If you ever want to beat a narcissist, please don't assume that it's an impossible move to make.
It's very possible, but it's all about the long game, and looking out for these signs that confirm not only that you've beaten them, but that the narcissist is aware of it, too.
I had a client message me at 2am once saying, "I think I actually did it, I think I beat him." And you know what? She had. She really had.
You'll destroy them if you beat them, so if that's your aim, I suggest you start believing that you can do anything you want. This can be a war you win.
1 The volume hits max
Narcissists love volume. They want to be seen and heard by all, and you will notice it in every single outburst they crank up to max. Now their outbursts are louder, and their accusations hit you on a whole new level. You think you're so much better than me!
You think you've gotten me all figured out! Yeah.
I had a client tell me her ex screamed so loud the neighbors knocked on the door. She just sat there sipping her tea. That silence? It broke him more than any comeback ever could.
I'd say that was pretty accurate, don't you? The reason these words and moods start increasing is because the narcissist, believe it or not, is actually panicking. This is their way of trying to hide it, while blaming you to try to take any heat off themselves.
You're dealing with a person who has a long history of controlling you, and now they know you've changed, they change. The only thing they feel they have got left that will possibly work is volume. So they use it.
2 The smear campaign overtakes everything else
Smear campaigns are dangerous strategies used by narcissists to get back at you. Their aim is to punish you, and that can normally be when it seems to the narcissist that you're beating them in some way. And so. The narcissist goes full throttle.
People you know start knowing your business. Mutual friends you have start to go quiet on you and spend more time with the narcissist. That friend who used to text every single day doesn't even send one text a week now.
Things feel cold, and that's an intentional move from the narcissist; that's what a smear campaign is.
I had a client come to me in tears because her sister stopped answering the phone. Turns out the narcissist had been calling her weekly with fresh little updates. Nice, right?
If you are getting the negative side effects of their manipulation against you, then the campaign will be considered successful. Narcissists do work overtime here as it's all they really have.
They don't want you to win; they want to be seen as the victim while you walk around town with the 'Bad guy' sign around your neck. Why? Because they aren't winning, and they know it.
A person who is winning and admired by all doesn't need a smear campaign, but someone who's losing does. They're driven by panic, so anyone they bump into will hear stories that you've changed or you became difficult to be around.
Loosely translated, they mean they could no longer control you, but they can't say that to people. The louder their campaign, the more you've rattled them.
3 Makeover time: the brand new personality
The narcissist does everything they can to make themselves over when they know you have beaten the narcissist. Out of nowhere, you'll see signs such as:
I really feel like I've changed. I've been thinking lately, and I know I've not been the person you've wanted me to be, but I really think I can be. A tiny part of you might, temporarily, think, "Finally!"
Do not. The timing of this is what you really want to pay attention to, not their words or promises.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client tell me once, her ex suddenly booked couples therapy the week after she stopped crying at his voicemails. Not before. Not during. After. Convenient, isn't it?
You fell for those a long time ago, right? This is no different, and is sadly a case of trying to hook you and reel you in.
The narcissist's grip slips when you've started to see through them, and a sign that your new power play has beaten them comes from their panic in wanting to hold onto you.
If a person really has changed, they won't wait until you've stopped being of use to them to show you. All this does is prove that there is no such thing as a coincidence when it comes to narcissists.
4 Their silence is the loudest thing
Silence becomes the narcissist's loudest tool. Don't be fooled by it. They use silence as a weapon to punish and panic you, and if you're to believe them, you will start begging them to come back to you.
I had a client tell me her ex went silent for eleven days, then messaged, "I hope you're proud of what you've done." She wasn't. She was free.
Don't allow it. Instead, see their silence as an obsession with controlling you, and if you aren't careful, you will fall back into old habits. You know better than this. They will never change, neither will their tricks.
5 You stop falling for their charm
Do you remember those early days, where you met the narcissist, and they gave you everything you wanted? From the way they spoke to you, to the attentive and affectionate way they treated you.
Maybe it was more the promise of being there for you forever, or telling you that you are their soulmate. I'll do anything for you. I want to marry you some day. You're so good at everything you do. You're the best. I love you.
I've never met anyone like you before. Music to your ears, right?
One client told me she used to feel her stomach flip when he said 'you're my soulmate.' Now she hears it and thinks, here we go again. That's growth, isn't it?
Especially if you have a history of less than ideal relationships that never worked out. You meet someone who gets you, and who appreciates you for exactly who you are. I hate to say it, but yeah, you fell for some charm.
That's not to say you aren't great and loving and brilliant, but narcissists say these things to boost someone's confidence. The more confidence and belief in a person someone has, the more the narcissist has to knock out of them at later dates, right?
That's how it goes, and falling for it means you caught the bait, you were reeled in, and eventually, you'll be spat out. I beg you to stop. Stop falling for it, and your world will instantly change.
As soon as the narcissist is aware that you've stopped buying into their charm, they will drop you like a hot potato. You're of no use to someone who relies on you being blind to the abuse.
6 Your reactions are minimal, if there at all
Who needs reactions? The narcissist, that's who! They need every single tear, every single, "Are you okay, did I do something wrong?" They need every single moment you snap, or when you agree with them about something that absolutely did not happen.
In those moments, you become this person the narcissist can control, shift, shape and bend until they break. Your reactions are fuel; the narcissist needs you to be able to show them how much they still mean to you.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "Why aren't you crying? What's wrong with you?" She just shrugged. He couldn't handle it. Isn't that everything?
So each time you cry or want to stay up all night talking about your latest problem, the narcissist sees you as someone who isn't giving up. Stop reacting. Let the narcissist see you in neutral mode.
Let them feel the pain of your indifference as they scour your perimeters for a frown or a comment that acts as supply. Let them find nothing but dry land where you once weeped.
It's then you will both know you've defeated the narcissist, and they will be fully aware of it.
7 The Hoover Attempts Get Desperate
Ah, the hoover. You know it, I know it, we all know it.
But here's the difference now. When they've realized you've beaten them, the hoover attempts stop being smooth. They stop being that charming little text that used to reel you back in. Now? They're desperate. Sloppy. Almost embarrassing to witness.
You'll get the "I've been thinking about you" text at 2am. Then a "Can we just talk? Please." Then a random photo of something you used to share, as if that was going to break you. Then the guilt trip. Then the fake emergency.
Notice the pattern? They're throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks.
And nothing does. Because you've moved on.
I've had clients show me the message threads and honestly, it reads like somebody spiralling. Which, in a way, they are. The mask is off, the tricks aren't landing, and they're grabbing at anything.
You almost feel a bit of secondhand embarrassment for them. Almost.
Keep ignoring. Every ignored hoover is another confirmation that you've won.
8 They Suddenly 'Miss' You (Yeah, Right)
Out of the blue, you get the message. "I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I miss what we had."
Oh, do you now? After everything?
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsI laugh every time a client shows me one of these texts. Because the timing is never random, is it? It comes right when they realize the hoovering isn't landing, the smear campaign isn't sticking, and you're genuinely doing fine without them.
So they pull out the soft card. The vulnerable one. "I miss you." "I still think about our good times." "Nobody gets me like you did."
And here's the thing. They don't miss you. They miss what you gave them. The attention, the patience, the endless benefit of the doubt. They miss having somebody who let them get away with it.
You beating them means they've run out of every other angle, so now they're trying tenderness. It's the last card in the deck.
Read it. Don't reply. Screenshot it if you want a laugh six months from now.
