The words loyal and narcissist shouldn't go together, yet they do in a few instances. There are exactly six people the narcissist is loyal to, and I hate to say it, but none of them are you.
I know that stings, doesn't it? You gave everything you had, and yet somehow you never made the shortlist. And believe me, there is a shortlist.
It might be that you're begging and hoping for it to be, but the truth is, it was never going to be you, and I will get to that last.
If you want to know who those people are, you'll understand so much more about why narcissists behave the way they do.
1 Me, Myself and I
First up, we have the narcissist! Are you surprised? I'm not. I wrote them first because I think it's the most obvious of one of the loyal people a narcissist always has the back of, themselves.
I want you to allow that to fully land with you, because here's the thing. Every time the narcissist makes a choice, every lie they spew, every word of kindness they offer out, everything traces back to one person…
…Them. "I'm only telling you because I truly care about you." No, actually, you're only saying it because you care about your reputation.
I had a client once say her narcissist husband cried at her father's funeral louder than she did. Turns out he was performing for her aunt, who he wanted to impress. Sound familiar?
The narcissist's image matters more than any concern they pretend to have for someone else. "I took on extra work for us!" Again, no.
You took on extra work so you can tell everyone how hard you work, and how much you have people relying on you to bring the money home, like they're all helpless waiting for you by the front door with empty dinner plates.
They served themselves first, and then came home to roll their eyes and be tired in front of you so you waited on them hand and foot. They're loyal to themselves. They know their needs, and nothing stands in the way of them getting what they want.
There's a strategy to their game, and you're just a part of it. If only all victims could wake up to this sooner, then there wouldn't be half the healing needed in this world.
2 The image they've built (you know, the lie)
So let's get to another version of the narcissist, because that still counts as a person. This time, I want to talk about their image. The version the outside world sees is the version they have to be loyal to.
It's the person they rely on for likes, attention, affection, compliments, everything positive. Their image feeds their ego, and so their image itself has to be fuelled. This is how, and why they must remain loyal to it at all times. "Oh, you're so generous! You're hilarious!
You work so hard!"
One client of mine said her narcissist practised his laugh in the bathroom mirror before parties. His laugh! Can you imagine? That's the level of performance we're dealing with here.
"I love how you would do absolutely anything for your family." Who are these people talking to? The people who watch the narcissist and assume that the real person in front of them is the image that's reaching them.
Meanwhile, these are the same people who go home, throw you under a bus for smiling the wrong way, and are as rude as you can imagine anyone to be. They rewrite history, lie, cheat, and even steal.
Nobody else sees that, they just see what the narcissist wants them to see, and that is a hardworking image that is upheld every single day. The image has to be protected, because without it, the narcissist is exposing themselves.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThat's why they're loyal to building it up and polishing it every single day. Worrying, isn't it? I hate the thought of a performance being so rehearsed and worked toward.
3 Whoever is supplying them the most
Who have we got next? Their biggest form of supply!
When they're at that party and someone has all eyes on the narcissist, listening to every story and laughing along to every joke, that is going to be the person the narcissist is most loyal to out of anyone else there.
They've got everything they want, attention, admiration, a free audience and an opportunity to put on the act of their lives. This person will get the best version of the narcissist, while you? Well, you can go to hell.
You know the toxic side of them, so you're no use in a social situation like that.
A client of mine watched her narcissist husband hang on every word of a woman at a dinner party. She said, "I used to be her. Now I'm the coat rack."
This person may have been you once upon a time, but now that's worn off, the narcissist will be looking for someone new to make a fresh impression on.
You see, loyalty with a narcissist is pretty much, "I like you the best because you give me X,Y and Z." In this case, the attention they get is the attention they crave.
It's what's needed for their ego to remain nice and plump, and that's enough for them in return to give all their attention back to that person. "I will build you up even more because I know you're currently good for me." Isn't it just the weirdest thing?
Looking in on that dynamic from the outside, you'll probably feel nauseous because you'll know it would have been you a while back.
4 Their enablers
These are the people the narcissist never questions. There is a small circle of people the narcissist never experiences a push back from. There will undoubtedly be a parent who excuses all the narcissist's behavior.
There will also likely be a friend who laughs at all the wrong moments, and a brother or sister who shrugs and says, "It's just who they are."
These people are worth more than gold to the narcissist, trust me. They are fiercely protected and kept close because the narcissist knows how much they're worth when needed. See?
I had a client whose mother-in-law used to say, "Oh that's just how he's always been, don't take it personally." She said it like it was a weather report. Sound familiar?
A commodity. People aren't people, they are essentials, or pieces in the narcissist's game. When you started noticing things and connecting the dots with them, that's when you fell out of their enabler gang. You're a threat now, nothing more, nothing less.
You know things about the narcissist that you will never be able to erase. You've seen things, heard things the narcissist knows you won't forget. That's why you can never be let back into the fold.
5 The People Who Boost Their Ego (For Now)
You know the ones. The new coworker who laughed at their joke a little too hard. The neighbour who told them the driveway looked amazing. The person at the gym who asked for advice on their form.
These people? Absolute gold to a narcissist. For now.
The narcissist will be loyal to them for as long as the compliments keep coming. As long as the admiration is fresh and the person hasn't figured them out yet, they're basically royalty in the narcissist's world.
But watch what happens the second that person stops praising. Or worse, dares to disagree. Suddenly they're "fake" or "jealous" or "not who I thought they were."
Isn't it funny how quickly the loyalty evaporates?
Because it was never loyalty. It was a transaction. The narcissist gave attention and warmth in exchange for ego fuel, and the moment the fuel runs dry, so does their interest.
I've watched clients realise this and just sit there, quiet, going, "Oh. That's what I was too."
Yeah. That's exactly what you were.
6 Anyone Who Fears Them Enough To Stay Quiet
Fear works. That's the ugly truth of it, and the narcissist knows this better than anyone.
If you're scared of them, if you've learned to shrink, tiptoe, keep your mouth shut when they walk in the room… congratulations, you've made the list. Not because they respect you. Not because they care. But because your silence keeps their little kingdom standing.
Think about who stays quiet around them. The sibling who watched them scream at your mom and said nothing. The coworker who saw the outburst and just kind of shuffled papers. The friend who knows exactly what they're like and still says, "Oh, that's just how they are."
The narcissist is fiercely loyal to those people. They'll defend them, praise them, even do them favors. Why? Because those people are a wall. A wall between the narcissist and consequences.
And that's all loyalty ever means to them. Usefulness. Protection. Silence.
If you ever stopped being quiet? You'd find out real quick where you actually stood.
And finally, let's talk about you
Meeting a narcissist means you go through the motions of feeling as though you've never loved anyone as much as you've loved them. You are open about it, too. When they acted up and treated you impossibly, you were that patient person soothing them and saying, "It's okay.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsLet it out of your system. I'm here for you."
None of that behavior deserved an excuse, yet you gave them time after time.
I had a client say to me, "I stayed up nights wondering what I did wrong." Nothing. She did nothing wrong. Loyalty was never on the table to begin with.
Yet you still didn't make this list, why is that? It's not that you weren't enough, or that you did something terribly wrong. Narcissists aren't loyal to those who actually love them, they just offer it to people who want to protect them in a single moment.
Your love asks them to be vulnerable and accountable, but they dip away from those things through fear and ego. That's why you'll never receive loyalty back, no matter how long you wait for it, wish for it, or try to dream it into life.
