If you asked somebody who has never dealt with a narcissist what it might feel like leaving a relationship with one, they wouldn't know the first thing about what to say or any emotions you might be feeling.
You can then imagine what it must be like to try to explain returning to the narcissist, even after the way they treated you. They hurt, manipulated, and drained you, yet you go back.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I know exactly what he is, and I went back anyway." And honestly? She's not alone in that. Not even close.
The truth lies behind all the emotional patterns that you've experienced, and those can feel impossible to break away from. As a victim, you can both understand the damage being done and still go back. Here's why.
1 Emotional dependency
I want to go in strong here, and bring in not just emotions, but emotional dependency. Going back to a narcissist is all the reason and excuse your emotional dependency needs to feel better; more regulated.
During those beginning stages where you're met with this fascinating, charming person, you feel as though you're being led into that relationship. You aren't. It's false.
The reason it feels real is because narcissists are so good at giving you the impression they mean what they say and how they present. When you experience this love-bombing, you're experiencing an affection you love and have been searching for.
Perhaps it's been the kind you've not been used to, but trust me, it's designed to make you feel valued and special. Over time, all narcissistic relationships become more and more unpredictable.
A client said to me last month, "Alexander, I just want one more good day with him." That right there is emotional dependency talking, not love. Can you hear the difference?
It swings between that affection you've grown to love and need, to emotional cruelty. You're treated like a queen some days, while other days you are treated like the world's biggest inconvenience. How can this be? Because the narcissist never wants to make you feel safe.
They always want you to wonder what the next day will bring, and design how you're going to react to that. For you, you're attached immediately.
It feels amazing when you swing from a bad day to the best one ever, to the point where you'll endure those bad days just to get the good stuff. You hope the loving version will return, and those bad days are when the hope remains strongest.
Who can blame any of you? The narcissist knows what they're doing, and why they're doing it.
2 Low-self esteem? Check!
I don't want to pretend like I know everything about you, but I will assume you've been with a narcissist long enough to have had your self-esteem shredded to pieces.
Having none will make you feel like you aren't worthy of the kind of love that's healthy, or that feels remotely good.
You fear you'll never find someone else throughout all of this, thinking, "I don't deserve to have a happy ending." There's also the belief that true love can't exist, just because you've only experienced abuse. That isn't true at all.
The reason that feels so true is due to the fact that you've been through so much manipulation.
One client said to me, "Alexander, I'd rather be miserable with him than terrified by myself." That's what low self-esteem does. It rewrites what safety even means. Heartbreaking, isn't it?
You've had a person gaslight you through it all, and made you believe that your reality has a constant cloud of uncertainty over it. That's enough to confuse anybody over a long enough period.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYour judgment is valid, yet when it comes to the narcissist, it is still a ball of confusion in itself. The most horrific aspect of this reason is that victims return, even though they know they face more loneliness and uncertainty, all because it feels safer than starting out alone.
I cannot imagine how that feels, but I know from your accounts, it's painful and feels like being trapped. Let me assure you: you are never trapped.
3 Trauma-bonding always comes into play
I know we talk about it, but do we really get to the significance trauma bonding has on an abusive relationship? While you're thinking love is at the center of your connection, you're mistaken; the trauma bond is.
In toxic relationships, you will get moments of pure pain, where you feel like you can never recover from the feeling you get from the bad times. Mixed in with that, you get some of the most passionately intense times, filled with comfort and affection.
Your brain is great at being attached to these ups and downs, as it relies on the good to overcome the bad.
A client said to me recently, "But when it's good, Alexander, it's really good." And I get it. That's the hook. The good moments feel like oxygen after holding your breath.
That attachment forms an addiction over time, where you cannot imagine the relationship on a more level field. In all of that, a victim can realize the relationship is bad for them, yet still hang onto it for dear life.
The emotional system of a person who is at the mercy of a narcissist wants temporary relief from the abuse, and the narcissist knows how to occasionally offer that. That's what I mean though: occasionally.
It's nowhere near enough, and it doesn't, and shouldn't, make up for the fact that you're being abused.
4 Fear, the thing that keeps people trapped
While it may not seem the case, fear does indeed keep many people trapped in all kinds of situations. Being with a narcissist is no different. Narcissists are great at using guilt to keep people from fully leaving, or feeling good about doing so.
Beyond that, it can get even more serious, with threats and intimidation used toward you, or even the control of finances. Why do you think there are the amount of victims out there who're told not to have a job, and to stay home and look after the kids?
I had a woman tell me, "He said he'd burn the house down if I left." She stayed another two years. Fear isn't dramatic, it's quiet and constant.
It's because through it all, the narcissist has full financial control of their spouse. One wrong move, and it can all be snatched away. Other narcissists promise to change.
"I don't want to be that person any more." "I'll do anything I can to keep us together." "I will be the person you want me to be."
These are pure tactics that keep you there, and ensure the narcissist doesn't see the back of you. You know better, but you're lured in, and the narcissist has the most productive ways of doing that.
5 You're not what you think you are…
Weak. Foolish. Gullible. You're none of those things, trust me. You're a strong person who believes the best in people, and you want to use the hope you've been feeling as a good foundation for what may come next in your relationship.
Throughout your time with the narcissist, you were controlled and manipulated, and you spent too long trying to reconnect with the person you knew when you first met them.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I keep going back because I miss who I was with him at the start." That person was never real. Sit with that.
You fell in love hard, and you want that same rush back. You don't think it's possible to meet someone else and feel that with them. In order to leave and never come back, you need time.
You need good friends around you who can tell you the reality of the situation, and not just what you've been programmed to see. If that means you need to take some time to rediscover your self-worth, then go and do that.
Whatever it takes to leave and not return, that's where your energy needs to be. Without that, you're just a human, miserable yo-yo.
6 The Hope That Just Won't Quit
Hope is a stubborn little thing, isn't it? You can know everything you need to know about the narcissist, have every piece of evidence laid out like a courtroom file, and still, somewhere in the back of your mind, you're whispering, "But what if they really do change this time?"
I hear it constantly. "Alexander, I know what they are. I'm not stupid. But what if I left right before they were about to figure it out?"
Oh, that one breaks me a little.
Because hope, the good kind, is what makes you human. It's what got you out of bed during the worst days. But with a narcissist, hope becomes the very thing that keeps you stuck.
You hope they'll wake up. You hope the good moments mean something. You hope all those promises weren't just noise.
And the narcissist? They feed off that hope. They know exactly how to drip-feed you a tiny bit of softness right when you're about to leave for good.
It's not stupidity. It's love trying to hold on.
7 But What Will Everyone Say?
Here's a question I get asked more than you'd think: "Alexander, what will people say if I go back?"
And honestly? That fear of judgement keeps people stuck longer than the narcissist ever could.
You've told your sister. You've told your best friend. You've maybe even told your mum about the awful things they did. Everyone rallied around you. Everyone said, "Good for you, you're finally out."
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsAnd now you're thinking of going back, and the shame is unbearable, isn't it?
So instead of being honest, you start hiding it. You meet them in secret. You don't mention their name. You lie about where you were last Saturday.
And the narcissist? Oh, they love this part. Because now it's you and them against the world, and that's exactly where they want you.
But here's the thing. The people who love you would rather you came back to them ten times humbled than stay away out of pride.
They really would.
