When you're kind to a narcissist, it can feel like the world's most exhausting thing. You give and give so much, only for them to continue taking advantage of you.
And believe me, I've sat across from too many people who've poured themselves dry for somebody who barely noticed. Have you been doing the same? It's time to stop.
No matter what you give, they will never treat you the way you deserve. I'm going to be blunt here, and list the things you should never do for a narcissist. These things only set out to drain you further, and should be seen as a complete waste of time.
1 Don't explain yourself multiple times
I know you want to, I know you'll feel as though it'll make this huge difference if you do, and I know there's a part of you that feels as if you should. But don't. The reason is that the narcissist heard you the first time.
They give off that blank face you're clocking because it's their strongest strategy; it isn't confusion.
I had a client repeat herself four times in one conversation, each time softer, each time more apologetic. He just stared. Then he said, "Are you done?" Sound familiar?
This is what will happen if you keep trying to explain yourself:
The narcissist will make you feel guilty. They will laugh at you. They will put you in a certain mood in order to panic you. They will have more ammunition to use against you the more you offer your reasons. Save yourself the hassle and stop playing their game.
2 Don't apologize for the narcissist's mood
What. Are. You. Doing. Honestly, no. Don't make any apologies for the narcissist's moods. This is a classic way victims fall into the trap of not only excusing their behavior, but doing so to other people. You do not run their moods.
I once had a client tell me she used to greet her partner at the door with, "What did I do?" before he'd even taken his coat off. Imagine living like that.
The black cloud hovering over their head wasn't put there by you, it is there because that's where it belongs. Are you okay? Did I do something wrong? No. Don't even ask. Why are you asking?
You're entering the kind of verbal contract that the narcissist will hold you against and immediately speak of a dozen things you did wrong that you didn't even actually do at all. Let their bad mood be theirs, you do not need to own it, carry it, or excuse it.
3 Don't defend them when you're around your family
There may have been a time in your life where you defended the narcissist. Without assuming your situation, it may have been a bruise on your wrist, or the way you flinch when their car pulls up at the end of the day.
Someone notices, and you come out with the usual lines. His work is going through redundancies. He's just stressed. She's really sweet when nobody else is around, trust me.
I had a client once who told her sister, "He's just tired, the new job is brutal." Two years later, when she finally left, her sister said, "I believed you." Ouch.
You're not doing yourself any favors. In fact, you're building a future ally of the narcissist with all the lies and excuses you're telling them. Don't do it. You will need these people at some point, so being honest is the only way they'll know what's really going on.
Defending them will hurt you more, because you're creating this person that doesn't exist. They will exist if you talk them into reality.
4 Don't offer that second chance they didn't even ask for
I see this probably the most out of all the things you should never do for a narcissist. There's no apology or change, there's no accountability or consistency. They don't acknowledge what they did because to do so would be to admit fault somewhere along the way.
One client told me she gave her ex a fresh start every Monday morning because he seemed calmer over breakfast. By Wednesday, the same insults. Same pattern. Same trap, every single week.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneImpossible for every narcissist, and so, without any explanation at all, you forgive and move on. The good mood they wake up in shouldn't be the indication that they deserve a clean slate.
To give them a second chance means they know just how much they can get away with in the future. Don't be the kind of person who offers that to the narcissist, as it will only end up being a continuation of advantages taken against you.
5 Don't cover for them, not ever
Covering for a narcissist is a tricky game to play, and believe me, many victims do it because they just want to smooth over the very obvious cracks that are appearing in their relationship dynamic.
For every time the narcissist crews up, the victim is there to make it better, and apply damage control. It's exhausting for you, but for the narcissist they're happier than ever.
It means they can get away with anything and everything and that's okay because they know you'll pick up those pieces.
I had a client who used to call her husband's boss and lie about why he missed meetings. Three years of that. She said, "I felt like his secretary, not his wife."
It's not your job to do that. The consequences should land at the narcissist's feet, and not yours. They are grown people, and they need to understand that people will think accurately of them if they've given an accurate image. If you're covering up for them, you're hiding the reality.
6 Don't praise when they give the bare minimum
Oh wow, so you loaded the dishwasher. What do you want, a medal? These are things you do every single day without even being asked. You don't parade around the house asking for applause or praise, just because you've run an errand that was boring.
You can pack the confetti away, and stop telling them how wonderful they are for providing the bare minimum to you in your own house.
I had a client whose husband took the trash out one time and brought it up in arguments for the next three months. Three months! Over a bin bag.
And you know what the worst part is? The way they stand there with a grin on their face. "Look what I did!"
So what? When you don't clap and tell them how wonderful they are, the narcissist will act like you're the problem, or ask you what's wrong just because you aren't falling at your feet to kiss theirs. Yes, they're that weird.
7 Don't take their offers for help
Help is something a narcissist will hang over your head for a long time to come. It's not always about you owing them, but it's about giving the narcissist that opportunity to remind you that you can't do anything without them. You need me.
I had a client whose ex offered to fix her laptop, then spent six months saying, "Remember when I saved you?" Every single argument. Sound familiar?
You think to yourself, "God, I really do." That feeling will be highlighted day to day when the narcissist finds any opportunity to remind you that you can't cope without them. Where would you be without me? As you ask them to open the jar you can't.
Not taking their offers for help gives you the chance to learn things for yourself, but also realize that you're more clever and confident, as well as independent than you thought you were.
8 Don't accept cash gifts they're offering you
You want to know why? Because it always backfires! You think the narcissist is doing something nice for you, but they aren't.
They conditionally give you something they know you'll love and be grateful for, but once that's happened and you took it and spent it, then comes the real reason they gave it to you. WHat did you spend all my money on?
I had a client once who accepted $200 from her narcissistic mother for a winter coat. Six months later, she was still hearing about that coat at every family dinner.
After what I gave you, this is how you repay me? Don't talk to me like that, otherwise you can give me that money back. Right there is the proof that the money had terms and conditions attached to it that were invisible to you.
People only make this mistake a few times with the narcissist they know. As soon as they realize what comes next, they reject future offers knowing what will come of it.
9 Don't Shrink Yourself to Make Them Comfortable
You know exactly what I mean by this, don't you? That thing where you start speaking more quietly. Where you stop sharing the win at work because it might set them off. Where you wear the boring outfit because the nice one gets "comments."
Stop it. Seriously.
Every time you make yourself smaller, you're confirming something for them. You're saying, "Yes, you should be the biggest person in this room, and I will take up less space so you can."
And what does it get you? A temporary peace. A few hours where they're not sulking or making digs. That's it. That's the whole prize.
Meanwhile, you're losing pieces of yourself. The laugh that's a bit too loud. The opinion that doesn't match theirs. The dream they rolled their eyes at.
Be loud. Be proud of what you're doing. Wear the dress. Tell the story at dinner. Let them feel however they feel about it.
Their discomfort is not your responsibility to manage. It never was.
10 Don't Keep Their Secrets For Them
You become their vault, don't you? All the little things they've told you over the years that you've quietly locked away. The lies they've told their family. The affair from three years ago. The money stuff they don't want anybody finding out about.
The way they actually spoke to their mother that one time.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseAnd you carry it. All of it. Like it's your job.
But here's the thing. Why are you protecting somebody who wouldn't hesitate to throw you under the bus tomorrow? Why are you the gatekeeper of their reputation when they've spent years trashing yours behind closed doors?
You don't have to go shouting their business from the rooftops. That's not what I'm saying. But you also don't have to lie for them. You don't have to cover.
You don't have to say, "Oh no, they'd never do that," when you know full well they would, and they did.
Keeping their secrets keeps the mask on. And honestly? That mask has been on long enough.
