It's hard to believe that any narcissist has a fear when they act so perfectly in front of everybody, doesn't it? You look at them and think, "How can you get it so right all the time and never crack?"
I'll let you into a little secret…
…They do crack. You actually have the power and potential to be the narcissist's biggest fear, and that's executed by doing one thing, and one thing only.
I had a client say to me last month, "Alexander, I watched him for years and never saw a single crack." Then she found the one thing. And he crumbled.
Want to know what that is? Well, you've come to the right place. Today, you claim your life back.
1 Hold back on yelling as a reaction
Whenever you get into any conflict with a narcissist, they rely on your reaction. In fact, the louder and more audible you appear to them, the more satisfied they'll feel about it. I saw a comment once on one of my social media posts after another topic that read:
My husband seems to love it when I yell. He just pushes me to raise my voice and react, and then makes me the problem. Reading this, I just know it's narcissistic. She isn't wrong; it is narcissistic, and it won't stop all the while you're with them.
And here's the thing nobody tells you. Your silence isn't you giving up. It's you refusing to be the entertainment. That's a whole different energy, isn't it?
Narcissists are obsessed with pushing you to the limit, and when you snap back, it's you who's labelled crazy. So, I ask you, stop. It's literally the only way you get to end this pattern, and that control lies with you.
The reason you don't know that is because you've been programmed to believe you have no control, but it is all in your hands. When you stop handing them ammunition, the narcissist becomes unable to point the finger and blame you.
They fear that; imagine what it's like to know that you can't control someone else's moods when you live for being able to do so?
2 Surrender seeking revenge
Reactions can also come in the form of seeking revenge. I know it might not feel like it, but you are dealing with a person who sees every opportunity you have to give your energy to them, and they love it. Revenge is included in that. Why bother?
If you're giving them what you feel they deserve, you're going to immediately be labelled as the villain. Is that something you can honestly deem to be okay? What a narcissist needs instead, is no closure.
I had a client who spent six months planning the perfect takedown, and you know what happened? Nothing. She was exhausted, and he barely noticed because she was still orbiting him.
Walk away. Decide that you don't want to be a part of their life any more and walk away. Anything you do after that should be for you, and you only.
A narcissist certainly doesn't need you to line up a revenge plot against them, because they'll know deep down that you're still bothered and affected by them in some way. So cut it. Give it a clean break. Walk away.
Nothing will induce more fear, and nothing will drive them more insane than knowing you aren't looking back.
3 Stop begging for something as basic as respect
Sometimes, all a narcissist wants is to see you begging. You want them to notice you, speak to you, change how they're acting, give you anything that will ignite your relationship all over again. So you reach out, time and time again. Can we try again?
What can I do to make you want this? Tell me where I'm going wrong. Do you like the dinner I made? Will you come and sit with me for a little while?
Every single comment you make to the narcissist that resembles begging will be exactly what they love to hear. The narcissist will withhold it. What's the point in trying again?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseI had a client tell me once that she stopped asking her husband to come to bed at a reasonable hour. Within a week, he was the one chasing her around the house. Funny how that works, isn't it?
We clearly don't get on. You can't force me to love you the way you want me to. You're going wrong everywhere. You're so needy. The dinner wasn't spicy enough. I can't sit with you, I have stuff to get ready for work tomorrow.
Your comments will feed their ego, and their rejection of you will open you up for a disappointed reaction that will fuel them even more. You're saying, "I need you so badly," and they're grinning internally.
That power remains all the while your reactions stay this desperate, so take it all away. Stop asking. Stop looking for what you want.
4 Don't explain yourself again
The second you try to explain your actions to the narcissist is the moment you've lost. The narcissist will demand your explanations as they love to create a drama for you to walk into. They want to see you talk your way out of anything and everything. Why?
It puts you right in a position of owing them something you never even needed to owe them.
I had a client who used to write out long text messages defending herself, paragraphs of it. Then one day she just sent back, "No." That was it. He lost his mind.
It was never yours to hand over, yet there you are, offering any word that will keep the peace, when in reality, every word you speak is more fuel for them.
They will disagree in ways that make you then feel you need to say even more, and that cycle will continue and keep going until you stop it. Stop explaining. You don't owe the narcissist anything. When you stop explaining, you drive the narcissist wild.
They panic, knowing that their attempted guilt trips haven't worked, and that control is gone.
5 Immediately cut their supply
Have you ever thought about it? Have you ever done this? It's a strong way of not allowing the narcissist your reaction, that's for sure.
Cutting their supply can look like so many things, but ultimately, the supply a narcissist receives from you is your reactions and every single way you show them you're still triggered by them. The way you cry when they yell.
The way you keep calling them because they're late from work and haven't told you why.
One client told me she stopped reacting completely. Stone face. No tears, no questions, nothing. Within a week he was screaming, "Why are you being so cold?!" That's withdrawal, isn't it?
The fear on your face when you're at the party and the narcissist starts ignoring you on purpose. Leaving the toilet seat up and not flushing it after use, knowing it riles you.
Small and large ways to gain your supply are constantly reviewed by the narcissist, who is looking for daily ways to get under your skin and watch you react. Your pain is their fuel. I can't stress this enough.
If you want to be free from that, you have to see their supply as something you hold, that you're unwilling to give away.
6 Become unavailable to them
Unavailability is strictly forbidden when you're involved with a narcissist. It is not acceptable for you to be absent in any way. You must always answer your phone. You must always reply to a text.
You must always be there for them to yell at when they've had a bad day. You must always validate them. You must always defend them.
I had a client tell me her ex left forty-three voicemails in one afternoon, ranging from "Where are you?" to "You're dead to me." She didn't listen to a single one. Bliss, right?
It's weird to think that you have to be there and show up so presently for the narcissist, and even then, they're still not happy. They aren't satisfied that you've literally abandoned yourself in order to prioritize them, yet here you are, doing so.
You are no longer permitted to be their entertainment, and I want you to really be aware of that. You don't need the drama, and you aren't a punching bag. It's time instead, to be boring. Be interested in whatever they say.
Don't be angry about it or explain that's what you're doing. Just invoke their worst fears by disengaging entirely.
7 Stop Flinching When They Walk In
You know that little jolt? That tiny full body brace you do when you hear their car pull up, or their footsteps in the hallway, or the ping of their name on your phone?
They feed on that.
I'm serious. The flinch is currency to them. It tells them they still have a seat in your nervous system, and they pay the rent there for free.
So the work, and yes it is work, is to stop giving them that little involuntary gift. Breathe slower. Keep eating. Keep doing whatever it was you were doing before they walked into the room. Don't straighten up. Don't soften your tone. Don't scan their face for the weather report.
A client once told me, "I just kept buttering my toast. He hated it." And honestly? That's it. That's the whole thing.
The flinch is what makes them feel powerful. Take it away and they're just a person standing in a doorway, waiting for a reaction that isn't coming.
Watch what that does to them.
8 Quietly Build a Life They Can't Touch
There's something so satisfying about this one, and I'll tell you why.
While they're busy watching your every move, waiting for you to crumble, you're over here doing the quiet work. The unglamorous stuff. Saving a little money. Booking that course you always wanted to do. Reconnecting with the friend they pushed away.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatNo announcements. No social media posts. No, "look what I'm doing now!" Just steady, behind the scenes building.
And why does this terrify them? Because they can't sabotage what they don't know about. Their whole game relies on access. Access to your plans, your fears, your next move. Take that away, and they're swinging at thin air.
I always tell people, "Let them think you're standing still." Meanwhile, you're laying bricks they can't see.
One day they look up, and you've got a job, a place, a circle, a whole life that doesn't have their fingerprints on it. Nothing for them to twist. Nothing for them to claim credit for. Nothing for them to ruin.
That's not revenge. That's freedom.
