Ah, the good old ageing process. It comes to us all at one time or another, right? Only a narcissist will react in a detrimental way, because age does naturally take things away from us. So what does that mean for the average narcissist? More cruel?
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, watching him age is like watching a magician lose his tricks one by one." And honestly? That's exactly what it looks like.
More desperate? More volatile? More evil? You got it, all of the above! I want to talk about how narcissists react when age starts taking things away from them, and what it means for you, too.
1 Their entire foundations crumbles
Narcissism isn't built on identity; the presenting identity of all narcissists is fake. What lies underneath each narcissist is a weak, insecure, self-loathing person who hides behind the guise of an image they created themselves. This image is what they want everybody to see. I am a kind, upstanding person.
I love vacationing to expensive places. I am a successful partner at my firm. I love my car collection. I enjoy gold and yoga. I only drink a certain type of coffee. I have glowing, wrinkle free skin because I am healthy.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, he stood in front of the mirror for an hour every morning." At sixty-eight, he was still trying to find the man he sold.
Narcissism is built on all the aspects that particular person sells us about themselves, and they pick and choose those things based on what they deem to be the perfect image.
It's a foundation for them, and age will eventually take these things away, little by little, like a crumbling building about to collapse. Skin, no matter how healthy, will wrinkle. Eventually, everybody retires and has no job to their name.
Vacations can become difficult as health issues likely appear and progress. As the narcissist is built on nothing but an image, they can only rely on that image to a certain extent and point in time. Age will catch up with them, and then what's left?
Well, I would like to say that when I'm seventy-five that I will happily (hopefully) be enjoying a quieter life with whatever warm, loving people and things that comes with.
I won't be bitter; I'll be reflecting on a life I'm proud of, and accepting that my age is what it is, but that it doesn't change who I am. Narcissists? Not so much!
2 Their rage ramps up
Narcissists hate their supply slipping away. Younger narcissists may react by thinking about their next step, and planning it in detail. They want to know exactly what move to make for the biggest impact, and that's down to having more options, more people to manipulate, and more excuses.
Older narcissists don't act this way. Instead, you'll find them clutching at straws, grasping what they can while it's there.
A client told me her father, in his seventies, started slamming doors and breaking plates over the smallest things. He used to be smooth, charming, in control. Now? Pure rage.
This can mean a far angrier narcissist, which reminds me of a message I received not so long ago, where a woman told me that her narcissistic husband said to her:
The older I get, the more spiteful I will become. If that's not an admission of toxicity and evil, I don't know what is. It's as if this person can feel age happening in real time, and they're preparing their long-suffering spouse for the consequences.
It's a way for them to try to dominate their environment, which, in older age they know will be harder to do.
This assertion of power is evil, but it's a true reaction to how they deal with aging and losing all the control they held easily as a younger version of themselves.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
3 Everything is turned on you
An aging narcissist will love to turn to younger potential partners, chasing them and hoping for something fiery and energetic to come of it. Essentially, this means they want to feel young again.
They want a taste of what life was like for them several decades ago, and so they go and chase a status symbol that they hope will give them a new lease of life.
It's a sign of desperation, but when a narcissist who knows they're getting older can't do this, they often know they can't find that supply fast enough. They try to, but fail. What happens next is a type of fury that'll be hurtled your way.
I had a client whose ex screamed, "You did this to me! You aged me!" She was 34. He was 58. Make it make sense, right?
You're the one to blame, because the narcissist knows they can do that and get away with it. It comes to something when somebody so egotistical will use blame as a tool for the innocent, and in turn make them feel bad for something they're not a part of.
The crux of the matter stands, the narcissist is getting older. Age is no longer on their side. Their years become numbered, and they can't stand the loss of control and attention that comes with.
If they can't force themselves to feel young again by finding that younger model, then they will direct all their anger your way. Don't let it weigh you down, because I can assure you, that's what every single aging narcissist wants.
4 You become their prime target
I don't know why, but some people out there think it's their responsibility to try to stabilize a narcissist. We're talking here about stabilizing somebody who was never meant to be stabilized. You assume all these years they were somehow fighting you, but they weren't. They were fighting time.
They didn't want it to pass to the point where age started to be the deciding factor for things they could no longer do, people they could no longer date, or jobs they were no longer eligible to obtain. We all age.
Most of us do it willingly without the need for external validation. We didn't need to hide who we truly were. We didn't need to keep it a secret that we were playing the role of somebody else all along.
It wasn't the age of the narcissist that made them cruel. I know many wonderful people in their 90s who are a joy to be around.
I had a client tell me once, her mother in her late sixties screamed at her, "You stole my youth, you ungrateful little brat." She was washing dishes. That was the trigger. Imagine.
Age instead, made their cruelty all the more harder to hide. They couldn't shield who was under the mask. Therefore, the fact must remain:
You were never the problem. You happened to be the closest person standing with them when the narcissist's mirror finally cracked, and they realized age was beating them in their war for victory.
Being the narcissist's prime target means you're in line to be yelled at, given the silent treatment, controlled and manipulated until you don't even recognize who you are when you look in the mirror.
The narcissist won't care that they use you to attack just because you're there, and because you have what they don't have; warmth, emotions regulation, joy, a spark that authentically attracts people to trust and like you.
For those of you who know how it feels, let me tell you this:
You will never be able to tame an aging narcissist. When their age becomes the thief of what they once had, the only battle is between the narcissist and reality. You aren't in control of their life; what they say and do is up to them.
The more you spend time with people like this, the less of yourself you will start to feel. So let them react, let them dissolve into the aging process disgracefully, while you walk away.
5 The Mirror Becomes the Enemy
Have you ever watched a narcissist catch their own reflection and visibly flinch? It's something else.
The mirror used to be their best friend. Hours in front of it, posing, fixing, admiring. Now? It's like the mirror has betrayed them personally.
They start avoiding it. Or they stand in front of it for ages, pulling at their skin, tilting their head to find the angle that used to work. The angle isn't there anymore, and they know it.
And then comes the spending. Creams, treatments, fillers, that new procedure their friend's friend swears by. Whatever it takes to wind the clock back even five minutes.
One client told me her mother had three mirrors taken down in the house. Three! Like the mirrors were the problem and not, you know, time itself.
The lighting in the house gets changed too. Suddenly every room has soft, flattering bulbs because the natural light is "too harsh." Too harsh for who, exactly?
For them. Always for them. The face they used to weaponize against everybody else has become the thing they can't look at.
6 Suddenly, Everyone's a Doctor
Have you ever noticed how a narcissist who hated doctors their whole life suddenly can't stop talking about them?
It's wild. They'll go from "I don't need a check up, I'm fine" to listing every appointment, every specialist, every pill on the kitchen counter. And it's not because they finally care about their health. It's because illness gets attention.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A Sweat"My doctor said I have the heart of a forty year old." Sure they did.
"Nobody understands what I'm going through." Funny, you didn't want to understand anyone else for fifty years, but okay.
I had a client tell me her mother phoned her seven times in one day to describe a single blood test result. Seven! And when my client got sick herself? Total silence.
The aches and pains become the new performance. Doctors become props. Diagnoses become identity. They've lost the looks, lost the control, lost the audience, so now the body becomes the stage.
And the rest of us are expected to clap.
