I understand what it's like to wait for an apology from the narcissist. It's more than a word; it's an action, and narcissists never usually follow through with what's right.
While you're waiting for not just the word 'sorry' but the remorse behind it, the narcissist will give you one of these things instead.
I've lost count of how many clients have said to me, "I just want them to say sorry and mean it." And every time, my heart sinks a little. Because I know.
Each one has the ability to break your heart. Do you mean that little to them? You wish you didn't, but the truth is, you always did. Here are all the things you'll get from a narcissist instead of a real apology.
1 The ultimate sigh
It feels very dramatic, doesn't it? Experiencing a narcissist sighing makes you think, "Wow, what troubles and traumas have you survived today that you are evidently exhaling with such vigor?"
As cringeworthy as it is, the answer is nothing. Partly why the narcissist lets out such an obvious sigh is because you've asked for some kind of apology that they're unwilling to party ways with.
In this context, the narcissist wants you to know that their sigh is the actual apology. I know.
I had a client describe her ex's sigh as sounding like he'd just been asked to donate a kidney. All because she wanted a simple sorry. Recognise that?
It's even ridiculous to write, but their sigh is supposed to do all the work, without any of the words to back it up. The way they sit down heavily next to you and exhale like they've just carried a polar bear up ten flights of stairs is laughable.
This isn't a person who is sorry, it's a person who wants you to feel sorry for them. This isn't a moment where you feel bad and tell them it's okay. They messed up, they need to own it.
2 That sudden, unexpected cup of tea
Oh look, as if by some stroke of magic, the narcissist suddenly cares enough to make you your favorite mug of three mint tea. They carry it over to you like they're in some kind of pompous ceremony carrying the magna carta, or the crown jewels.
This is totally out of the ordinary, and as they set it down in front of you, they give you this caring, slightly goofy smile, like they really care and want you to notice. There are no words.
I had one client whose ex did this with a bacon sandwich after screaming at her the night before. She stared at it and thought, so this is what sorry looks like now?
There's just tea. What is that? That is an apology. They know they messed up, but they don't want to talk about it or show any accountability, and so a cup of tea will do. The real question is, will it really do?
3 A tender joke delivered at your expense
Oh, the jokes. For me, this is one of the lowest ways for a narcissist to avoid an apology, because it acts as another insult to you. You're parking the car, and the narcissist jabs you in your side.
"You're so funny when you try to park, you never get it straight into the driveway."
You recently had a fight where yet again, the narcissist was in the wrong. This is their apology.
I had a client whose husband spilled wine all over her new dress, then laughed and said, "Well, red was never your color anyway." That was her apology. Can you imagine?
They think they're being cute, but all they end up doing is making you the butt of another one of their jokes. They want their little joke to be the bridge back to your heart, when in fact it's a door closing on open communication that's actually healthy.
This is a classic narcissistic move. There's no real care about how what they did affected you, this is simply about wanting to move on with no real direction as to where you're both next headed. It's not fair, and leaves everything unsaid that should be spoken.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseDon't settle for it.
4 A childhood story
Are you pulling up a chair ready to hear the latest story coming from the narcissist about how terrible their childhood was? You want to hear about the time their mother or father didn't come to their school play and it was a trauma for them?
You note the seriousness in their eyes, and they take a deep breath. You've heard it before, but it seems to be their default whenever you're asking for an apology.
It's as if they think what they're giving you is that, but in reality, they're spewing off again about a past you weren't there to even witness.
I had a client tell me her ex would launch into the same story about his dad every single time she asked for accountability. Word for word. Same pause. Same watery eyes. Rehearsed.
I know it's going to make the narcissist sound vulnerable and reflective, but it's a creepy way to get out of saying sorry to you. They're after you feeling sorry for them, and nothing else. This is why I do what I do.
No, this is the excuse as to why you do what you do. If you want to change, you can do that. This is why so many people end up saying sorry to their narcissist, rather than hear it back.
5 An out of the blue compliment
Wow, you look amazing today. You blush. "Thank you," you reply. Suddenly wait, what were you waiting for an apology about? You can't remember, because it doesn't matter now.
A client told me hers came in holding flowers, beaming, going, "That dress looks incredible on you." She'd been crying about him forgetting her birthday. Flowers won. Apology never came.
The olive branch is the compliment, yet the apology remains absent. When you later seek that same apology, the narcissist frowns. Can't you just take a compliment when you hear it instead of dragging up the past? And there it is: your fault yet again.
The apology was never there, it was never in the compliment. The compliment was the distraction.
6 A plan for having some fun
Hey, why don't we get away this weekend? Shall we go for sushi tonight? My friend at work has this boat, why don't we ask to use it for a week? You jump for joy at the prospect of a little fun with the narcissist.
You see it as a chance to connect and let loose for a little while, and you can't wait.
I had a client tell me she came home from a weekend away and realised she still hadn't heard the word sorry. The trip was the apology. Except it wasn't, was it?
What you're missing is the entire point as to why they're asking you to do these things. The narcissist wants you to forget about what it is they need to say sorry for.
They're hoping that by the end of your sushi date, you've pushed your request for an apology to the back of your mind, but that only works if you allow it. For them, that's how they see being able to control you.
The question is, is that what you will allow?
7 Silence that begins and ends right where it's supposed to
The cruellest of them all, but you will fall victim to the silent treatment. There's no apology, but there's also no real attack coming from the narcissist. If you're looking for an apology, they're looking for any way to get out of it.
If they go silent, they know that eventually you're going to be wanting to make it right so you can not walk on those eggshells any more.
I had a client who waited eleven days for her husband to speak to her. When he finally did, it was, "You ready to be normal again?" Not a word about what he'd done.
By the time they 'come around,' you'll be so relieved you'll forget their wrongdoing and be glad to just be moving on. I don't think you need me to tell you how manipulative this is, yet you'd be surprised how often this is successfully executed in the narcissist/victim dynamics.
Don't let it be you. If you're owed an apology, call for it until you get it. If you can't, then yes, question why you're even waiting.
8 A gift that comes with strings you can't see
Oh, you thought that little bunch of flowers was for you? That's sweet.
Here's the thing. The narcissist knows they've messed up. They know an apology is on the table. But instead of using their words like a fully grown adult, they hand you a gift. A necklace. A bottle of wine. Something bigger, maybe. A weekend away.
And you, being the kind person you are, want to accept it. You want to believe it's a peace offering.
It's not.
Weeks later, guess what gets thrown in your face? "After everything I did for you? I bought you that necklace and this is how you treat me?"
Ah. There it is. The gift was never a gift. It was a receipt they were keeping in their back pocket, ready to cash in the moment you dared to bring up what they actually did wrong.
Real apologies don't come wrapped. They come with eye contact, and words, and a bit of humility. Something narcissists just cannot manage.
9 The half-hearted 'I guess I could've handled that better'
Read that again. "I guess I could've handled that better."
I guess? Could've? Better?
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsNot one part of that sentence takes ownership. It's a shrug wrapped in vague language, and it's designed to sound like accountability without actually being it.
Here's what they're really saying. "I'm going to throw you a crumb so you stop bringing this up." That's it. That's the whole message.
And notice, there's no mention of what they actually did. What did they handle badly? The screaming? The three days of silent treatment? The thing they said in front of your sister? Nope. It all stays fuzzy on purpose, because if they got specific, they'd have to actually own something.
I've watched clients accept this one over and over, and then wonder why the same thing happens again three weeks later. Well, of course it does. Nothing was named. Nothing was acknowledged. Nothing changed.
A real apology sounds like, "I did this specific thing, and I'm sorry." Not, "I guess, maybe, sort of, in some universe, could've, kinda."
You know the difference. Trust that.
