I want you to sit with something strong for a little while, and I fully understand that it's going to hit you like a freight train:
The narcissist that you live with is not afraid of losing you. You might spend your days alongside them crying, being unhappy, and you've even threatened to leave.
I had a client tell me she'd threatened to leave so many times, her partner started laughing when she said it. "Off you go then," he'd say, knowing full well she wouldn't.
Your bag has gone from packed, to unpacked, and you feel like you're living in this limbo. You haven't left, and they aren't bothered.
In fact, the only thing that would bother the narcissist, really put the fear into losing you, is the one thing I want to talk about today.
1 Tears won't do it
It's painful for me as a professional and a human being to think of anybody crying in front of their spouse and getting zero response. Not just once, but repeated times. You've cried on the bathroom floor, in the car, on the couch, even on a walk together.
Each time the narcissist watches you like they're watching the weather on TV. There's a mild interest, but you're treated as more of an inconvenience than anything else. What's wrong this time? Why are you doing this again?
I had a client sob her heart out in front of him for two hours straight. His response? He picked up his phone and started scrolling. Sound familiar?
They shake their head at you, but they're not scared. For them, seeing you so upset means you're still somewhat invested in the relationship, and if you're upset then you've got something to be upset over.
Trying to get through to him with your emotions, letting them out for the narcissist to see? That's holding onto something. Why would they fear you leaving if you're still showing this strong sign?
A narcissist won't look at your tears as a pain they can fix by treating you better or actually showing they love you rather than just saying it once a week. You're never going to get what you want from this dynamic, whether you stay another week, year, or decade.
2 And don't think threats will, either!
I can't do this any more. I'm going to leave. I want a divorce. I've had enough. I'm done. The narcissist will hear every single word, and the energy behind it. The problem is, you're not going.
I had a client who said the words 'I want a divorce' probably fifty times over three years. Her narcissist husband would smirk and say, 'Sure you do, sweetheart.' He knew.
You aren't packing your bags. You aren't following through with any of your words. Those words instead will be labelled, "Yeah, they're just having a moment of emotion. They'll calm down soon."
Soon enough, you're at the dinner table an hour later, because that's how it always goes. Your threats like this can end up being the narcissist's laugh for the day, you know. Words, as you've learned, don't matter unless there is a suitable follow through afterward.
It's no different to the narcissist saying they love you and never doing anything to express that love to you. Only you hold on to hope that one day they will, while the narcissist knows you will never leave.
3 Your bag in the hallway won't make them even flinch
Finally, you got to a point where you've packed your bag, only it's been left in the hallway for three days now, and you've not even touched it.
That alone will simmer down any potential for you to walk out the door, and the narcissist isn't even flinching as they walk past it. By the third evening, you picked it up and carried it back to your room.
You're unpacking it and returning everything inside back to their rightful places.
I had a client leave her suitcase by the front door for a whole week. He stepped over it every morning, never said a word. He knew she wouldn't go. Sound familiar?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe bag isn't going to scare the narcissist. They don't fear you moving your stuff from one part of the house to another, only for them to return eventually.
This big gesture of you wanting to leave was only put right when you decided that you weren't going anywhere, and that acts as a return ticket to the relationship for the narcissist. They didn't even have to say or do a single thing to make it happen.
4 Even your therapist makes no difference
Reluctantly, the narcissist attended therapy, claiming to be healed after three sessions. I've learned so much! I think I feel so much better. We can work toward a happier future now. Throughout the sessions, the narcissist was charming, they may even have cried at one point.
They don't fear losing you all the while they know they're complying with something you asked of them.
I had a client tell me her ex sobbed in session three, then rolled his eyes in the car park. She said, "He literally wiped the tears off like sweat." That was the moment she knew.
Yes, those therapy sessions were booked by you, paid for by you; all the narcissist had to do was attend. For them, they just ticked off something you had on your list that they could fulfill. The fear of losing you is no longer there. Thank goodness!
Is it that easy? No. The fear of losing you will still remain, and here's where the fun begins…
5 What does do it is this…
What happens when you go totally quiet? I don't mean you run off into the other room sulking and refusing to talk to the narcissist, I mean what happens when you just decide you're no longer going to:
Run around after the narcissist. Cry when they upset you in front of them. Beg them for attention. Stop arguing because you know how much it drains you. Stop explaining yourself to them when they're nothing but intent on misunderstanding you.
You still make them a coffee, but you refuse to deliver it with this solid smile and pretend everything's okay.
I had a client tell me her narcissist husband actually asked, "Why are you being so weird?" She just shrugged. He couldn't handle it. He was rattled within days.
You don't slam doors, you just answer their questions within a few words and leave the room. The quiet becomes so loud for the narcissist. They've never heard you be so cool, so calm, so collected before.
For the narcissist, they're used to that chaos and conflict, which is exactly where they thrive. Seeing you in pain, or chasing them is where they're happiest. Without that, there's no supply, no spark of drama, and nothing to fuel from. This is the point where fear becomes prevalent.
Fear really makes an appearance, and as much as the narcissist tries to push it down, it doesn't make a difference.
6 But why does your silence specifically put fear into the narcissist?
Your silence is so powerful because it tells the narcissist you're no longer willing to respond to their game. Moreso, you don't need it.
When you're quiet, you've pulled that in, and now the narcissist has their hand out waiting for the next time you get upset, but that never happens.
I had a client tell me her narcissist ex actually said, "Say something, anything, just yell at me." That's the panic. Silence starves them of the reaction they need to feel powerful.
You can see the panic in their eyes as you hold your ground. It's a fear because the narcissist doesn't want to lose you, only because of how much you gave them, and not because they love you. You go silent?
Their world turns upside down, for all the wrong reasons.
7 What the narcissist does next
Love-bombing is coming your way. Expect flowers, a weekend away, even an apology that could almost pass as being real. You know it's fake, and is a pure reaction to the fear they feel inside of them.
They play their tricks on you, hoping you'll fall for it all over again and be back under their control.
I had a client whose ex sent a whole spa weekend booking within 48 hours of her going quiet. She almost went, too. Almost. Can you imagine falling for that again?
Make sure that doesn't work. Keep the fear alive. Keep the narcissist realizing that they're losing you in real time.
8 The moment they realize you actually meant it
There's a specific moment, and I've seen it play out with clients over and over. It's not when you say you're leaving. It's not even when you actually leave. It's the moment after, when the narcissist tests the line one more time, expecting the usual bounce back, and gets nothing.
They send the message. No reply. They try the guilt trip, "After everything I did for you?" Still nothing. They circle round with a soft one, "I just want to talk." Silence.
That silence? It hits them like cold water.
Because up until that point, they were still playing the same game they've always played, and it had always worked. Suddenly, the rules aren't the rules anymore.
You meant it.
And you know what's interesting? They almost can't believe it. There's this pause, this weird stillness in them, where the whole strategy stops working and they don't know what to reach for next.
That's the moment. That's when the fear actually lands. Not before. Right there.
9 How long before they come crawling back?
Honestly? It depends on how well you're holding your line.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsIf you've gone completely no contact, if you've cut every thread, if you've stopped checking their socials and blocked the mutual friend who keeps "accidentally" mentioning them, expect the crawl back to start anywhere between two weeks and six months.
Yes, really. That wide a window.
Some come sniffing back within days because they panic. They didn't think you had it in you. Others take months because they're trying to make you sweat, waiting for you to break first. And when you don't? That's when the "Hey, I was just thinking about you..." text lands.
I've had clients tell me theirs came back after two years. Two years! Popped up like nothing had happened, asking how they were.
The thing is, the timing doesn't really matter. What matters is you knowing it's coming. Because if you're expecting it, you can't be blindsided by it. And if you can't be blindsided, you can't be pulled back in.
That's the whole game, isn't it?
