You pick up your phone, and text. You wait. An hour goes by, then half the day. Next thing you know, you're going to bed with an anxious mind because the narcissist has read your message, but not replied to it. Now?
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, I checked my phone so many times I genuinely thought I was losing it." And you know what? She wasn't. That was the point.
You panic. What did you do wrong? Was it a word you used? You overthink, re-read and try to make sense of something that you just can't understand. The silence speaks volumes, and the control certainly isn't with you.
I want to explore that deeper, because it's a common issue that isn't about them being busy, it's about something far more specific.
1. Deciding Whether Or Not To Reply
Hmmm. Now I have this text, do I reply? If I do, I'm handing the control back to the person who texted me. If I hold back, then I get to retain it for myself. Choices, choices.
Get over yourself. A narcissist still does this, sadly, and it all boils down to weighing up if it's worth it at all.
I had a client show me her phone once. Three days of silence, then finally, "Sorry babe, mad busy." That was it. No question about her, nothing. Just enough crumb to keep her hooked.
Are you needing an urgent reply? What's in it for them if they reply? Will replying to you make you think you're important to them? How much anxiety can they extract from you if you refuse that response?
Your message is going to turn into a delayed reaction, and when you sense that voice, they know they have you right where they want you.
Only with time do people learn their lessons, and on this occasion, perhaps understand that they're only refusing your reply because they feel it's a successful power move.
2. Enjoying How Uncomfortable You Are
It's not the kind of thought I'm sure you want to have, but I have to be honest with you, and sometimes that's going to feel painful.
A narcissist knows that when they don't text you back, they're making you, as a person who really cares about them, feel a certain way. And no, not a positive way. Doubt. Anxiety. The urge to follow up with more texts to them.
The mental loop that keeps you running circles in your head. Overthinking. Questioning what you wrote and if it was perhaps taken the wrong way.
It's all relevant, and it's all going to sit nicely with the narcissist, who knows the game they're playing and the cost at which they're doing it. We're back to power again.
I had a client check her phone forty times in an hour, waiting. He was on his couch, scrolling, laughing about it. She told me later she could feel him enjoying it. She wasn't wrong.
Imagine texting somebody who knows what ignoring you feels like for you, yet doing it anyway. What sort of low life, total loser would do that?
Ah, yes. It makes sense now. The narcissist! They aren't narcissists for no reason!
3. Prioritizing Somebody Else's Text
You think their phone is quiet, but I'm here to gently remind you that this is not the case. It's not what you want to hear, but the truth is where you can set yourself free in a way.
They're not busy and unable to respond, they've just got better people to reply to or communicate with. So while you're waiting, they're online chatting to somebody else. I could say who it might be, but the main thing is they feel that person gets priority over you.
I had a woman tell me she once watched her partner laugh at his phone for twenty minutes, then put it down and ignore her text from that morning. Sound familiar?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseBehind your back, this is the type of behavior that's typical of a narcissist. They can't help themselves and are not in the slightest bit concerned that you're waiting. I'd say never double text and chase harder, that's what they want.
It's a great way for them to feel like they're in demand, and the more you show your interest in them, the more they see you as nothing but an option. You're worth more than being an option, let me assure you.
4. Drafting A Message They Know They Won't Send
Just because a narcissist isn't replying to you, doesn't mean they're not thinking about it. Whatever it was you wrote, their aim will be to respond in a way that is so casual.
They don't want to give away too much, nor do they want to seem like they're impressed with whatever it was you said to them. They will try to carve out the perfect reply, and that may take several drafts in order to get it just right.
I had a client show me a text that read, 'Hey, been crazy busy, what's up?' She'd waited four days for that. Four days for six words. Can you imagine?
Delete, try again but this time with less enthusiasm, start again, delete that, too. It's not about giving you what you want, it's about giving you what the narcissist feels you deserve.
It's a quiet craft, but they don't want it to look like they gave their text to you another thought. So the tone becomes engineered. Even when you're not in their physical company, the narcissist still feels the need to perform. It's almost boring.
5. Doing Nothing, And Loving It
They've kicked back, beer or coffee in hand, and they couldn't care any less that you've texted them. In fact, they feel this deep sense of satisfaction knowing they hold the conversational power. You've messaged, and they know you're out there somewhere waiting for them to text back.
The longer the narcissist leaves it, the more they match that silent treatment you've become used to when you're physically around them. It's deliberate. They will do anything else, even if it means running errands or catching up on housework.
I had a client tell me her ex literally bragged about it later. "I saw your messages, I just didn't feel like replying." Said it like he'd won something. Imagine.
They may even take a nap. How does that make you feel? Probably hurt, annoyed, and wondering what you did wrong. You didn't do a thing, this is just one thing they do when they aren't interested in firing a response to you because they like to keep you hanging.
Let them. You don't have to dance to the beat of their drum in the way you think you do.
6. Comparing Your Text To Attention From Someone Else
It's all transactional to the narcissist, but this is just another way of proving just the kind of toxic toerag you're dealing with. I can't avoid the truly unpleasant things, and this right here is evidence of that.
Your message has every potential to carry a kind of familiar comfort to the narcissist, but that's not what they're looking for.
I had a woman tell me she watched her partner's face light up at someone else's name while her own message sat unread. "You're always there," he shrugged. Ouch, right?
They want something exciting, thrilling, cheeky, or even just engaging to them. You are reliable, and you're always there, but on this occasion; you can wait. The problem is that many do wait, and that's how the narcissist exploits you even more.
7. Preparing The Guilt Trip
When you don't double-text, you're telling the narcissist that you'll wait on them to reply to you when it suits them. What this can sometimes do to the narcissist is become the cursor for an opportunity to guilt you. Why did you send that text so late?
You were just so keen, it was too much for me. It was annoying, and if I can be honest, difficult for me to understand.
One client of mine got, "You really need to think about how clingy you're coming across as." She had sent two texts in a week. Two! Can you believe the audacity?
You had already checked in with me that day, so I just didn't feel the need to repeat myself. Their delay was exactly why they wanted to guilt you. The space they gave themselves was a very toxic power move, and one that is meant to make you feel terrible.
I advise you next time to watch out for this. Their tricks are repetitive!
8. Watching You Type, Then Stop, Then Type Again
You know that little "typing…" bubble? Yeah, they're watching it like it's the season finale of their favorite show.
You start typing. You stop. You start again. You delete the whole thing and try a softer version. Then you delete that too.
And the narcissist is sitting there, phone in hand, loving every single second of it.
Why? Because your hesitation is proof to them that you care. It's proof you're rattled. It's proof they still have a grip on your nervous system, even from the other side of a screen.
I've had clients tell me, "I sat there for forty minutes trying to word one message." Forty minutes! For someone who probably won't even reply with more than "k."
And here's the kicker. They will bring it up later. "I saw you typing for ages. What were you going to say?" Said with that little smirk you can practically hear through the phone.
That's not curiosity. That's a scoreboard. And they're keeping count.
9. Showing Your Message To Someone Else
Oh, this one stings. Your message, the one you carefully wrote and rewrote about three times before hitting send, is now being read out loud to somebody else.
Maybe it's the new supply. Maybe it's a friend they want to impress. Maybe it's a family member who already thinks you're "too much."
Either way, your words are being passed around like a piece of gossip at a school cafeteria.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatAnd what do they say while showing it? Something like, "Look how desperate they're being," or, "Can you believe they're still messaging me?"
It doesn't matter that you wrote one sentence asking about the dog. In the narcissist's hands, your message becomes evidence. Proof that you're the unstable one, the obsessed one, the one who can't move on.
Meanwhile, they're the calm victim being pestered. Right?
Here's the truth though. A person who genuinely doesn't care doesn't need an audience to read your text with. They just close the app and get on with their day.
The fact that they're showing it to anyone tells you everything.
