I know you want them to be different. I see it in every message I get. People write to me saying, "Alexander, but what if they change? What if I'm just being impatient?"
I have to be the bearer of bad news here. They won't change. Narcissists are who they have always been:
Nasty.
Vindictive.
Filled with toxic intent.
Overwhelmingly bad for you.
Inconsistent.
But oh, the allure. That's the bit that keeps you stuck, isn't it?
Let's pull back the curtain on everything they cannot give you, no matter how patient you are, no matter how loving you are, no matter how many chances you offer up on a silver platter.
Are you with me? Good.
Did You Really Think You'd Be Happy?
Hope is a beautiful thing when you meet somebody new, isn't it? Those butterflies. That feeling of, "Oh wow, maybe this is it."
You meet them and your heart goes a little wild. They are charming. They are charismatic. They text back fast. They remember tiny things you mentioned in passing, like the brand of tea you drink or the name of your childhood dog.
You feel like the luckiest person alive.
And how could you not fall? Everything you've ever asked for in a partner is being handed to you. Their attention feels like sunshine after a long winter. So you fall, and you fall hard, and you start telling your friends, "I think this might actually be it."
But here's the thing. The charm is the lie. The attention is the setup. What you think is happiness is the bait.
And the part that always gets me, the part that makes my heart sink, is how many people sit across from me months or years later still hoping. Still saying, "But Alexander, when they were good, they were so good. Maybe I can get them back to that person."
I have to gently tell them that person was never real. That person was a performance. And a performance cannot give you happiness, because a performance doesn't actually care if you are happy. It only cares if you are watching.
Are They For Real This Time?
And then come the fallouts. Of course they come. Sometimes one argument and they vanish for two weeks. Sometimes a daily back and forth that leaves you exhausted before lunch.
They tell you they cannot stand to be around you. They leave.
They give you the silent treatment for days. Then suddenly they're texting you like you're their best friend in the world.
So what brings them back? Two things, and only two things.
Their manipulation. And your forgiveness.
Now I want to be very clear here, because I never want anyone reading this to think I'm blaming them. You forgiving someone you love is not a flaw. It's a beautiful trait. But the narcissist uses it as a doorway.
Your forgiveness is the open window they keep climbing back through.
When they come back, they come back loaded. Watch for this pattern, because it's the same every time:
They tap into your weaknesses. They know what you love. Is it words of affirmation? Is it being chosen? Is it being seen? Whatever it is, expect a giant heaping serving of it.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey profess their love in wild, almost cinematic ways. The kind of declaration that makes you go, "Wow, nobody has ever spoken to me like this."
They apologize. They take blame. Two things they almost never do otherwise. And because it's so rare, it feels like proof. Proof that this time, they get it.
They promise it'll never happen again. There it is. The hook. Because what does that promise create in you?
Hope.
That ugly little four letter word that keeps so many people trapped.
So when you find yourself asking, "Are they for real this time?" I'm going to save you a lot of time and pain. No. They are not.
Solid Promises and Solid Plans? Where?
Look, I'll admit it. Sometimes narcissists do keep their word. They have to. It's part of the unwritten contract of staying just sweet enough that you don't leave. If they failed every single time, you'd be gone already, and they know it.
So they sprinkle reliability through the relationship like breadcrumbs. Just enough to keep you following.
But you came into this relationship expecting consistency, didn't you? Because consistency is part of how you love. When you say you'll do something, you do it. When you promise a friend you'll call on Tuesday, you call on Tuesday.
That's your value system.
Narcissists don't have a value system. Not really. They have a performance of one.
They pretend to value themselves, but underneath all that grandstanding, they can't stand who they actually are. So tell me, if they can't truly value themselves, how on earth are they going to value you?
I want you to think back. Can you remember a time the narcissist promised you something that really mattered? Something you'd been waiting for?
Maybe it was a day off work together. Maybe it was finishing the bathroom that's been half done for a year. Maybe it was meeting your parents properly. Maybe it was just being on time for your birthday dinner.
Did it happen?
And if it did happen, was there a price? Did you have to beg, remind, cry, plead? Did you have to make yourself small to receive it?
Because that's not a promise being kept. That's a transaction. And transactions are not love.
They cannot do it. Not in the way you need them to.
Chasing Them? Don't. Just Don't.
This is the bit where I get serious. I do my little jokes, I have my asides, but here? No jokes.
Do not chase a narcissist.
I will say it again because I need you to hear it. Do not chase a narcissist.
Chasing them strips you. It takes your dignity, your pride, your sense of control, your energy, your time, and most cruelly, it takes the opportunity for you to walk in a different direction entirely. The direction where actual happiness lives.
Here's what happens when you chase. You forget who you are. You stop checking in with yourself. You stop asking, "What do I want? What do I need today?" You're too busy asking, "Why aren't they texting me back? What did I do wrong? How can I fix it?"
And that's exactly the version of you the narcissist is looking for. The one who doesn't mind being at the bottom of the pile. The one who will accept crumbs because she's been told there's no full meal coming.
When you know you're not being thought of with care, when you know you're not a priority, something inside you starts to break. And rather than turning inward to find your worth, you turn outward. You go looking for it from them.
The very person who is taking it from you in the first place.
It's the cruellest loop I've ever seen. And I've watched a lot of people get caught in it.
So please. The next time you feel that pull to send the message, make the call, drive to their place, show up at the bar where you know they'll be, sit on your hands. Breathe. Do anything else.
Chasing them is abandoning you. And you are not abandonable.
The Love You Actually Need
If chasing them is abandoning you, then this last bit is about coming home to yourself. And I never want to end on a note that makes you feel unworthy of love. I want you to hear me clearly on this one.
None of what you've experienced has anything to do with whether you deserve love. You absolutely do.
But here's the truth, and it's a hard truth.
The love you need is not coming from a narcissist. Not now. Not in six months. Not after they "work on themselves." Not ever.
The love you need has to start in you. And I know how that sounds. I know it sounds like one of those quotes plastered over a beach photo on social media. But it's actually the only thing that works.
Because if you're searching for love from someone who isn't capable of giving it, you're abandoning yourself every single day you stay.
When narcissists come into your life, they come in like a warm gust of wind on a still day. Sudden. Welcome. Exciting. You wonder where they have been all your life, and they do everything they possibly can to make you feel like you've finally found your missing piece.
All the right words. All the right gestures. The texts at 8am, the song they sent you that reminded them of you, the way they look at you across a crowded room.
You think, "This is it. This is the one."
And then the wind changes.
It changes in them, but somehow it feels like it changed in you. They go cool. They snap at things they used to find charming. They are inconsistent with their messaging, their plans, their affection. They blame you for things that don't make sense.
They criticize the way you laugh, the way you eat, the way you breathe.
See also The One Thing a Narcissist Can't Fake, No Matter How Hard They TryAnd over time, you start to believe them.
You start to abandon yourself in slow motion.
And here is the part that breaks my heart every single time. You start to believe that all of this, every cold shoulder, every confusing fight, every walking on eggshells, is love.
It's not.
Love doesn't make you smaller. Love doesn't make you anxious. Love doesn't make you question your own memory. Love, when it's real, makes you feel safe, valued, trusted, and free.
Narcissists cannot give you that. They genuinely can't. It's not in them.
And waiting for it is just another way of putting your life on hold for someone who was never going to show up.
