I've lost count of how many people contact me asking for ways to get revenge on the narcissist they know. They want them to feel the same pain they've felt ever since the abuse kicked in and they endured all those years of hell.
I always say that the fantasy of causing damage is better than the reality, and that if you really want revenge, you're thinking about it completely incorrectly.
One client told me she spent two years plotting how to publicly humiliate her ex. She dropped the whole plan the day she realized he still thought about her, and she didn't.
The best revenge? Well, that's something most people never consider. It's time to think less big, and more cleverly.
1 The art of becoming boring
A narcissist is only happy when they're the center of drama. Somehow, none of it is their fault, but they find themselves there all the same. As they stand there, blissfully aware of every tear that falls from your eyes, they smile to themselves knowing they caused it.
They're still important enough for you to have these reactions to. They still matter, which is why you are angry, or why you're writing that long letter for them to hopefully read (they will never read it).
There is an art to becoming boring, and it all starts with the promise you make to yourself that you're never going to allow the narcissist to affect you like this any more.
I had a client who described it perfectly. She said, "Alexander, the second I stopped answering, he started sending paragraphs. Then nothing. Then flowers." That silence rattled him more than any argument ever did.
In order for this to be a success, you have to stop engaging, not just a little, but wholly. When the narcissist insists on interacting with you and firing off those messages of rage, you put your phone down and make yourself a sandwich. You pull away.
You act like you don't care, even if initially that's hard to let go of. You simply learn to go away, and you don't give the narcissist a single thing to catch you on.
It can be a way of trying to draw you into another attempt at some form of relationship, but you have to do the only thing that will invoke the kind of revenge you want to execute. Do not bring fuel to the fire they're trying to start.
2 The wellness exudes from you, finally!
This isn't you pretending to be well, this is you thriving. Did you ever think you'd get back there again? You felt at your worst with the narcissist, and now you're apart, you're suddenly finding yourself, bit by brick, brick by brick all over again. Sleep?
That went from a 3 to a solid 8 in a matter of weeks. Your face has color back in it, and your skin has never been clearer. The best part is when you bump into people you haven't seen in a while who widen their eyes.
A client of mine ran into her ex at a coffee shop six months after she left. She said he looked her up and down and mumbled, "You look different." She just smiled and walked out.
You look amazing! It's so nice to see you looking so well! What changed? Well, you cut off 200lbs of deadweight overnight, that's what. The narcissist is now out the door, and you're not even meaning to get revenge on them.
The thing is, it comes so naturally because you are just feeling so good. When the narcissist catches a photo of you online, your smile is real instead of forced, and that tells him everything he needs to know, as much as that pill is hard to swallow.
The revenge is yours.
3 You no longer tell the story
You know the one I mean. He was abusive. He made my life hell. He was the reason why I sank so low into myself. Those words no longer come, and you know why; because you've exhausted the idea that he is still the main character in your life.
Now it's you. Whenever you give the narcissist that platform, you're giving them space that you could otherwise be taking up. Each time you mutter their name, they win.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client stop mid sentence one day and go, "Wait, why am I still talking about him? He's not even here." That's the moment. That's the shift right there.
Taking that stage away from the narcissist is a form of self-preservation. Who knows what you could achieve if you weren't dragging up their name every five minutes.
I know it's tempting when all you want is to complain about them, and tell the world all the injustices you experienced in being with them or knowing them. Trust me, in the long run all you're doing is keeping their power attached to you. Who are you without them?
That's the biggest question. Who are you when there is no narcissist in your mind, taking over all your thoughts and extracting your energy? The revenge you can take is by erasing their name entirely.
4 You build a life the narcissist is in no photos of
When you scroll back on your phone, you might see all the photos of the narcissist from when you were together. That time at the beach, the vacation, your friend's wedding, hanging up some pictures in your house, or just hanging out together.
All smiles, yet now you can see the pain in your eyes even though your smile is big.
Now is your chance to build a life without the narcissist, and take photos that they aren't in. Go to a place you never visited together, or take up that hobby they always laughed at you for wanting to do.
One client of mine started hiking every weekend, something her ex had mocked for years. Six months in, her camera roll was all mountains and friends. Not a trace of him.
Meet new people who don't know the narcissist, so you don't have to be associated in any way to them. Little by little, you're replacing your old world with this new, fresh one that holds no toxicity.
Sure, the narcissist will hear about your adventures second hand, but that's not up to you to comfort them. Their anguish stems from the fact that you're doing fine without them.
5 You refuse to turn into the narcissist
The narcissist was hoping in some way you'd turn on them and show your cruellest side. They wanted you to be unkind, mean if possible, and lie all about them.
They even hoped you'd use the kids against them, and that you'd show this side of you others would be shocked at. Only, you didn't. Your refusal to turn on the narcissist came from the idea that they're just no longer worth it.
Because do you know what'd happen if you did?
I had a client once who was itching to blast her ex all over Facebook. She didn't. Two years on, she told me it was the smartest silence she'd ever kept.
See? I told you she was crazy. I told you all along to watch him, but none of you listened. This is exactly what I was talking about.
Don't give the narcissist the satisfaction of proving them right, as much as you might want to scream and yell from the rooftops.
If you can hold your own and get on with your life as minimally as possible, you're showing the narcissist that their story of you was incorrect, and that you're more than happy.
It's the ultimate form of revenge, especially if you want to come out shining at the end of it.
6 You outlive the narcissist's relevance
In the coming years, you want to aim for the narcissist's name to drop into your mouth a small handful of times. Meanwhile, the narcissist will be sitting there talking about you all the time.
I had a client message me last year saying she'd forgotten her ex's birthday for the first time. Ten years of that date burned into her brain, gone. That's the goal.
They can't get you out of their minds, and it drives them insane. Just have days they aren't in, and from there, work toward weeks, then months. Phase them out, and let the narcissist wonder what you mean to them.
7 You Stop Explaining Yourself To Anybody
How many times have you found yourself justifying every little decision? Where you were, who you were with, why you took that route home, why you bought that thing, why you said what you said?
Exhausting, isn't it?
Living with a narcissist trains you to over explain. You do it out of self-defense, hoping if you give them enough information, they won't twist it later. Spoiler alert, they still do.
The revenge here is quiet, but it hits hard. You just… stop.
Somebody asks why you left. "It wasn't working for me." That's it. No essay. No timeline. No character witnesses.
Somebody presses for more. You don't give it. You realize you don't owe a single soul a breakdown of your choices.
And the narcissist? They can't stand it. They thrive on your explanations because they can pick them apart, use them against you, feed them back to other people in a distorted version.
But if you're not handing over the material, what have they got to work with?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
8 Your Silence Becomes Louder Than Their Noise
There's something wildly powerful about not speaking. And I don't mean the cold shoulder or the sulking silence we sometimes fall into when we're hurt. I mean the real, settled kind of silence. The kind that says, "I'm not fighting for space in your story anymore."
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsNarcissists live off noise. Yours, theirs, other people's. They love a reaction, a rebuttal, a "but that's not what happened!" from you. That's their oxygen.
Take it away, and what are they left with? Just themselves. And that's the last place they want to be.
Your silence starts to echo. People notice. They notice that you're not defending, not explaining, not chasing. And slowly, the narcissist's constant chatter starts to sound exactly like what it is, noise for the sake of noise.
You don't need to say a word to prove your point anymore. Your peace does it for you. Isn't that something?
And the best part? They can hear that silence louder than anything you could ever have shouted.
