Don't look now, the narcissist is up to their usual tricks, and it's all going on behind your back. That's the thing with narcissists, they're so weak that anything they do is largely going to occur when you aren't prepared or anticipating it.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I feel like I'm being watched even when they're not here." That gut feeling? It's almost always right. Trust it.
As your back is turned, a narcissist will get to work, and these 9 things will be going on. As you won't be aware, it's my job to make you aware. The more you learn, the stronger you will become!
1. Speaking About A Version Of You Behind Your Back
Every person the narcissist knows is getting a specially curated version of you that the narcissist wants them to know. They have to be careful with this, because it will be treated like moving pieces around a chess board with the intent and aim to win.
What can I say to this person to make them think a certain way about you? How can I get this person to believe me when inevitably I go to them feeling sad because of the way you've treated me?
If those pre-determined thoughts already exist due to a narrative you've built up, then the narcissist will know that they've said and done the right thing to make that happen.
I had a client walk into her own birthday party and watch half the room go quiet. Her mother in law had been told for months she was unstable. Sound familiar?
The narcissist's mum might be told that you drink too much. The best friend may be told that you're just too difficult. The boss could be told that you spend far too much.
You're difficult, you're very emotional, you like to know where the narcissist is, it's all framing and setting up for the perfect explosion that will occur at some point or another. And by the time you meet these people?
They've already got their opinion of you set in stone, even if it's all based on lies.
2. As Soon As An Argument Ends, It's Rewritten
When you get into conflict with the narcissist, you are likely to walk away and get on with your day carrying all the things they said to you. In the meantime, the moment the door closes, the narcissist is going to be off in their direction, editing the story.
If it circles back to you, the whole argument will have been reshaped via the narcissist polishing a version of it that paints them in a good light, and you in a bad one. You find out that what they've spread was that you said more, and even made threats.
I had a client tell me her sister actually called to check on her, because she'd heard she'd been screaming the house down. She hadn't even raised her voice.
The narcissist will have told everybody how calm they were, and how they tried to even bring you down from your heightened emotions. It's even possible to hear that you were hysterical, and I know you know none of this is coming from the narcissist's memory.
It's all coming from an opportunity they had to revise what happened behind your back, and speak unfairly about a situation you found difficult. Now you're the bad guy.
3. They Snoop Into Your Various Accounts
Whatever it is that belongs to you, if you're with a narcissist, you can scrap that. Nothing belongs to you when a narcissist is around. There isn't allowed to be privacy (unless it's theirs), there isn't allowed to be autonomy (unless it's theirs). So your phone, your iPad, your email address, your payment accounts, even your bank accounts are all fair game.
The narcissist will want to know the login details for some stupid reason they'll offer you, and you'll give it because they make it seem as though they care.
I had a client whose ex memorized her phone passcode by watching her type it on the couch. She thought he was just being affectionate, leaning over. Nope. He was studying.
If they don't ask, they'll find a way to look anyway and deny that they do. In fact, it will be you who is gaslighted into thinking they don't, when you have full evidence that it happens.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWhat you do in those accounts is your business, but this is not something a narcissist just lays back and accepts. They don't want to not know what's going on behind their back, so behind yours they will start digging for answers.
Your privacy will feel like the biggest threat to them, so don't ever think you'll get away with trying to keep some of your life separate from them. It will never work.
4. Your Flaws Are Noted, And Never Forgotten
There's no notebook present for this, but the narcissist will keep track of all your flaws, ready to use them when they need to. Their mind is like a mental catalog of every embarrassing thing you've ever told them.
They remember every family member you're worried about, or who is frustrating you. Every time you've admitted to having a fear or insecurity, the narcissist is keeping track.
A client told me once that her ex brought up something she'd cried about on their second date, two years later, mid-argument, just to flatten her. Two years.
It's a list they continue to keep, and it's always for later, right when the perfect opportunity to speak about it arises. You'd never know until they surprise you with something you said five months ago, or ready for when they assassinate your character during your break up.
If you're confiding in a narcissist, it will never be forgotten, so I suggest you really choose who you open up to. Never trust anybody until you really get a good scope of who they are.
You think you're being nice and allowing them to enter your world and offer advice or be that pillar of solace, but in actually fact, they're keeping score of every little detail you speak of.
5. They Form An Army Of Alliance: You Are The Enemy
I am so worried about her. Lately, she's been off and I don't know if it's stress. It's because I care.
I had a client come to me in tears because her own sister said, "He told us you were having a breakdown." Months of groundwork, all behind her back. Sound familiar?
Let me make it clear as day for you:
The narcissist isn't worried about you. They are trying to find a way to frame you, so when you try to speak to these people about your experiences and what you have to go through with them, you'll look crazy.
It's all a big plan, and the majority of it is done behind your back so you don't suspect a thing. The narcissist wants to convince others that they're innocent, and they will do whatever it takes to make that happen.
6. Their Next Move Is A Constant Rehearsal
Every time the narcissist moves, they've already spent a long time planning and approving it in their minds. As spontaneous as it all may seem to you, there's nothing the narcissist does without thoughtful and careful planning, so that's something you always need to be aware of.
You carry on and think everything's fine, and they're quietly considering various scenarios.
I had a client tell me her ex once said, "I've been thinking about this for months," mid argument. Months! She thought they were happy. He was rehearsing her downfall.
When they make their move and say or do something to destroy you, it's as if it's come out of nowhere. It hasn't. It's been planned behind your back.
7. The Unknowing Audition: They Look For Your Replacement
The narcissist is always looking for your replacement. Even when you think they're blissfully happy with you, they're not. If they think the relationship is coming to an end, at some point, they will want to put somebody else in the shoes you're walking.
I had a client find out her narcissistic partner had been messaging a coworker for months, asking little questions, planting little seeds. She was still cooking him dinner. Sound familiar?
Having their eye on somebody else means they're constantly testing the energy of others to see who is best suited. Form an orderly queue, please! That's how they see life, and you're just the latest.
8. They Test You With Tiny Little Lies
Here's a strange one, and you might not have caught it at the time.
Narcissists love to drop little lies into conversation, almost as throwaway comments, just to see what you'll do. Tiny stuff. "I told you I was working late on Tuesday, remember?" No, they didn't. "I never said I'd pick that up, you must be confused." Yes, they did, and you're not.
Why bother with such small fibs? Because if you let the little ones slide, the bigger ones become easier to slip past you. It's a temperature check.
I've had clients tell me, "I knew he didn't say that, but I couldn't be bothered to argue over something so small." And that's exactly the point! They're banking on you choosing peace over correction.
Each time you don't push back, they make a quiet little note. "Okay, I can lie about that. What else can I get away with?"
It's testing, plain and simple. And the small stuff is always practice for the bigger lies waiting in the wings.
9. Your Secrets? Yeah, Those Are Currency Now
Remember that night you opened up? The one where you cried and told them about the thing nobody else knows. The childhood stuff. The insecurity you've carried around for years. The thing you'd die if anybody else found out.
Yeah. They're using it.
Not to your face, of course. Behind your back, your deepest stuff becomes ammunition. Currency. Little juicy nuggets they trade with their flying monkeys to make you look unstable, dramatic, broken.
"Honestly, I'm worried about them. They've got a lot going on. I shouldn't say, but…"
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatAnd then they say.
Every single thing. Dressed up as concern, of course. Always concern.
I had a client once who told me her ex had shared her miscarriage with his entire friendship group as a way of explaining "why she's been so difficult lately." She found out at a party. From a stranger.
Tell me that isn't one of the cruelest things you've ever heard.
Your vulnerabilities were never safe with them. They were taking notes the whole time.
