I can hear you all agreeing with me right now:
Narcissists are so weird! The big thing now isn't that they're weird, it's what makes them so weird, and these 7 things are what most people actually miss.
I had a client say to me last week, "Alexander, nobody believes me when I tell them what he does." That's the whole problem, isn't it? The weird stuff hides in plain sight.
Sometimes you just want to yell to everyone, "Can't you see what's going on here?" I want to do that for you today. It's time to expose the narcissist and show everyone the toxic mess they're fully capable of.
1 They consider help you didn't ask for to be a gift
Have you ever been in your own world just trying to get by, and suddenly the narcissist you know pops up and offers unsolicited help, advice, or favors? I'll do that for you!
If you ask me… I think you should… I know you might not want my help, but I really think… Can I take you there? What if I made it possible? I know someone who can…
On first glance, you might think, "Yes! What a nice person!" You may even stretch as far as, "I can't believe they are being so kind and thoughtful!"
I want to hold you there, because kind and thoughtful are not in the narcissist's vocabulary. They wish it was, but it will never be. Instead, all narcissists see their time given to you as a gift.
A client of mine once said her narcissistic mother brought groceries over uninvited, then spent six months reminding her, "After everything I do for you?" That's the trap, isn't it?
You should be grateful that they even bothered to reach out in the first place. Behind it all is this unspoken obligation that you should admire them for offering, but what you really need to do is see the control and manipulation behind it.
Don't admire them and bow down to them just because they have offered you a little of their whatever it is. You certainly aren't forever in their debt because of it, but that's how the narcissist will make you feel.
Later on you'll have that brutal reminder that they did, "everything for you" and had nothing in return. You then naturally draw to feeling guilty, and feel as though you're dependent on them for future help or advice. You aren't.
This is just how low they stoop to getting you to feel you can't think or feel for yourself.
2 Vulnerable moments are where they slip in and subtly compete
Think about when you are vulnerable. You share a story of success; something you did so well. You share a moment of pain or anything else that may divert the narcissist's attention (and yours) away from them for a little while, and it really is a short time. What happens?
I'll tell you. A narcissist will want to redirect that attention back to them. Even through your most difficult moments, they will be able to turn any conversation back to themselves.
I had one client tell me she shared a promotion at dinner, and within thirty seconds her partner was telling the table about his bigger raise from years ago. Felt familiar to her instantly.
Comparisons like:
I know how you feel. I've been where you are. When I feel like that, I… It's like that time I… I don't recall struggling as much as you are right now. It's a hidden competition, and everything is always a competition. What does that achieve?
Well, eventually, it looks like you having to give up your vulnerable moments to tend to the narcissist's dominating obsession with themselves. The narcissist is constantly seeking to protect their ego. It can't be about you for too long, but so many people miss this.
3 Small details are taken and rewritten constantly
This is so a narcissist's favorite thing to do, trust me! They love to rewrite what they can. Everything from small facts to conversations they had, little parts will be taken and edited to feed their narrative further.
It might seem insignificant to you, barely noticeable in fact, but let me assure you, they know what they're doing.
Whether it's a fact, a conversation you previously had with them, or even a timeline that has become confused and altered, I want you to know that the narcissist isn't confused. They're trying to change it to suit them, and nothing more.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseOver time for you, you're probably going to doubt yourself and wonder why your memory is so different from theirs.
I had a client say to me, "He swore I told him I was fine with it. I never said that. I would never have said that." That's the rewrite in action.
It isn't at all, but your story is. Narcissists do this to maintain a level of superiority and because they always want to look like the victim, or better person. There's nothing in it for you other than looking bad and dare I say, even foolish.
Changes in details can be so subtle, and most people would overlook them without another thought. This was never about you. It's about their image and how they want other people to see them. You don't matter in that respect.
4 They love to study people with a strategic eye
So many narcissists love to observe other people's insecurities. While you're talking in a group and you're tucking your hair behind your ear and laughing nervously, the narcissist has clocked you and you won't even have noticed. They see you're shy or a little self-conscious, and for them, that's perfect.
Now they know who they can manipulate and dominate in future conversations.
I had a client say to me, "He remembered I hated being interrupted, and then a month later that's all he did." That's not a coincidence, is it?
Beyond that, we can branch out into other areas they watch you, such as your habits, what you want from life, or any emotional triggers you may have. Understanding you deeply means they stand a better chance of being able to use what they know to benefit themselves.
A flattering comment can be effective if their aim is to get you to like or trust them, and so that's what they'll do. Most people really miss this.
5 Loyalty tests are created, invisible to the naked eye
You won't see them, but that's the whole point, isn't it? Narcissists are forever expecting other people to prove their loyalty in ways that they don't actually ask directly for it.
These unspoken tests can be expecting immediate replies to texts or calls, agreeing with them, supporting them publicly, or defending them like a reflex.
One client told me she didn't text back for two hours because she was at the dentist. She came home to, 'Guess I know where I stand now.' Two hours!
For you, you're unaware you're even being tried, but the narcissist is always watching and waiting for opportunities to test how you respond. And if you fail? You're punished, fully discarded, given the silent treatment.
It's no joke, and narcissists can really take it far in the lengths they will go to, to prove you are on their side and in their team of allies.
6 They mirror personalities at lightning speed
The beginning of relationships is right where a narcissist will act as though you have every single thing in common with them. They want to take on your interests and even speak how you speak!
They get your humor and mimic it, they understand and mirror your values to make you feel like you've met just another version of you.
I had a client say to me, "It was like he'd read my diary." Favorite band, favorite food, same childhood story. Spoiler: he hadn't read her diary. He was just watching, closely.
It'll feel as though you are destined for each other, and most people will miss the fact that this connection is fabricated, rather than genuine.
You aren't similar at all, but in feeling like you are, you're far less likely to leave or think there's anyone better out there for you. That's why getting to know them feels so intense, and why you trust these people so quickly.
Maybe this will open your eyes to the true extent of their weirdness!
7 They love to use your confusion as emotional confusion
When you're confused, the narcissist is at their happiest. There are no real direct arguments, but narcissists are so good at mixing criticism with something affectionate, like:
I know you love me to be honest with you and that you hate liars, so that's why I wanted you to know that I really don't like what you're wearing.
I had a client say to me, "He told me I looked beautiful, but..." and that 'but' is the whole trick. The compliment was just packaging for the cut underneath.
I'm saying it because I care and love you. You then feel like you should be changing just to please them, even though you love your outfit and there's nothing actually wrong with it. Be super careful here!
8 Their Compliments Always Come With a Tiny Sting
You'll get a compliment, you will. But it'll have a little something stitched into it.
"You look great today. I almost didn't recognise you."
"Wow, you actually pulled that off!"
"That dress is lovely. So brave of you to wear it."
Catch that? That little sting at the end? It sits there like a splinter, and you can't quite get it out.
And here's the weird part. You walk away unsure if you've been complimented or insulted. You replay it in your head three times trying to decide. Was that nice? Was that mean? Am I being too sensitive?
No. You're not. That's the whole point of it.
Narcissists can't hand you a clean compliment because a clean compliment gives you something. It lifts you. And lifting you isn't on their agenda, is it?
So they give you half. Just enough to feel acknowledged, with a tiny dose of doubt to keep you slightly off balance. Clever, in a horrible way. Most people miss it entirely and just feel a bit odd afterwards without knowing why.
9 Watch How They Act Around Waiters and Strangers
Honestly? This one tells you everything.
Watch a narcissist with a waiter. Watch them with the person scanning their groceries, or the guy at the gas station. Watch how they speak to people they think don't matter.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsBecause here's the thing. They're lovely to you on date three. They're charming to your friends at dinner. But the waiter brings the wrong drink and suddenly you're seeing a flash of something else. The clipped tone. The eye roll. The "Are you serious right now?" muttered just loud enough.
And then they swing right back to smiling at you like nothing happened.
That little flash? That's them. That's the real them. The version they show people they can't get anything from.
I always tell clients, pay attention to how someone treats people who can't do anything for them. Because you, right now, can do something for them. You're useful. You're supply. The waiter isn't.
So the waiter gets the truth. You get the performance.
Worth thinking about, isn't it?
