When a boundary is set by you, it's a big thing. I don't want to downpay it like it doesn't matter, because everytime you assert yourself; it does matter.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, all I said was I needed an early night." Her partner acted like she'd filed for separation. Sound familiar to you?
The problem is when the narcissist replies with a sheer look of horror, and acts like you just asked for something as heavy as a divorce. This is the thing with boundaries where narcissists are involved; you say one thing, they take it an entirely different way.
I want to show you exactly what's going on in their heads when you say no.
1 When you say no, they hear your betrayal
I bet you're thinking, what betrayal? Most people won't see their boundary as a betrayal, but I am asking you here to think like a narcissist, and not like a normal person. A narcissist will see your word no as a problem, and that problem stems from you betraying them.
All those times you've said yes, oh dissolved your boundaries to please the narcissist, you've given them a reason to like you and be happy with you. Furthermore, you've offered them a reason to do it all over again next time, which is precisely what they'll do.
For this time though, you've said no. That word does act like a bad response for the narcissist. If they could say, "How dare you?!", they absolutely would.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "After everything I've done for you?" when she refused to lend him money. Everything he'd done. Can you imagine the nerve?
Why aren't you letting me get away with it any more? Why are you suddenly not giving me permission to control you and misbehave? These panicked thoughts will come out as:
Wow, so that's where we are now. Right, what's wrong with you today? Here we go. You're trying to stand your ground for what? Well, look at you with your stinky attitude. It'll be painted as a problem, because you're not the agreeable person you always have been.
2 You asked for a little space, they heard you threatening them
It's funny how that goes, isn't it? The second you speak up and advocate for yourself is exactly the same time a narcissist will punish you for daring to have a little autonomy. For the normal people out there, boundaries are like information.
We don't cross that moral line because it doesn't make that person happy. For a narcissist, telling them your boundary acts very much like you're holding them hostage. They feel trapped, only because you are setting them in their place rather than them moving you.
One client said the moment she told her husband she wanted a quiet bath, he stood outside the door asking, "So you don't want me near you anymore?" Wild, right?
I just want a little time to myself. I need to relax and decompress on my own. Panic. Fear. Rage. The audacity! How could you?
3 When you said, "Please don't," they heard, "You are a horrible person!"
It was a simple enough request, was it not? You didn't want to say too much, but please don't should've been enough. All the narcissist heard was, "My God, you are a horrible person and I never want to see you again!"
I know. They hear what they want to hear so they can cry and tell you that you're in the wrong. It won't matter how calm you are, after all, that's how you enter every single conversation with the narcissist.
The narcissist will interpret your words as an offence attack, and they won't let you live it down. They think:
This person is out to get me. They're calling me abusive.
A client of mine once said, "All I told him was I needed an early night." He spent three days telling everyone she'd accused him of being controlling. Three days!
They think I am a bad person. Well, you know what? If the shoe fits…
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House…Yes. You're the bad guy, and don't we all know it! The reality is, you haven't used those words at all. You said something much smaller, and much kinder. It was, however, still a boundary. And they will hate that.
4 Your boundary yells, "You don't get to have me any more!"
This is where the rage of a narcissist can start to be explained. Note I said explained and not justified, because no rage should be justified. To the narcissist, for so long, you were the person who had zero preferences.
You were just someone who provided the narcissist with a resource, without having an off switch. In other words, you were freely available to them whenever they wanted you, with no rules, regulations or limitations attached.
One client told me her ex actually said, "Since when do you have rules?" Like she was a vending machine that suddenly demanded coins. Can you imagine the entitlement?
When you set a single boundary, you'll notice exactly how that makes the narcissist feel. They will hate that you've turned your tap of availability off, and for a long while, they'll attempt to erode that boundary. That's when you ramp it up. You set more, and more.
It feels good to empower yourself this way, and as you refuse to let your barrier down for them, they will go insane feeling helpless and stuck in this pattern where now you have the control.
5 The narcissist hears, "You're so average."
It's crazy what a narcissist will convert your words or actions into, just to suit their own narrative. This time around, it'll be that you are seeing them as average.
Whereas before, when you would have bent the rules for them and dropped your boundaries, now you're unwilling to do a thing to change what you want and what you'll tolerate.
One client told me her ex actually said, "So I'm just like everyone else to you now?" Yes. That's exactly the point. And it absolutely destroyed him.
The narcissist hears, "You're just not that special to me any more, so you will have to comply with my rules like everybody else."
Normal? What is normal? Everything about the narcissist is better than everyone else, how dare you accuse them of being so average?
6 The public verdict has been heard…
Having boundaries means at times, you have to implement them in front of someone else. Imagine the narcissist asking you if you want another glass of wine at the party, and you already said you were only having one. They push and push, and before you may have caved.
This time around, you stand your ground, and have to resort to reminding the narcissist of your boundary in front of everybody there.
And isn't it always the way? The moment you hold firm in public, suddenly you're the villain of the evening, while they walk off muttering about how cruel you've become.
It won't go down well, but that's not your problem. You stated your limit, and you were being pushed into overstepping it. You humiliated me! No… you humiliated yourself. The sooner they realize that, the better.
7 It's as if you're screaming, "We are now at the beginning of the end!"
Oh right. I see where this is going. Do you?
The narcissist really does think your boundary signals the beginning of the end of your relationship, and that's because they've come to understand and learn that when the people they're dating start thinking for themselves, that usually does spell things working to an end. This wasn't in your plan.
A client of mine said the second she asked for one quiet evening a week, he hit her with, "So you're done with us then?" She just wanted a bath. Wild, isn't it?
All you wanted was to have a little bit of your own values being actioned. It's up to other people to either want to adhere to them or not, but you're being accused of wanting to end things.
That's not how it looks, and the narcissist, if they weren't a narcissist, would have known this. That's the thing with emotionally regulated people; they respect boundaries.
The wrong people in your life will have a problem when you start speaking up, and that's because you're telling them inadvertently: You can't get away with this any more. It's about time!
8 Your Boundary Sounds Like a Mirror They Don't Want to Look Into
Here's the thing about boundaries. When you say, "I'm not okay with being spoken to like that," the narcissist hears something they really don't want to hear.
They hear themselves.
For a split second, your words act like a mirror, and the reflection isn't pretty. It's a person who shouts. A person who belittles. A person who has been getting away with it for far too long.
And do they look at that reflection and think, "Wow, I really need to do better"?
Of course they don't.
Instead, they smash the mirror. They turn on you. "You're making me out to be some kind of monster." Sound familiar?
What you said wasn't even that harsh. You simply named a behaviour and said no more. But in naming it, you held up a truth they've spent years dodging.
That's why your boundary feels so mean to them. Not because it was cruel, but because it was accurate. And accuracy, for a narcissist, is the most threatening thing in the room.
9 They Hear, "I Don't Trust You Anymore"
And you know what? They're not entirely wrong about that.
When you set a boundary, what they actually hear is, "I've clocked you. I've seen enough. I don't trust you to handle me with care anymore, so I'm putting a fence up."
And boy, does that sting their ego. Because trust, to a narcissist, isn't something they earn through consistent behaviour. It's something they feel entitled to just for existing.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsSo when you calmly say, "I'm not going to share that with you," or, "I'd rather not talk about my finances," they don't hear a boundary. They hear an accusation.
"So you think I'm going to use it against you?"
Well… yeah. Because they have. Repeatedly.
But instead of sitting with that and going, "Hmm, maybe I should look at why she doesn't trust me," they flip it. Suddenly you're paranoid. You're cold. You're shutting them out for no reason.
The boundary itself becomes proof, in their eyes, that you're the problem. Convenient, isn't it?
