Narcissists are famous for loving a loud, chaotic space. They thrive in the kinds of places that laughter dominates, shouting is extreme, tears are flowing, and (or) there is some kind of audience to gain attention from.
A client said to me last week, "When the house goes silent, that's when he panics. He'll start a fight over nothing just to fill the room." Recognize that?
What they don't like is the quiet, and that's usually down to the fact that little haunts start to overtake their minds which leave them feeling heavy. Want to know what kinds of haunts I'm talking about? Well, you came to the right place!
1 Certain names they're unable to stop thinking about
I don't know if you want me to say that one of these names will be you or not, but let me make this clear:
A narcissist thinks back as long as they can remember. Names will crop up in their minds that you've never heard of. A narcissist has a memory like an elephant.
They will think back with ease to the exes who wronged them, or the ones who left before the narcissist could. These thoughts are unable to be switched off the moment a room goes quiet, and it just goes to show just how many 'ghosts' are haunting them.
The second the noise lessens, those ghosts start to haunt them all over again, and will not quit.
And it isn't always the people who hurt them. Sometimes it's the ones who loved them properly, the ones they pushed away on purpose. Those names sting the worst, don't they?
This isn't just at night time. This would also happen if they were driving home and their car radio was broken.
The fact of the matter is it's the quiet that becomes loud, and this is the kind of loud the narcissist can't run from, no matter how fast they can move.
I recall a client of mine once telling me that her husband still searches for exes long after they've broken up. She mentioned how she thinks he doesn't know, but that she sees him sitting quietly and can almost feel the tension the peace is bringing him.
I find that kind of anecdote to be the most disturbing of all.
2 The specific thing somebody said in passing
You think there isn't much here that a narcissist can pick up on and incidentally haunt them in their quieter moments, but you'd be wrong. Let me introduce you a little to the world of a narcissist.
There will be a friend at some point who rolled their eyes at the narcissist. You'd think it'd be brushed off, right? No. It's impossible to brush off such an offensive act as far as the narcissist is concerned, and this proves my point.
Usually, a busy day or life would mean a narcissist never really gets the chance to dwell on such a cutting move, but that's not their reality at all.
I had a client once tell me her ex couldn't let go of a comment his sister made at a barbecue. Six months later, he was still rehearsing comebacks in the shower.
Any chance their world shuts down for a moment of quiet, the narcissist will have all these images or voices of their past flood back to haunt them.
Somebody who ignored them, a coworker who didn't want to sit with them at lunch, a neighbor who didn't wave as they passed in their car. They all count, and they all shine a light on the narcissist. What did I do? Have they figured me out?
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are AloneWhat have they heard about me? These thoughts must be exhausting, yet this is the true world of a narcissist.
3 The lie they spewed earlier in the day
Okay, before you assume that I am going to be leaning into a narcissist feeling guilty, I want to correct you before I even get started. Narcissists don't feel guilt; this is not that. Did I say I was at the office or the gym?
Did I tell her I saw Tom, or was it Brad? What time did I say my meeting finished tomorrow? Welcome to the mind of a narcissist; a place where they literally lie so much that they struggle to keep up with them.
It's a huge haunting of the narcissist, and they don't know what to say or do to get to a place where they can actually remember what was said.
I had one client tell me her ex would whisper to himself in the car before walking into the house. Practicing. Rehearsing. Making sure today's lie matched yesterday's lie. Creepy, right?
They want their stories to match, in fact, they need them to match so they don't look bad. If you've ever heard a narcissist muttering to themselves, this is why. They're relaying what they told people.
It isn't that they will feel bad if they're caught out, but rather they fear being exposed as a liar if so. That's enough for them to panic in the quiet. Lies haunt, guys.
You might think they feel bad, and they may even pretend they do just to get a little attention and sympathy from you. Don't buy it.
4 Money, money, money
Lying at the center of every narcissist's world is something we all need, and all enjoy. Only some of us are so obsessed with it that it haunts us the moment our world hushes for long enough to think about it in any kind of depth. Money.
The narcissist will think about money as often as they can, but when things go quiet in their world, money can haunt them. All the credit cards they have, or the loans they've taken out.
The people who've borrowed money from them and never returned it, or the people the narcissist gave money to.
I had a client whose narcissistic ex used to flash his Rolex around at dinner parties. Meanwhile, he was three months behind on rent. Sound familiar to anyone?
The lease. The mortgage. Their next vacation. As much as narcissists are obsessed with cash, most of them are so irresponsible with it. They don't take care of their earnings the way they should, and often splurge on things to impress others rather than think about what they actually need.
As they realize they owe people money, or need to pay off their credit card statement for the month but don't have the cash to, they become haunted by all their disastrous purchases.
As far as they're concerned, they cannot shake finances, and they never forget what, or who, is on their list of people in debt.
5 That one person who saw their mask slip once
I always like to save the worst 'til last, and this one is no exception. Have you ever seen a narcissist's mask slip? If you have, then you're probably on their list of people who haunt them.
They think about you whenever the room quietens for long enough for that ghost to catch up with them, and trust me, that won't take long.
Their past is filled with people like you; people who saw through the act, who asked them direct questions, and who caught them acting in the toxic way they'd usually want to hide. I see who you really are.
One client told me her ex went pale when she said, 'I saw your face change last night.' He never spoke about it. But he never forgot it either.
That's enough for them. It's game over after that. It's a sentence and statement that gets to the heart of a narcissist, and starts to rot it.
Right where you think the narcissist is relaxing and enjoying some peace, they're thinking about the people who found out the truth, and who they cut out of their life as a result. You see, even though the room may be quiet, the narcissist's mind is anything but.
It's a haven for reality, and that reality can only be escaped from for a certain amount of time. Before long, and usually when the room gets quiet, it won't take long for all the ghosts to rise and haunt the narcissist all over again.
6 The Apology They Owe But Will Never Give
There's a name, isn't there? Maybe two. Maybe a whole list of them. People they owe a real, proper, look you in the eye apology to.
And in the quiet, that list scrolls.
They won't say it though. They never will. Because to apologise is to admit, and to admit is to crack open the whole thing. The lies, the cruelty, the years of making you feel small. If they pull on that thread, the whole jumper unravels, and they cannot have that.
So instead they sit with it. The name floats up. Maybe it's yours. Maybe it's a sibling, an old friend, a parent they treated like dirt. And for a second, just a second, something flickers. Guilt? Shame? Who knows. It's gone before they can name it.
What do they do with it? They bury it under another story about how you were the problem. How you overreacted. How you didn't understand them.
But the name stays. It always stays.
That's the bit they can't outrun.
7 How Empty That Big House Really Feels
You know the house I'm talking about. The one they made sure everybody saw. Big driveway, fancy car parked just so, the kitchen they posted online a hundred times.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseNow imagine them in it at 11pm. Lights off in most of the rooms because, well, what's the point? Nobody else is home. Or somebody is home, but they're upstairs avoiding them, and that's almost worse, isn't it?
The big house was supposed to be the proof. Proof they made it. Proof they're better. Proof you should have stayed.
Instead, it echoes.
Every expensive thing in there is just a thing. The art doesn't talk back. The marble counter doesn't ask how their day was. And the silence in a big empty house is louder than the silence in a small one, I'll tell you that for free.
They built the whole thing to be looked at. They forgot to build it to be lived in. And now they're rattling around inside their own trophy, wondering why it feels like nothing.
