He goes to the garage every Saturday, and you know, I don't see him for the whole afternoon! Yeah, I get it.
You're one of many who have to endure this, and let me tell you, what you're missing out on is seeing them perform these pathetic, secret rituals they don't want you to see.
A client once told me, "He'd disappear for hours, then come back acting like he'd just been getting milk." Sound familiar? It should, because they all do this.
Interested in what those might entail or look like? Good job you stopped by then, isn't it? I've got five right here, and I want to walk you through each one.
1 The check in the mirror
Oh my goodness, this one is almost embarrassing to even witness, but I have to go there because it's a secret ritual!
Narcissists really don't want you to see them checking themselves out in the mirror, but what's more interesting about this is the fact that they're doing it in such an insecure fashion. You aren't supposed to see them pose and practise their pout or smile.
With their chin up and shoulders back, the narcissist is busy trying to get the look just right for everyone they're about to see on that particular day.
I had a client once peek through a crack in the bedroom door and watch her husband whisper compliments to himself in the mirror. Full sentences. Eye contact with his own reflection. Creepy, right?
It's a little bit like an actor warming up before they go in front of the camera, and it's enough to make me wince just writing it. The second the narcissist knows you're watching, they flinch and try to act as normally as possible.
They scratch their nose and let out a little cough like they aren't doing anything wrong at all. It is a ritual, and catching them once doesn't mean it was a one time occasion. This is daily.
Mirrors for the narcissists are the biggest form of validation when nobody else is around, and if they like what they see, they will truly be set for the day or evening ahead.
2 The last little phone check
Every single night before bed, the narcissist has to check their phone one last time. I don't mean this is like a silly habitual thing that most of us might do at some point or another.
This is much more of a disturbing ritual that really doesn't make the narcissist look good. They pick it up, unlock it, check something, then put it back down facing down. Narcissists never really tell you what it is they're checking, and if you ask you get these:
Just checking tomorrow's weather. I was just checking my emails.
I had a client who used to lie awake watching her partner do this exact thing. She said, "He'd smile at the screen, then turn it down like nothing happened." Chilling, right?
Emails? At two minutes to midnight every single night? What's that all about? I'll be honest here; the narcissist is checking something specific. Maybe it is their emails, but the real question is whose email are they checking for?
That's a can of worms I know will be painful when you finally get to open them.
3 That very long drive home
The narcissist works twenty minutes away, and they leave work at five every evening. So why are they still not home past five thirty? Usually because of the following excuses, right? Traffic was terrible, I had to run a quick errand. I needed gas after work.
One client of mine told me her ex would sit in the driveway for twenty minutes before coming in. Just sitting there. Decompressing from being who he really was. Creepy, right?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseMy boss asked me to stay and file some reports. I needed to return a shirt I got last week that didn't fit.
The fact is, those minutes they weren't home are sacred to the narcissist, who really just wants that time to not be your partner, and to be whoever he wants to be.
You'll never know who that really is, because you don't see them in that time, yet the ritual remains. For them, it's their little secret.
4 The trophy drawer
There is a drawer or a box somewhere in your house you share together. I won't lie, it may be something just as simple as an envelope stuffed with things you'll never believe. There are old photos in whatever it is.
A birthday or anniversary card from their ex from 2005. A receipt that came from a hotel you know you've never been to. And here's where it gets a little crazy…
Maybe even hair, or a drawing from a kid you've never met. There's every chance you've had the conversation before with them if you've stumbled across it:
Don't touch my stuff. Leave it alone.
I had a client find a lock of hair in a tin once. Not her kid's, not hers, not anyone she knew. He told her she was being weird for asking. Weird? Really?
Stop looking for trouble where there is none. Don't you dare go through things that don't belong to you. This isn't the voice of someone who wants their privacy respected.
It comes from a person who has something to hide, and up until now they were doing a great job of it. When you find stuff like this, it's naturally unsettling for you.
You're there in their present life, yet they seemingly can't let go of a huge part of their past. And it isn't like a genuine memory collection, it's a specific collection of the oddest things that they are angry with you about for finding.
A narcissist doesn't want you to see these things, but for some of you, that may be too late.
5 The rehearsal of every possible speech
A narcissist wants to portray the perfect image, and being able to be that sharp and unbreakable has to mean that they practise it in some way first, right?
I think people who are naturally confident learn through living the right things to say, and how to speak to a point where you're gaining active listeners without commandeering attention.
Narcissists know they aren't confident under the surface, and that attention you or I might not seek is what the narcissist craves and feels is essential.
I had a client tell me her ex used to mutter in the bathroom mirror before dinner parties. Full sentences, hand gestures, the lot. She thought he was on a call.
They do this by getting every word and phrase right, and knowing in advance all the little sayings or words that might trigger you, gain a reaction, or make people impressed. The rehearsal means they then get to be that perfect person.
People believe every word that pours out of their mouth because they've made it seem so believable. It's weird, but this is a ritual they wouldn't be able to live without.
6 The creepy pre sleep smirk
Have you ever rolled over and caught the narcissist just about to fall asleep, with this little smirk on their face? They might be staring up at the ceiling, in a world of their own, and you've caught them doing the weirdest thing you could think of.
They're certainly pleased with themselves, right? They've got it in their minds. They aren't happy as such, nor pleased with anything in particular. It may be as simple as them reliving a moment that made them feel totally in control.
A client told me she once asked her ex what he was smiling about, and he just whispered, "Nothing, go to sleep." Chilling, isn't it?
Something they won or gained. This smirk acts a little bit like the closing credits to their favorite TV show at the end of their day. The cat that got the cream, and don't they know it?
It's worrying to see a narcissist behave in this manner, especially as you then have to roll over and get some kind of peaceful night's sleep yourself.
It feels impossible when you know the narcissist is running through all these weird moments just to give them that last minute boost before tomorrow comes. They don't want you to see it, but when you do, you certainly can't unsee this level of toxicity right next to you.
7 The little victory dance you'll never witness
You know that thing dogs do when they get a treat? Spin around, wag, the whole performance? Narcissists have their own version, except it happens behind a locked bathroom door, or in the car alone after they've left your house.
I had a client once tell me she walked back in for her keys and caught her ex doing a little fist pump in the kitchen. He'd just finished a forty minute lecture about how she "never listened." He thought she was gone. There he was, celebrating.
Because that's what it is to them. A win. They got the reaction, they got the tears, they got you second guessing yourself again. Mission accomplished.
And it's not always physical. Sometimes it's just that smug little exhale. A quiet "yes" under their breath. Maybe a text to their flying monkey saying, "She lost it again, can you believe her?"
You'll never see this part. That's the whole point. The damage is for you, the celebration is for them, and never the two shall meet.
Gross, isn't it?
8 Their secret stash of grudges
You think they've let things go? Oh no. Not even close.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsNarcissists keep a mental filing cabinet of every perceived slight, every disagreement, every time you didn't laugh at their joke, every birthday card that arrived a day late. It's all in there, neatly catalogued, ready to be pulled out at the most inconvenient moment for you.
And here's the part that gets me. They'll smile to your face for years while quietly adding to that list. You think the argument from 2017 is dead and buried? They're still holding it. They're still adding interest to it.
The ritual itself is private. They sit with these grudges, replay them, polish them, almost lovingly. It's how they justify the cold shoulder you can't explain, or the sudden cutting remark out of nowhere.
"I've never forgotten what you did," they'll say one day, and you'll stand there blinking, trying to remember what on earth they're even referring to.
That's the thing about a grudge collection. Only one person knows what's in it.
