Making the choice to leave a narcissist is a difficult one that comes with many challenges, but one that cannot be overcomed. Instead of feeling that relief of being free and able to move on, many people state their confusion.
They wonder if they're doing the right thing, or if now is the right time. Tomorrow won't be any better, but feeling confused doesn't make you weak.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I knew leaving was right, so why does it feel like I'm the one who did something wrong?" That feeling is the whole trap.
You're feeling the aftermath of a very troubling, abusive time. It's designed to make leaving feel impossible, but it isn't. I want to talk about why leaving feels worse before it starts to feel better. Let's get into it.
1 Freedom feels like a part of you has disappeared
I'll try and be as forward and clear as I can be, because the fact of the matter is, no relationship that has ended that was bad, should feel bad.
The problem many people have when they leave a narcissist is that it should feel like the most freeing thing you've ever done in your life.
It should feel like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders, like you have answered your own questions finally, and done the right thing in walking away. Leaving a narcissist should feel like you've escaped an eternal life of terror and abuse.
It should feel like you've unclipped yourself from their game and got away, free now to live the life you really want without them crushing you and making you feel so small and insignificant. So, why doesn't it? Why instead, does it feel as though you've lost a limb?
Why does it feel as though you have lost the best thing in your life, when you know full well how toxic they really were?
A client once told me, "Alexander, I keep waiting to feel relieved, but I just feel empty." That's the dopamine talking, not your heart. Your body misses the high, not them.
In short, you were flooded with dopamine during the love-bombing phase. Dopamine is the hormone that rewards you. It makes you feel amazing when something good happens, and it can be addictive to chase it.
Of course, chasing that high with a narcissist means relying on them to give you positive things, happy things, happiness! Neurologically, you start to feel as though you need them. It's real, and trust me, it's the same for all victims who feel stuck in leaving a narcissist.
They feel as though they're doing the wrong thing when they leave. Why doesn't it feel as good as it should? Because you're saying goodbye to that dopamine hit.
2 You fight that trauma bond
The pull back to a narcissist doesn't come from how you remember them treating you in the day to day.
No victim thinks, "Gosh you know, I really miss being criticized every single day, and told that I am unlovable and not good enough." It just doesn't happen, but that's not what this is about. The pull to go back comes from the withdrawal of that intermittent reinforcement.
It's missing the fragments of time you felt as though you were both on the same page, in love, caring and happy. People talk about the hot and cold cycle but there can be no cold without that hot.
I had a client describe it like quitting caffeine, but for her heart. She said, "I don't miss him, I miss the relief of him being nice to me." That's the trap right there.
It's never the cold victims focus on when they leave. If they did, they'd remember the majority of the time instead of what is known as barely any time at all.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe time the narcissist love-bombed you and gave you the odd compliment or kiss, or niceness instead of that usual heavy attitude. The nervous system grows so used to this push and pull dynamic, that it doesn't know how to cope when it disappears entirely.
It struggles to cope with this is really the end instead of, in a few weeks or months, this cycle will return. The nervous system loves familiarity, and when you take that away, it feels as though it's under threat.
3 They want to pull you back in so they do what it takes
Come on, yell out if you've fallen victim to going back to a narcissist after they've literally done whatever it takes to pull you back? You aren't a bad or weak person for doing so.
The charm of a narcissist is so strong, and just when you think you've figured it out, they will pull another trick on you to make you feel like they genuinely mean what they say. Narcissists have even been known to use rage or silence to make you doubt yourself.
Both of these tactics will make you feel worse before you notice positive change, and are both ways the narcissist wants to lure you back to them. See it as a sign that you are still reactive to their abuse, no matter what that abuse looks like.
This type of game can go on and on forever if you let it, but it's about stepping up and seeing the game for what it is. The big picture being you deserve better.
I had a client tell me once, "He sent flowers, then called me a selfish witch in the same hour." That's the whiplash. That's the trap. Recognise it?
It does get better, too. You just need to see that the narcissist wants to control you, even as you have one foot out the door. The problem is falling for the niceness, or wanting to improve their mood, and so you go back.
If you don't go back, you go to hell and back before you finally feel free. You've been stuck in this cycle of abuse for far too long now. Ask yourself, do you really want to stay there? Don't say yes just because it's familiar.
Say no, and take an opportunity to change your life for the better; for good.
4 Your system finally has a chance to reset
There's a noticeable shift that occurs when you leave a narcissist. That shift can feel as though your body is trying to tell you to go back the way things were. You feel as if you're being told, "Don't make any changes.
I like familiarity, and I want to go back there."
The nervous system does like familiarity, because it likes to be able to predict outcomes to keep you safe.
That's all well and good if you're living a happy life without any worries or abuse going on under the surface, but when you're with a narcissist, your nervous system is going to be doing all it can on a daily basis to keep you regulated.
It's no wonder then, that you won't be. That will be your familiar; not being okay.
I had a client describe it as her body grieving someone her brain knew was a liar. That tug back? It's chemistry, not love. Don't trust it for a second.
Leaving a narcissist feels chaotic, but I urge you to stick with it because it's in the chaos that you'll finally get a chance to start healing.
It doesn't mean you're failing; but you need to understand how worse you'll initially feel before your mood and emotions do start to improve. You were conditioned to feel a bond with them, and leaving them gives your brain a chance to break that bond.
You'll cry at nothing, you'll feel totally numb, then enraged at the narcissist for hurting you. You're untangling, and that's okay. There's a whole heap of your past that it has to make sense of, so going back and forth with different emotions is all part of the process.
It doesn't mean those feelings are going to stick around forever.
5 The Loneliness Hits Different This Time
You know loneliness. You've felt it before, probably plenty of times. But this kind? This kind sits differently in your chest.
Because you're not just alone in your apartment. You're alone with all the thoughts they used to drown out. The constant chaos, the drama, the walking on eggshells, it all kept you busy. Distracted. Now? Silence.
And silence is loud when you're not used to it.
You might catch yourself reaching for your phone to text them. Not because you miss them exactly, but because your brain is so used to that loop. The fight, the apology, the make up, the fight again. Now what?
A client once told me, "Alexander, I don't even know who to call when something good happens." And that broke me a little. Because the narcissist had become her default everything, even though they made her miserable.
This loneliness isn't a sign you made the wrong choice. It's a sign you're sitting with yourself, maybe properly, for the first time in a long time.
That's not emptiness. That's space.
6 Suddenly You're Grieving Someone Who Hurt You
And here's the part nobody warns you about. You're grieving them. The very person who made your life a misery, you're mourning them like they died.
It feels wrong, doesn't it? Almost embarrassing. You sit there thinking, "Why am I crying over someone who treated me like that?"
I hear this all the time. Clients whisper it like a confession. "Alexander, I miss them. What is wrong with me?"
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsNothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
You're not grieving the abuser. You're grieving the person you thought they were. The one from the love bombing days. The one who said all the right things and looked at you like you hung the moon.
That person never really existed, but your heart held onto them anyway. And now you have to bury someone who was never real to begin with.
It's a strange, foggy kind of grief. It doesn't fit anywhere. But it's real, and you're allowed to feel it.
Cry if you need to. It passes.
