Children will absorb everything, just like a sponge absorbs all the water it can take. I know you are aware of that already, and even down to the way you laugh, your habits and how you hold your cutlery.
I know this part might be a little trickier to deal with:
They also pick up everything from the narcissistic parent, too. Some kids will copy, others will be aware. If you want to watch for signs they're copying, I have 9 to look out for right here.
No drama attached, and they are as quiet as you can possibly imagine, but make no mistake, these are not phases.
They're early copies of behaviour, and if you catch them now, you can gently steer things another way. Leave them, and they harden into something much harder to undo later.
1 No interest in other people's feelings
Once upon a time, your child would've heard the dog yelp in the garden and run to its aid, wanting to know what happened. Seeing someone or an animal in pain will have been enough for them to shed a tear, but now?
Now the child simply looks on and stares, unable to pass a facial expression as a flinch. This lack of reaction is very telling, as it goes against the human nature of response.
The blank look usually then means they return to what they were doing before, ignoring whatever is going on around them. It isn't a disassociation, it's simply being unbothered. With a reaction to other people's feelings, there is at least some softness behind it.
The care and concern that comes out, even from a child. Are you okay? Are you sad? Do you want a cuddle? Do you want to hold my favorite teddy to feel better? Children know, and they convey. Where does that blank look come from?
Well, you've seen it a hundred times before. It comes from your partner. It comes from the narcissist.
And it chills you, doesn't it? Seeing that same cold stare on a small face that used to light up over a ladybug on the windowsill.
2 Blame? They will lie their way out
I didn't do it! (We all know you did). It was him! (We all know it wasn't). She started it! (We all know she didn't). See the pattern? Every child does try to bend the truth, and you've got to give them credit for trying to outsmart an adult.
This isn't that, though. This is normal, and a child who is starting to act like a narcissist is anything but normal. There is this quick speed that comes right into their eyes as they protest their innocence.
They look you right in the eye, with no room to flinch, and they tell you that you're wrong and they're right. The child will spout all the reasons they have, expecting you to back down and apologize.
They want to be right because they've seen your narcissistic spouse do the same and win. Now the child feels like it's their turn. Witnessing someone dodge accountability this way makes them feel so good about themselves.
It seems like the most obvious thing to do, and so they do it. Why should they take the blame if they've seen their narcissistic parent crawl out of it so many times?
I had a mom tell me her seven year old looked her dead in the face and said, "You must be remembering it wrong." Seven years old.
Like for like, right? Watch out for this; it's an obvious red flag.
3 Anyone who's upset is immediately dismissed
It was just a joke, God. You're always moaning at me. Why are you so sensitive today? Read them back and understand them. They read as echoes of the narcissist, don't they? That's because kids understand and pick up everything, and that includes how your toxic spouse is treating you.
Once upon a time, someone else was aiming those comments at you, and somewhere along the line, your child thought it was okay to mirror that. It became the acceptable way to speak to you in your home, and now your child is branching out.
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The EndI had a client whose eight year old told her, "Stop crying, you're embarrassing me," word for word what dad said at dinner every night.
They're speaking like it to their friends, other relatives of yours, and even their own siblings. This is no joke, and what can start off as a comment that stings can build to really quite nasty comments spoken so flippantly.
You should look out for that, because that's when you know you're getting strong signs that narcissistic traits are beginning to show up in the children you were hoping would escape those behaviors.
4 Controlling the room: so it begins
Attention can always shift from the child to something else, and I want you to pay close attention when that happens. They will have a sudden meltdown, or go into a real sulk when someone else is spoken to, or makes a joke that people laugh at.
You'll hear the classic, "That wasn't even funny," or a sudden, "I feel sick, can we go home?" right as someone else takes the spotlight.
Because they're a child, they will find it hard to contain their anger about this, and so it can be fairly easy to spot. If there is a hijacker in the room, you can guarantee your child will not appreciate it.
They want control of the room because it makes them feel good and seen. It boosts their little ego that is no doubt growing by the day. If this sounds like your child, I hate to say it, but you are dealing with a narcissist in the making.
5 Empathy may still be present, but it's very selective
When empathy is selective, it doesn't tend to be real. When it benefits the child, they will care a great deal. If their teammate scores a goal in football, it's great for the team, so the child looks good too; that kind of thing.
When someone around them is having a bad day and there's nothing in it for the child, they can quickly get fed up, refusing to give them any support.
I had a client whose eight year old rolled her eyes when a classmate cried and said, "She's always doing that for attention." Word for word what dad used to say.
They think, "What a drain. What's the point in supporting this person?"
Right there is where you need to stop and think about what that really means. It's worrying at such a young age for a child to display this trait, so you need to keep a look out.
6 Testing the boundaries on what they can get away with
Push, push, and push some more! No; nobody's having a baby… I'm talking about narcissists and the way they push boundaries. It starts young, and if allowed, will continue. Can I just…
Why can't I…
I'm going to…
They watch your face, waiting for the moment they know they crossed your line. Next time, they will go even further, until there's no line left to push.
And you'll hear the sweet little, "But you let me last time," as if last time is now a legal contract. That's the tester in full swing.
That's how all narcissists learn that your boundaries don't matter, and aren't strong enough to be retained. With consequences and non-movable boundaries, that can change. Be on your guard with this one.
7 Watching them try to cause a fallout
All narcissists love to cause a fallout. They cannot wait to see someone get upset, or argue with another, and all because they made a comment, or created a scene that resulted in drama.
As they back away slowly, everything falls to pieces, and it's one of the narcissist's favorite games to play. Children learn this, and they learn it fast.
They poke a sibling, wait for the reaction, then look up at you with wide eyes going, "I didn't do anything, they just started crying." Sound familiar?
You can see from the outside a way that children try to upset other people, very often siblings. There are always tears, and those tears are always present when that certain child is around, displaying narcissistic traits.
There's no coincidence here, and I would say this is certainly one to watch out for. You just never know when the next round of conflict will come about, but it always does, believe me.
8 Mimicking the tone of voice, word for word
You know that specific way the narcissist speaks to you when they're annoyed? The clipped tone, the sigh before the sentence, the little sarcastic lift at the end of a word. You know it because you've heard it a thousand times.
Now imagine hearing it come out of your kid.
"Fine. Whatever you say." Same cadence. Same eye roll. Same pause in the same place.
It's chilling the first time. You catch yourself doing a double take because for a split second, it wasn't your child in the room, it was them.
Kids soak up tone before they even understand the words. They mimic what they hear at home, and if what they hear is condescension dressed up as calm, that's what they'll practise. On you. On siblings. On the dog.
And they don't know they're doing it. That's the part that gets me. They think this is how people talk to each other, because it's what has been modelled for them.
Gently pull them up on it. Every time. "That's not how we speak in this house."
9 Charm switched on for strangers, off for you
You've seen it, haven't you. Out at the shops or with the neighbours, and suddenly your kid is Mr or Miss Wonderful. Big smiles, polite little answers, the whole performance. Everyone tells you how lovely they are.
Then the front door closes. And the mask drops. You get grunts, eye rolls, the "whatever" tone, the door slammed hard enough to rattle the frames.
I've watched a parent stand in their own kitchen and say, "I don't understand, they were just so sweet ten minutes ago." That split between the public face and the private one is pure narcissist blueprint. Charm is a currency they spend on strangers because strangers matter for the image.
You? You're guaranteed. You don't need the performance.
The tricky bit is that other adults will look at you sideways when you try to explain. Because they've only ever seen the polished version. So you end up second guessing what you know is happening in your own home. And that, in itself, is a familiar feeling.
