I'm only too aware of how difficult it can be to spot a narcissist early on in knowing them. Their traits are hidden under a thick layer of charm, but that doesn't mean you can't start to spot patterns as they reveal themselves to you.
A client said to me last week, "I just need to know if I'm crazy or if he is." That's usually the question, isn't it? You're already halfway to your answer.
I can't give anybody an official diagnosis over the internet, but these informal tests will help you discover whether or not you're with a narcissist. Are you ready to start?
1 The infamous boundary test
First up, we have that boundary test I know most people who have their suspicions may dread thinking about doing.
The dread is only there because you may already know the outcome, but bear with me and let's look properly at how you can be sure you're dealing with a narcissist. Initially, you want to set up a scenario where a reasonable boundary is necessary for you to apply.
It might be something as simple as you have an important meeting in the morning at work, and you want to make sure you get an early night followed by a good night's sleep in preparation.
The meeting may not even exist, but the fact is you want your partner's response, as it will tell you everything you need to know. Observe them.
Look for the kinds of signs that they're trying to sabotage your early night, or create drama or stress they know will affect your sleep. Are they angry?
I had a client tell me her partner suddenly developed a migraine the night before every big work moment. Every single time. Coincidence? Of course not.
Are they trying to bait you into joining them in some new conflict or argument? Are they making you feel bad? "You promised you'd stay up with me and watch the finale of the show we love." "You're going to leave me to sit down here by myself?"
Are they angry? "Meeting? Really? That's more important than spending time with me?"
What are they trying to manipulate, if at all? "I don't feel good. Can't you run to the store and grab me some medicine even though it's late?"
Repeated boundary violations point to all the signs that you're with a narcissist. Any other person would respect your decision to head to bed early so you can be on fire for your meeting.
2 'Putting yourself in the spotlight' test
What do you think will happen if you put yourself in the spotlight? What might the suspected narcissist respond with if you come home one evening and share really positive news with them? You're putting yourself in the spotlight because we all deserve a little time there, don't we?
It's good to celebrate ourselves this way, and with loved ones by our side, that joy can be shared with them, too. Not if you're with a narcissist.
I had a client come home buzzing about a promotion once, and her partner said, "Must be nice. Meanwhile I've been killing myself at work." Sound familiar?
In that case, expect to see any attention you're trying to get be diverted right back to them instead.
You'll know you're dealing with someone like that because they will make it known in their own way that you are looking for too much of what they themselves need to survive. You're happy, but your happiness has nothing to do with them, or anything they were involved in.
That acts as a direct threat to their ego, and should be a red flag all by itself.
If you can't even have one moment of happiness, where pride replaces the mundane day to day of living, then you're in a danger zone with someone who wants to keep you small forever.
That only goes one way, and eventually that'll be you are so small, you feel as though you no longer know yourself.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 The test of accountability
Here's a great way to test someone! Accountability and narcissism really do not go hand in hand. No narcissistic character knows how to be held accountable when they screw up or upset someone, so here's what you need to do. First, you need to raise a concern.
Maybe you have a certain thing on your mind you want to talk about, or you want to talk about a recent hurt or pain you felt. You're calm; you don't want to raise anything with heightened emotions that will immediately get their back up.
It's got to be something the narcissist did, that you know they did. Next, you want to observe.
I had a client whose husband once said, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and walked out the room. That's not an apology. That's a door closing on you.
It's a quiet moment for you, but it will provide you with everything you need to know. Look to see if your partner deflects, changes the subject or refuses to discuss it because they're 'busy.'
Look for them blaming you, rather than handling the blame themselves. Do they refuse? Do they apologize? Do they listen to you when you're talking, or do they roll their eyes and tut like you mean nothing to them?
These are all such telling responses from someone who could just say, "You know what? I hold my hands up. I didn't act nicely, and I really am sorry."
4 The test of empathy
Narcissists are known to have zero empathy in their systems, which is why it's always good to run the empathy test to see who you're really dealing with. Start by discussing something difficult you're going through or feeling. Do they offer you genuine concern back?
I had a client tell me her ex actually yawned when she told him her dad was sick. Yawned! Then said, "Are we still going out tonight or what?" That's your answer right there.
Are they sitting without judgment or interruption? Are they even interested? Looking for empathy without that layer of fakeness or inconvenience means you're looking for someone genuine, and non-narcissistic.
5 The independence test
This is a good one, as it really makes you think about the kind of person you're with. When you spend time with other people, what happens?
You try that independence, and you enjoy it because we all should have that freedom to see our family and friends when we want.
I had a client say her partner would sigh heavily every time she mentioned seeing her sister. Not a word against it, just the sigh. Guilt without fingerprints. Recognise that?
If we want to pursue our hobbies, we should be able to. Does your partner support these things, or do they try to control what you do, exuding remorse if you are too independent?
This is definitely something to run a test on, because you may not even notice the narcissist is doing it.
6 The test of criticism
This one is a little bit of fun, but you don't have to go overboard with it. In fact, any level of criticism will work, so it's best to keep it small for the sake of the test, and your sanity. Start by offering a form of mild criticism.
Think of it as feedback. Maybe they cooked dinner and you found it a little spicy. Perhaps they painted the hall and they missed a bit.
A healthy person would just say, "Oh okay, I'll add less chilli next time," and move on. The narcissist treats your feedback like you've insulted their entire bloodline. Sound familiar?
It's really nothing to the healthy person, but to the narcissist, it will hit them hard. Why don't you cook next time! Like you could do any better? Oh, I'm sorry. Shall I roll out a less spicy banquet next time? I didn't realize you were such a painting expert!
Those comments will come from someone who is really uncomfortable with your words.
7 Consistency: the biggest test of all
Consistency really does matter. When you run a test to see if the narcissist is consistent, you're looking for ways they behave in private compared to how they behave with just you around.
I had a client say to me, "He's an angel at his mom's house, but the second the door shuts he's screaming at me about the dishes." Sound familiar?
Compare it. Call them out without any aggression or emotion, and see how they react to you.
That gap between their image and reality needs to be filled with facts, so if you're dealing with a narcissist, you will be able to see them panic when you look into how consistent they are as a rounded person.
8 The 'No' Test: Watch What Happens
This one is simple, and brutal in what it reveals.
Say no to something. Not in a dramatic way, just a normal, everyday no. "No, I can't do that tonight." "No, I'd rather not." "No, I'm not up for it."
And then? Watch.
A healthy person shrugs and moves on. They might be a little disappointed, sure, but they accept it. A narcissist? Oh, you're in for a show.
Suddenly you're "being difficult." Or they go cold on you. Or you get the sulky silence that lasts the whole evening. Maybe they hit you with, "Fine, I'll just do it myself then," dripping in passive aggression.
The point is, they cannot let your no just be a no. They have to punish it somehow. Make you pay a little, so next time you'll think twice before saying it again.
Does that sound familiar? It should. Because if your no costs you peace every single time, you're not in a relationship. You're in a training program.
9 Throw a Compliment Their Way... at Someone Else
Try this one out. Next time you're with them, casually compliment somebody else. Could be a friend, a coworker, a stranger in the coffee shop who's wearing a great jacket. Doesn't matter who.
Watch their face.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatA non-narcissist will agree, or shrug, or just keep walking. No big deal, right? But a narcissist? Oh, they'll twitch. You'll see it.
Suddenly they've got something to say. "Yeah, but did you see what they did last week?" Or, "That jacket looks cheap to me." Or my personal favourite, the silent treatment that kicks in five minutes later for absolutely no stated reason.
Because here's the thing. Your admiration is theirs. You're not supposed to be handing it out to other people. That's their supply you're throwing around like confetti.
If they can't let you compliment another human being without souring the mood, sulking, or finding a way to tear that person down, you've got your answer.
A secure person celebrates with you. A narcissist competes with whoever you just praised.
Big difference, isn't it?
