I know you can look at a narcissist and immediately know and feel something is off. Spending time with you is one thing, but then they disappear for lengths at a time, and you wonder what they do in that private time they so freely give themselves.
I've lost count of how many clients have said to me, "Alexander, I just know something isn't right when they go quiet." That gut feeling? Trust it. It's rarely wrong.
It's not for the faint-hearted, but I do want to shed a little light on the toxic endeavors they get up to, in the hope you can finally see just how dangerous and weird they are.
Narcissists think you don't know, but with this information, you know more than they could ever imagine.
1 The performance in private
Let's look at narcissists in detail, here. I know you all know at least one, and maybe they play a strong part in your life. Perhaps they did in the past, and you want to make sense of it all. You're in the right place.
You see, a narcissist plays a role in everyone's life they meet. That role changes, based on who they're around. For their boss, they will be the best version they know to be.
The perfected image of responsibility, capability and skill will be the main themes, and the narcissist will rarely slip up. Friends will all be kept at a shallow distance, and they will only be of use to the narcissist when it suits them. You?
I want to tell you that they will treat you right and give you the love you deserve, but I'd be lying to you. I don't want to do that.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "He'd walk through the door, kick his shoes off, and the air would change." That's it. That's the switch. Sound familiar?
You need the truth, and if you have been there, you'll know that narcissists give you their worst version of themselves they possibly can.
You see how charming they are out in the world, and you recognize it as similar to when you first met them, but as time goes by, that charm will fade to nothing. Before you know it, you're home alone with them and they're yelling at you. Slamming doors.
Sighing the moment they get home from work. Blaming you. Shaming you. Gaslighting you. All for what? There is no accident here. It's all by design to make you doubt yourself or convince yourself that you're too sensitive, or that you're imagining their moods. You're not.
2 They think back on everything they watched you do
…Which was way more than you could ever know. I'm not kidding, the narcissist will spend their time in private thinking about you and everything they've seen you do or say.
That starts to get really troubling when you think about when you first met the narcissist, and gave them all the information about you that they've now been able to weaponize against you. Remember when they love-bombed you?
You won't know it as love-bombing, but more as 'that time you really felt a connection, and felt truly loved.' The problem is, it wasn't like that for the narcissist.
Those intimate questions and deep conversations weren't to genuinely get to know you and connect, they were designed to store information. All that time, the narcissist was taking notes.
I had a client tell me her ex once threw back the exact words she'd said about her dad on their second date. Two years later. Word for word. Chilling, isn't it?
When you share those quieter moments with the narcissist at home and in private; that's where your answers to those questions will be pulled up and used against you. If it feels wrong, that's because it is wrong. You didn't speak so your words could be abused.
You spoke because you thought you could trust them, and over time, they prove repeatedly that you cannot. It's not your fault. The narcissist knows they have this over you.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou can't take any of it back, and despite claiming to forget so much that you refer to, the narcissist actually has a great memory, and this is proof of that.
3 The cycle that would keep you stuck
The narcissist knows that their private life is totally different to the life they lead when they step outside. They know because they invented the show, printed the tickets, and forced everybody in their lives to come along and watch.
In all seriousness, the cycle of narcissistic abuse is one that prevents people from seeing or believing that there is an ulterior reality available to them. They think this is it forever. Cycle in, everything's great, cycle out, everything hurts so badly.
A narcissist invents this cycle with one motive only:
To keep you attached. It's destabilizing, and rightly so. You can't build a foundation on these paper thin promises, but you will believe the paper is solid. That's the problem.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "It's like he gives me oxygen, takes it away, then waits for me to thank him when he hands it back." Sound familiar?
The narcissist is sweet to you. They tell you they love you, and can't believe how lucky they are to have met you. In the next breath, they say something so cruel that it almost takes your breath away.
That person you fell in love with will return briefly, but it's the kind of cycle that sends your nervous system into overdrive. You start to crave it. You even crave the bad days, because you know after a fight, you make up and feel loved, albeit for a moment.
Why should you or anybody else accept these breadcrumbs of affection? It's no wonder victims of this abuse feel stuck. They wait, they trawl through the tempers and rages, the yelling and the silence just to find one fragment of time where everything feels okay.
4 Trying to name it? Big mistake!
I see some of you. I respect you, too, because you've tried to call the narcissist out and name what's going on. You'd be right to. It's narcissistic abuse. You're being abused. Abused by a person who knows exactly what they're doing, and why they're doing it.
When you stand before the narcissist to tell them what's happening (not what you think is happening), they use DARVO on you. Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.
You went right into that conversation hoping for repair, but a narcissist uses their private time and space to really hurt you in return. How could you think this of me? What on earth are you talking about?
Why would I treat you like that when you know I love you? Of course you'd say that!
I had a client say it best. She told me, "I walked in to talk, and walked out apologizing for things I never did." That's DARVO doing its quiet damage.
You're the one who creates all the problems! I am just a person trying to love somebody else, and look where it gets me. You come out of that conversation wishing you hadn't bothered because it's now you who feels terrible. You apologize. You explain.
You take the weight of guilt. The thing is, your instincts served you correctly. You are being treated unfairly. You are being gaslighted. You are seeing things correctly. Your feelings are valid.
Trying to convince yourself of that after DARVO has been used against you is going to prove difficult though, and that's down to the narcissist wanting to come out the winner. In public, they wouldn't dare have these kinds of conversations with you.
It's all, "Look at me, aren't I perfect?"
No, narcissist, you're not perfect. Do carry out acts in private that are deeply disturbing, and wrong on every level. For that, we need to 'out' you any chance we get, and we will.
5 The Silent Treatment That Lasts For Days
You ask one small question. Maybe it was, "Are you okay?" or, "Did I do something?"
And boom. Days of nothing.
No words. No eye contact. They walk past you like you're a piece of furniture. They eat their dinner across from you in total silence. They scroll their phone, sigh, and turn their back to you in bed.
You know what this does to a person? It breaks them. Slowly. Quietly. You start to feel like a ghost in your own home.
And the worst part? You start apologizing. For what, you're not even sure. You just want it to stop. You want the air back. You want someone to look at you and acknowledge you exist.
That's the goal, by the way. They want you crawling back, begging for connection you should be receiving freely.
And once you apologize? They might give you a nod. A small word. Maybe a half hug. And you're supposed to be grateful for the scraps.
It's cruel. There's no other word for it.
6 Sleep? Forget It
Have you noticed how bedtime suddenly becomes the worst time of day with a narcissist?
You're exhausted. You just want to switch off and sleep. And that's exactly when they decide it's time to talk. Or argue. Or bring up that thing you did three weeks ago.
"We're not done with this conversation."
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatIt's 1am. You have work in five hours. They know.
This is sleep deprivation as a tool, and it's quietly one of the most damaging things they do. Because a tired you is a foggy you. A you who can't think straight, can't argue back, can't even remember what you were defending in the first place.
Some of them will deliberately keep the TV blaring, slam doors, start "important" discussions the second your head hits the pillow. Others wake you up at 3am to finish a fight you thought was over.
And you spend the next day functioning on fumes, wondering why you feel half mad.
That's the point. A rested you is a you they can't control.
