All I said was that I wanted a quiet evening. He went crazy on me. Sounds ridiculous, but if I told you I hear these things from your accounts, you'd hopefully realize just how plausible it is that narcissists get so mean the moment you decide to set a boundary.
There doesn't even have to be any raised voices; just you telling them what you will and won't tolerate.
One client told me she asked her partner to stop calling her during work meetings. His response? "Oh, so now your job matters more than me?" That's the script, isn't it?
Yet it feels like an act of war. A war that you didn't start. Why does the smallest of boundaries trigger the wildest of punishments? Let me walk you through the answer.
1 Your boundary tells them the spell is finally shattering
Narcissists do put you under spells when you first meet, and the illusion is that you're not under anything.
It's down to the fact that they're perfect in how they train you to have no edges, and that in turn makes you good at saying yes when all you want to do is say no. No, I will not tolerate that. No, I don't want to.
No, I don't think so. No, I can't make it. If only, right? I know that.
I had a client say her ex went pale when she said no to a Sunday lunch. Pale! Over a roast! That's how flimsy the spell really is, isn't it?
I know you absorb the peace-making behind saying yes, and you want to keep things in your favor by just doing whatever the narcissist needs in order to be pacified.
The trouble is, you get to a point where you don't even know what you prefer any more, because you aren't living for yourself.
The day you turn around and change all of that is the day you see the real person behind the one you've tried to please all this time. Actually no, I'd rather not. No apologies, no nothing.
Just you saying what your limits are, and waiting for the inevitable fall out. The narcissist will hear something truly terrifying in your tone, and that amounts to a real person being back in the room with them, with real opinions.
They can't play with you now, and as much as they want you to change your mind, your firm words are what causes them to panic.
2 You're a sudden stranger with these wild opinions
The reason I say that you're a sudden stranger is down to the fact that you've brought this entire new persona into the relationship; one that the narcissist isn't going to like. But guess what? When they did like you, it was because you didn't exist.
You were invisible, and you had no opinions that you were willing to share. After all, those opinions would cause nothing but trouble. Setting boundaries is all about understanding who is going to stick around once they're implemented. Somebody with boundaries won't tolerate the bullshit any more.
That's when the meanness starts.
I had a woman sit across from me and say, "He told me I used to be fun. I wasn't fun, I was quiet." That hit me. Quiet isn't a personality, it's a survival strategy.
Before, when the sweetness worked, you were able to be what they needed you to be. Now there are much worse tricks being laid out for you…
…The payback, the criticism, and the punishment will come thick and fast, and why? You're not what the narcissist likes now. You're this new threat to them that they could do without, but you're going to be treated as if you are a huge problem they have to solve.
I'll stop here and ask you how you feel, and if this seems familiar to you in your own situation. The reason I do this is because so many people deny they have tried with boundaries, or given up on them altogether.
You didn't like the narcissist mean, so you reverted back to the easier option. Now is the time to reconsider what that means for you.
3 Your boundary is being pushed as something more costly than it's actually worth
Picture the scene:
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou've said no to going to that party with the narcissist. For several days, they punished you.
Slammed doors, muttered snide remarks, gave you the full on silent treatment, and by the day of the party, you're thinking, "Was any of this even worth it, just to stay home and not go?"
If you have ever been in a similar situation, that thought you'll have had exactly what the narcissist was going for. All week, they dropped indications that they weren't happy with your choice, and now they've got to a point where it's worked.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, the no cost me more than the yes would have." And that's exactly the math the narcissist wants you doing. Right?
What they've done all week is teach your nervous system that boundaries are not okay, and come with a price tag attached to them.
You've dredged through the week with very little energy, because it's all been spent on wondering if you should just go for an easy life, even though it would mean surrendering your boundary. Surely it's better to just say yes and be done with it.
If that's what you want to do, then expect every other boundary you implement to have exactly the same outcome.
4 When you hold your boundary, it acts like a mirror to the narcissist
I don't want to stay out late tonight. You tell this to the narcissist as a boundary that you're unwilling to leave bed to the last minute, but all they hear is:
You have far too many late nights, and I don't want to be like you. You say:
I'd love to have Sundays to myself.
I had a client say no to a Sunday lunch once, and her mother fired back, "Oh, so spending time with family is a chore now?" That's the mirror in action.
The narcissist hears:
I don't like being around you all the time so back off and leave me alone. See that mirror? A narcissist will not accept your no for just being a no, and in their head your boundary is an accusation.
They will respond to you as if you directly did the accusation, and won't quit until you eventually drop whatever boundary it is and do what they ask you to do.
5 Narcissists perform for a jury that doesn't exist
The thing I want you to understand about a narcissist is that they spend each and every waking moment acting as if they live inside some kind of permanent courtroom. In their heads, they've got this little row of jury members watching them.
If you say no, and the narcissist steps away from punishing you, that jury is going to laugh at the narcissist and tell them how weak they are. So a scene is created. They have to prove to themselves that they're able to step up when it matters.
And the jury? It's nobody. Not a soul. They're performing for ghosts they invented, and you're getting punished so imaginary spectators can give them a standing ovation. Wild, isn't it?
I'm in charge! I do as I want! I get the final say! That's the narcissist bigging themselves up in their own weird little minds. The meanness that can come from them exists only because they have this dysregulated system going on that you don't know about and can't understand.
6 The bigger the punishment you receive, the smaller the boundary was
The craziest part of all, and exactly why the narcissist seems to be so mean! The boundary was simple. It was straightforward.
It was what other people wouldn't even have the slightest problem in respecting and adhering to, yet the narcissist is acting like you just dealt them a huge inconvenience.
I had a client whose narcissist screamed for forty minutes because she asked him to load the dishwasher. Forty minutes! Over a dishwasher. Tells you everything, doesn't it?
The reaction isn't measured at all, and you wonder how on earth you got to this point. All you did was ask them not to text your friend about the party, and to ask you instead.
The narcissist jumps off into the deep end, accusing you of accusing them of cheating. And all you did? You drew a line.
7 Your Calm Drives Them Up the Wall
Here's a fun fact about narcissists. They feed off your reaction. They want the tears, the shouting, the long emotional explanation about why you've set this boundary. That's their fuel.
So what happens when you don't give them any of that?
They lose it.
Your calm is the worst thing you can serve them, honestly. You say no, you don't over explain, you don't apologise eight times, you don't cry. You just… stay still.
And they push harder. "Why are you being so cold?" "What's wrong with you?" "You used to actually care."
Because in their mind, if you're calm, they've lost their grip. They can't poke you into proving their point. They can't spin your reaction into "see, you're the crazy one."
Your calm is basically a mirror, and they hate what they see in it.
The best part? The calmer you stay, the meaner they get, and the meaner they get, the more obvious it becomes to everybody around you who the actual problem is.
Isn't that a lovely little side effect?
8 They Suddenly Miss the Old You (Convenient, Isn't It?)
Oh, look at that. The second you hold a boundary, they're suddenly reminiscing about the "old you." You know, the version of you who said yes to everything and never made a fuss.
"I miss how we used to be. You've changed. You used to be so much fun."
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsTranslation? "I miss being able to walk all over you."
Isn't it funny how this nostalgia only ever shows up when you start saying no? They didn't miss you when you were exhausted, crying in the bathroom, bending yourself into a pretzel to keep them happy. No, they were perfectly content then.
But the moment you find your spine? Cue the sentimental speeches. Cue the old photos resurfacing. Cue, "Remember when we were happy?"
Yeah, I remember. You were happy. I was disappearing.
This is a manipulation tactic dressed up in soft lighting. They're trying to guilt you into shrinking again, into being the person who didn't ask for much, who didn't push back, who just absorbed.
Don't fall for it. The "old you" they miss was a you that was slowly being erased. And good riddance to that version.
