside out.
A narcissist will deny entire conversations took place.
I had a client who started recording conversations on her phone just to prove to herself she wasn't losing it. That's what this does to you. Sound familiar?
They will also use that opportunity to rewrite everything that did happen so it works out in their favor. You'll question your memory, sanity, and even your thoughts and opinions eventually.
Nobody who lives like that can possibly live with an ounce of confidence, so this is something well worth considering. A danger to anyone's confidence is the belief that you can't remember what you said or did, or what others said or did.
6 "You're lucky I tolerate you"
You're not lucky. Nobody who is with a narcissist should be considered lucky. You're being used, abused by this person who should be at least slightly grateful to have you. Instead, you'll feel like a burden.
I had a client whose husband actually said, "Most men would have left you by now." She thanked him. She thanked him! That's what this line does to you.
You always apologize, yet tolerate with grace the narcissist's moods and behavior. They are destroying you, and in choosing to make you feel lucky, it ruins your confidence in how you perceive people for who they really are.
The only luck is that you haven't totally lost your mind in being with them yet, but there will come a time where you feel like you are. I only hope you'll be long gone from them before that happens.
7 "Here you go again, overreacting"
Is there such a thing as overreacting to abuse, lies, manipulation and control? Can a person be too angry that this happens to them?
When you're treated badly by someone, there's no way on earth you can possibly be seen as intolerant of it, or reacting in a way that is deemed too much. You want to speak up about ill treatment, so you do. You aren't the problem.
The problem isn't the exposer, the problem is what, or rather who, you are exposing.
I had a client say to me once, "Every time I cried, he'd sigh and say, 'Here we go again.'" Like her tears were an inconvenience. Sound familiar?
Speaking like this is a real way of silencing you, and the comments aren't randomly cruel. It's designed to make you question not just one thing, but everything. Maybe I did overreact. Maybe I am too needy. I'm obviously too much.
The narcissist wants you broken, so your confidence is ripped from you and you have nothing. Don't say you weren't warned.
8 "Why Can't You Be More Like..."
Comparison. The narcissist's favourite little dagger.
"Why can't you be more like Sarah? She actually makes an effort." Or, "Look at my brother's wife. She doesn't moan when he goes out with the boys."
Ouch, right?
What they're doing here is positioning you against somebody else, and that somebody else is always conveniently better than you in some specific way that targets exactly where you feel insecure.
It's not random. They've picked their comparison person on purpose.
And here's the thing that gets me. If you actually became more like Sarah, they'd find something wrong with that too. Suddenly you're "trying too hard" or "copying everyone." You can't win, because winning was never on the table.
What this does to your confidence over time is brutal. You start measuring yourself against ghosts. You start watching other women, other partners, wondering, "Am I enough? Should I be more like her?"
No. You shouldn't. You should be exactly who you are, with somebody who actually wants that person.
Not somebody auditioning you for a role you never applied for.
9 "Nobody Else Would Put Up With You"
Oof. This one. This one really gets under the skin, doesn't it?
It's the line they pull out when they can sense you're questioning things. When you're a little quieter than usual, or you've started talking to that one friend again. They feel the ground shifting, and out it comes.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat"Nobody else would put up with you."
And what does that little sentence actually do? It plants a seed. A nasty little seed that whispers, "You're lucky to have them. You're too much. You're hard work."
And so you stay. You soften your edges. You stop asking for things. You start believing that this, whatever this awful version of love is, might be the best you can get.
But listen to me. The very fact that they have to convince you nobody else would want you tells you everything. Because if it were true, they wouldn't need to keep saying it, would they?
Confident people don't have to talk their partner into staying. They just love them.
