A narcissist loves the thrill of the chase. Moreso, they adore it when you give yourself up to chase them and show them how much you love, want, forgive, or need them in your life. So what happens one day when it stops?
I had a client describe this moment as the air going still. No fight, no pleading, just her turning inward. And the narcissist? They sensed it within days. Doesn't that say everything?
There's no drama, just you going quiet and shifting your attention back to yourself. There are several things a narcissist will do the moment they realize you're no longer chasing them. Here they are, just for you.
1 The sudden crisis
Never has the narcissist had a single crisis since you've known them, but you can bet your bottom dollar they will the week you decide to stop texting or chase them in any other way. My car broke down. I hurt my back.
I haven't been paid and I need a loan. I need a lift to the hospital.
I had a client whose ex called her at 2am claiming chest pains. She drove over, sat with him for hours, and by morning he was fine. Strange, isn't it?
Whatever may trigger a sympathetic response from you will be right on their list of games to next play. Nine times out of a ten, a victim will react to this in a way where they'll start the chase again. As soon as that happens, the crisis dies down.
Everything goes back to normal, and they have you right where they want you. Coincidence? Don't think for a second that this is the case.
2 A random memory crops up, and so do they
I hear this from you so much of the time.
It's funny isn't it, how the moment you decide to no longer chase the narcissist, they decide they're going to find all these cute, fun, loving memories of you in their mind and relay them to you, as if they were fishing? Out of the blue, you'll get:
I was just driving past that spot we used to sit and watch the stars together. I just ate at the place where we had your 30th birthday. It brought back some fun memories. Oh, the heartstrings.
I can feel them all being pulled as I type, but let's look at the harsh reality instead.
One client of mine got, "Heard our song on the radio today." That was it. No question, no apology, no how are you. Just bait dressed up as nostalgia.
Look at the text again. There's no follow up. No real meaning or question. It just acts as this little flare they light in the sky, hoping you'll catch sight of it and come and save them. Save them from what?!
This is nothing but a test, so please do not get reeled in. Understanding the red flags will save you.
3 The game goes public
This is where the narcissist digs out their most clever game moves. Social media gets lit up by the narcissist posing with someone new, or with a group of friends looking happier than ever.
They're on a rooftop bar sipping cocktails, living their best life, and looking incredibly chilled and at peace.
I had a client message me a screenshot of her ex posing with three new friends at brunch, captioned 'blessed.' She laughed and said, 'He hates brunch.' Says it all, doesn't it?
They're showing the world that they're unbothered that you decided to leave and no longer chase them. They're sending the message of, "I'm here, I love my life, I don't care about my past."
But… They're bothered. They're bothered a lot. This is a level of performance that you will only see when a narcissist is making up for a loss they've experienced to prove to the world that they're better than anyone who has wronged them.
See also The Creepy Things Narcissists Do When They Are Alone4 The cruel dig becomes imminent
With nothing having worked thus far to get you back or to get you to respond to them, the narcissist will bring out the metaphorical knife. I always knew you never cared. I hope you find the kind of crazy person you're evidently wanting to spend your life with.
Honestly, I feel relieved that you're no longer sniffing around me.
A client of mine got hit with, "Good luck finding anyone who'll put up with you." She read it, laughed, and made coffee. That's the response that kills them.
It can get nasty, but I want to give out polite examples. A person who is relieved doesn't make a big deal of being relieved. They just want to get on with their life without so much as a second thought.
The texts are meant to be a way for the narcissist to chase you all over again through a panic that they're leaving you. Don't buy it.
5 The smear campaign begins
Why should the narcissist feel anything but contempt for you when you stop chasing them? Soon enough, they'll be telling their friends about you, or the people they work with. She's hard work. She's never satisfied. No matter what I do, she never makes me feel good enough.
Those comments will come thick and fast, and they will land on exactly the people they're supposed to land on for full and maximum effect.
I had a client whose ex told half her workplace she was unstable. She walked into the breakroom one morning and everyone went quiet. Recognise that feeling?
The narcissist does this for punishment; they want you to feel bad for your decision to no longer chase them, even if you haven't consciously made that choice.
To not feel or be wanted is a huge trigger for any narcissist as it reveals their innermost tragic thoughts about themselves, and those thoughts are real beliefs:
I'm not good enough. People leave me. I hate myself. To project that away from themselves the narcissist will set up a smear campaign to make themselves the victim. Any sympathy they gain from it soothes these negative thoughts and beliefs.
6 They try to win you back
A narcissist has to be careful if they choose to try to win you back. They don't want to seem desperate, but at the same time, they are. Maybe your leaving was unexpected, and they've nobody else lined up to take your place.
If so, they'll be wanting to keep you for as long as they can, so expert the following:
Apologies. They won't do it again, they didn't mean it, they didn't realize they were being hurtful. Promises. They'll go to therapy, they will admit mistakes, they will be more honest with you, they'll marry you. Gestures of grandiosity.
I had one client whose ex sent her a Cartier bracelet two days after she left. The card said, "For my queen." Three weeks earlier he'd called her worthless. Tell me that's love.
Expensive meals, flowers and gifts. A weekend away for two to that city you always wanted to visit. A new car. All the things you usually lack or have voiced that you'd love will come flooding through. Winning you back isn't about you; it's about winning.
As these three things lessen, you'll start missing them before long, and that's when the chase starts again. The narcissist is lining you up, nothing more, nothing less. Just remember:
They're never genuine.
7 They go public with someone new
Going public with someone new is a typical way for a narcissist to behave the moment they realize you're no longer chasing them. All narcissists want is a constant stream of supply, so finding someone new should never be perceived as rejection to you in any way.
Simply put; if you're not giving them what they need, then they will look elsewhere. This is the biggest indication of all that you're not who they consider to be your partner for reasons of love, but rather you're a commodity; someone the narcissist can gain from in some way.
I had a client come to me devastated because her ex posted holiday photos with someone new four days after she left. Four days! That isn't love, that's a job vacancy being filled.
When you take yourself away from the equation, you're also taking your tears, your attention, your begging, your reactions, your insecurities and your lack of self-esteem with you. The narcissist feeds off all of that, and has done since they met you. When you go, they've nothing to fuel from.
Somebody else is the perfect anecdote to that.
8 The silent treatment, but make it dramatic
Oh, the silent treatment. Of course it's coming. But this isn't your average silence, this is performance art.
They don't just go quiet. They want you to NOTICE they've gone quiet. They'll post sad song lyrics. They'll go offline for three days then pop back up with a moody black and white photo. They'll be seen at the gym for the first time in two years.
Do you see what they're doing? They're hoping you'll panic. They're hoping you'll send the, "Hey, are you okay?" text so they can finally have you on the hook again.
I've had clients tell me, "Alexander, I genuinely thought something terrible had happened to them." And I get it. The drama is convincing. That's the whole point.
But here's the thing. A person who is actually struggling doesn't advertise it like a trailer for a movie. They don't curate it. They just go through it.
So when you see the dramatic silence, recognize it for what it is. A trap with a sad soundtrack.
9 They test the waters with a 'casual' message
You know the one. The "Hey, stranger" text. Or the "Saw this and thought of you" with a random meme attached. Or my personal favourite, "Hope you're doing well x."
Innocent, right? Nope.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThis is the narcissist dipping a toe in the water to see if you'll still bite. They've clocked that you're not chasing them, and the silent treatment didn't pull you back, so now they're trying a softer approach. Casual. Breezy. Like nothing ever happened.
And that's the giveaway, isn't it? A normal person doesn't reach out months later with a meme. A normal person says, "I've been thinking about how things ended and I want to apologise properly."
The narcissist? They want a reaction. Any reaction. A reply, a thumbs up, a "lol," anything that tells them the door is still slightly open.
My advice? Leave them on read. Or don't open it at all. Because the second you reply with even a single word, they've got what they came for, and the whole cycle starts up again.
Don't hand them the matches.
