Good women should be noticed, and treated, as such. Unfortunately, they can run into a narcissist, and when that happens, a secret fear will grow inside the narcissist.
A good woman walking away is the narcissist's quietest nightmare, isn't it? They count on you staying small, staying confused, staying sorry. And then one day, you're just gone.
It's a fear that only occurs once they've knowingly and happily hurt these women, and I wonder if that's relevant for you.
These things that narcissists secretly fear the most won't shock those who've moved on and built a life of their own, and if you're going through it right now, then let them all be the inspiration you need to do so.
1. The Fact That You Will, And Do, Heal Without Them
First up comes one of the biggest secret fears of the narcissist: the fear that not only can you heal without them, you do. It's a strong fear that builds from the realism that you're untouchable now.
When you were with the narcissist, you weren't as stable as you are now. You second-guessed yourself constantly, and that's where the narcissist found their safe space. It's where all narcissists feel safe, actually, and that's from controlling you and loving the pain they cause you.
In fact, I'll go as far to say this; the more pain you felt, the more the narcissist felt in control. And then? Then you leave. The silence is so loud for them they can't handle even basic functioning throughout the day, as much as they pretend to.
I had a client message me six months after going no contact, just to say, 'I feel like myself again.' That right there? That's their nightmare.
You're walking away now, and you're healing away from them…
…You're out of their sight. As much as they want updates on your wellbeing, you don't offer it, and why would you? You're a person who made it through the worst time of your life, and you look back at your relationship together with such clear, concise truth.
You may be quiet, but you are more than fine. That's what the narcissist can't stand. The thought of you healing, moving on, and leaving the toxicity of the past where it belongs. But you know what else? They can't stop it, either.
They can't stop you living your life and making choices for yourself now, and that's an awful lot of control to not have.
2. That Somebody Else Will Love You In All The Right Ways
There are many things a narcissist can tolerate, your sadness being one of them. But you know what they absolutely loathe? Anytime you get a chance to be loved again, and I mean in the right way. It's something they do imagine, even though they'll never admit to it.
They picture you with a partner who is patient and kind, somebody who encourages you to be yourself, and who is honest and present. It feels like their stomach is getting all twisted up; they hate it.
What any new partner of yours will prove to them is that the problem they accused you of having wasn't actually you all along.
It's proof that every time they were needlessly cruel to you, their dishing out of those cruel comments was a choice, and not a reaction to a flaw you really had. You had zero flaws.
I had a client tell me her ex sent a message the day he saw her holding hands with someone new. It said, "I never realized what I had." Convenient timing, isn't it?
I think this is part of the reason why the narcissist always tries to hoover back their ex when they start hearing about them meeting someone new. They may say they miss you, but what's really going on is they are trying hard to gain some control back.
They're panicking that this new person is able to offer you all the things they couldn't, and they don't want you having any of it. They panic. You're over them, and they consider themselves the type of person that nobody else should ever fully be over.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe thing is, you tried, right? You tried every day to have a good relationship with them. You tried to make it work, but whatever you did, it was never right.
As soon as you get a chance to be happy and build a real connection with a person who isn't totally dysregulated and out for themselves, that's when they struggle keeping that fear a secret.
3. That You Will Be Vocal About What Really Happened Between You
Here's your chance, finally, to get your point across. You've spent all this time knowing the narcissist has been spreading lies and rumors. They've created this narrative that is so far from the truth you couldn't even see it, and this is where you realize:
The narcissist has been surviving fully off what they've made public, and those events are all false. They've charmed their way into people's opinions of them with the smooth kind of move that goes unsuspected. I was so kind and patient. I gave my all to them.
They were so difficult, it was a real challenge for me. Oh, the lies. You can smell it all a mile off, and now you aren't together, you start to form your own version of events that will cut the narcissist into a thousand pieces.
I had a client tell me her ex's sister called her out of the blue and said, "I always wondered what really happened." One conversation. That's all it took for the whole story to unravel.
Now every friend, relative, neighbor and coworker will hear the truth whenever you get the chance to speak it. Everytime you stayed silent while those lies were being thrown around, you had a hand in keeping their lies about you alive and breathing.
Now you speak, and it may even initially just be to a therapist, but your version, the truth, is starting to pour.
You're creating these cracks in what you've had to tolerate, and eventually everything will crumble, but it just involves you having patience and waiting for your turn for justice. Trust me, it's a real fear. I can't speak enough about this. You're doing so much. You're:
Damaging their image that they spend years building (not your fault, you're speaking your truth)
Telling them that you're no longer somebody to be messed with
Showing them that you don't fear speaking up
I'll put it mildly: the narcissist hates it all. It's their worst nightmare.
4. That They Will Stop Being Able To Know And Predict You
I know it seems like a strange fear to have but with narcissists, there really is no such thing as normal! I will say, this secret fear runs pretty deep, so never discount it.
When you're in a relationship with the narcissist, they learn every part of you like it's some kind of script. Everything, from your triggers to your fears they remember with precise detail.
That sadly includes what will make you fall apart, and how you will chase them if you ever need to. Their fear comes when you rip up the script.
I had a client message me saying her ex sent twelve paragraphs trying to figure out why she wasn't reacting. She read one line, deleted the rest, and went to bed. Beautiful, isn't it?
You may be the kind of person that used to crumble, but now you are a totally new person, and instead of begging, you just roll your eyes and block. They don't know you now. They can't predict you, or anything you'll say or do.
Once upon a time, the narcissist would have been able to soften you, but now you don't buy it, and nobody can manipulate what they can't read. Months, even years can pass, and the new version of you will be thriving while they fear it.
They try to figure you out, but you don't allow them to get close enough. Good, I say!
5. That You Will Look Back And See Them Clearly
There's a moment they dread, and it has nothing to do with you yelling or crying or making a scene.
It's quieter than that.
It's the moment you're sitting somewhere, maybe months down the line, maybe a year, sipping a coffee, and it all clicks. The pieces line up. You see the pattern. You see them.
Not the version they sold you. The actual them.
And they fear that more than anything, because once you've seen it, you can't un-see it. There's no going back to the rose-tinted version of them you used to defend to your friends.
"But they had a hard childhood…" "But they didn't mean it like that…" All those soft little excuses you used to make? Gone.
I hear this from clients all the time. They say, "Alexander, I genuinely don't know how I didn't see it sooner." And that's the thing the narcissist is terrified of. Not your anger. Your clarity.
Because clarity means they no longer get to write the story of who they were to you.
You do.
6. That Their Apology Won't Work This Time
Oh, the apology. The famous apology.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatYou know the one. It's the same script they've used a hundred times before. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, you know I love you, please just hear me out." Maybe there's a tear. Maybe a gift. Maybe a long, heartfelt message at 1am because they couldn't sleep, supposedly.
And it used to work, didn't it? You'd melt a little. You'd think, okay, maybe this time.
But here's what they're quietly terrified of now. That you've heard it too many times to feel anything when it arrives. That the words just bounce off you. That you read the message, put your phone down, and carry on making your coffee.
Because once a good woman stops flinching at the apology, the whole game is over. They've got nothing left in the bag. No new tricks. Just the same old lines hitting a wall.
And deep down they know it. They can feel the door closing. And honestly? Good.
