9 things, and all of them will give you the very confirmation you need as to the types of people you're dealing with. Money is something we all need, and without it in this day and age, life can be a struggle.
Narcissists take money and do the most outrageous things with it, and if you spot any of these things, you're without a doubt being shown exactly who they are. Money talks, and so do actions.
And with a narcissist, money talks louder than almost anything else they say. Watch what they do with it, and you'll learn more in a week than in years of conversation.
1 Money is tight, they made it that way and it's not your fault
When a narcissist blames you for there being no money, despite you not actually spending any, you know there's a problem somewhere. They made it so. It's one of the narcissist's most commonly used tools. You're always spending so much money. You're never careful enough when you go grocery shopping.
You don't seem to be able to grasp exactly how money works. These phrases simply aren't true, but the narcissist will convince you they are.
While they're off buying anything and everything they could possibly want, you're holding back yet again through fear of being judged for daring to buy that new toothbrush. They don't converse with you and tell you that they're about to spend $400 on a shirt, yet you're the problem.
And if you ever question it, out comes the classic, "I work hard for this, don't tell me how to spend my own money." Suddenly you're the villain for asking.
This is specifically designed for you to look at your own behavior, so that you never really clock theirs. I wonder how many of you can relate to that. Probably far more than I can even begin to imagine.
2 Money is the financial push/pull
One week, the narcissist is overly generous, giving you money, telling you to go treat yourself, or encouraging you to push the boat out when you get to the food shop. Money is no object, spend, spend, spend!
You do so, with a little trepidation, but you're only doing as you're asked. In that same week you get a surprise gift from the narcissist, who suddenly wants to show you how much they love and care for you. Of course they use money for that…
Next week? The tap has run dry, any dollar you spend is going to be heavily criticized, and you're made to feel bad for that gift they bought you. This isn't the narcissist's mood or mind changing, this was all pre-meditated.
There are invisible invoices attached to everything you receive, and all the money you're told to spend. That invoice will be pulled up and held against you whenever the narcissist feels like it.
You'll hear it too. "After everything I've done for you? After that weekend I paid for?" Suddenly the gift wasn't a gift, it was a loan with interest.
You spend your life trying to chase yourself back into their good books and that seems to be your entire life.
3 Their secret spending? You were never meant to find out!
Hidden accounts will hide so many wrongdoings of the narcissist, but you'll never know, because they will always be kept under lock and key. One day, a statement or a new card may arrive at the house, and it won't make sense to you. What is it for?
You do some investigating, and realize the narcissist has either racked up thousands in debt, or has got a ton of money squirreled away that you knew nothing about. It's my money. I earned it. It's nothing to do with you. Why are you going through my mail?
It's always your fault. They weren't being accidental when they kept all of that from you…
…They were being toxic. If you don't know it's there, you will continue to struggle while they get the best of both worlds.
See also 7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The EndI had a client once find a credit card statement in a coat pocket. Twelve grand of spending she knew nothing about, and somehow she was the one apologising by dinner.
4 The basics are meant to be something you're grateful for
It's easy to miss what you should be grateful for, and when you're reminded constantly that you fail to show that gratitude, life can get pretty tough pretty quickly. No bill should be paid like it's some kind of favor, that's for sure.
All bills need to be paid, whether we like it or not. I got groceries for you this week. For me? Do you not eat them, too? Should I thank you? Something is wrong here. You're not a charity case, but a narcissist will treat you like one, that's certain.
And they'll bring it up months later too. "Remember when I paid the electric?" Yeah, the electric that was heating the home you both lived in. Wild.
5 Cash? They burrow it (away from you)
I know this one from your stories you send me, and none of them make living with a narcissist any easier than it currently is. Narcissists are quite often business owners, and will do what it takes to avoid paying the tax they're meant to pay.
Begrudgingly, they will, but it will be helped (and lessened) immensely by doing jobs for cash. Not running them into the books, the 'tax man' will never find out. For the narcissist, that means getting away with it, and having that cash burrowed around the house for a rainy day.
This is money you'll know nothing about. You won't even know where the narcissist keeps it, it will be that secret. What does that tell you about this person? It should tell you that you're with someone who wants to not only keep a secret from you, but money, too.
While you're trying to save money on the groceries by cutting back and watching what you buy, maybe even switching to cheaper brands, the narcissist has money you haven't got a clue exists.
And if you ever ask? Suddenly you're the paranoid one. "Why are you going through my stuff? What are you accusing me of?" Classic deflection, straight from the script.
6 Convincing you to give up your job or striving for more
Why do you even need to work anyway? What are you trying to push for that promotion for? All they will do is take advantage. It's not worth studying for that. If you didn't work, you could stay home and take care of the house and kids more.
I can cover the wages for the both of us. You're too good for that place. All the above comments are painted out of sheer concern for you, and the narcissist won't have it any other way. That's what they do; that's what's sneaky.
The narcissist is telling you that they're controlling what you do with your life and career. They're telling you that there are limits you should keep to, and rather than striving for a better life or grabbing any opportunities that present themselves to you, to not doing those things. Avoid.
Stay at home and be solely reliant on the narcissist for finances.
Because a person with no income of their own is a person who can't leave. They know that. You might not see it yet, but they do.
That is a huge red flag.
7 "You would never be able to live without me"
That's what all of this is about: the idea that you will never be able to live without the financial support of the narcissist.
They want you to think that no matter where you go in life, it will never be as easy or comfortable as being taken care of by them. Only, you're not being taken care of, are you? You're being taken advantage of.
The narcissist will use money to control the entire dynamics of your relationship, convincing you that you have to stay otherwise you won't cope in the big, bad world.
They will drop lines like, "Good luck finding anyone else who'll put up with you," or "You'd be broke within a month without me." Cruel, and calculated.
Security is one thing, but sanity is quite another. It is totally possible to move away from a narcissist and support yourself. You can have that career, and work your way up the career ladder, too. With a narcissist, the ceiling is always the limit.
In a healthy relationship; the sky is the limit.
8 Gifts With Strings You Only See Later
That watch. That weekend away. That surprise deposit into your account when you were struggling. Sweet, wasn't it? At the time.
Then, a few weeks or months down the line, it comes back around. "After everything I've done for you." "I paid for that dinner, remember?" "I bought you those shoes and this is how you repay me?"
Suddenly every gift has a receipt attached, and the receipt is you. Your compliance, your silence, your gratitude on demand. Refuse to do what they want and out comes the ledger.
I've seen people flinch at their own birthday presents because they know the cost isn't the number on the tag. The cost is being reminded of it forever.
Real gifts don't come back to haunt you. They're given, and then they're just yours. With a narcissist, nothing is ever really given. It's loaned against your future obedience, and they'll cash in whenever they feel you slipping out of their grip.
Does that sound familiar?
9 The Loans That Were Never Really Loans
"Can you just spot me until Friday?" And you did, because you love them, and Friday sounded reasonable enough.
Friday came. Friday went. You mentioned it once, gently, and got, "Wow, I can't believe you're keeping score. I would never do that to you."
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseSuddenly you're the greedy one for wanting your own money back.
This is how narcissists borrow. They don't see it as borrowing. They see it as you finally being useful to them, and asking for repayment is treated like a personal attack on the relationship itself.
I've heard every version of it. The car repair that was urgent. The rent gap. The business idea that was going to change everything. Money leaves your account, and the second it does, it stops existing in their mind.
And if you push? Watch how quickly the story becomes about how selfish you are, how materialistic, how you're ruining things by "making it about money."
They made it about money the moment they asked. You're just the only one honest enough to say so.
