While you're still there, waiting to see if things between you and the narcissist will improve, you're living in this limbo that feels like you're not together, but you know officially you are. There was a shift though, and it happened long ago.
Trying to explain it makes you sound crazy, yet here it is…
…The narcissist hasn't left you, yet they treat you like you're this thorn in their side rather than their partner. I want to talk about that today, for all those who can relate.
I had a client tell me once, "He still sleeps next to me, but I haven't felt like his partner in three years." That sentence broke something in me.
1 You wonder if it's even a relationship
If you're still in a relationship with a narcissist, ask yourself this:
When was the last time they treated you like an actual partner, and not a commodity? It's a difficult question to honestly answer, because you'd have to admit what's going on in your relationship dynamics for you to really be able to let it out. I'll help you.
If you can't remember, that says a lot about it in a nutshell.
I had a client say to me, "He calls me his girlfriend to his friends, but at home I feel like a housekeeper he occasionally hugs." That's it, exactly.
Narcissists are brilliant at keeping the structure of any relationship in place if they're trying to hollow it out from the inside. Essentially, they want nothing, and no part of it, but they do need you.
They need your supply, and for you to show up when it suits them, and no other time really.
If you're struggling to even remember the last time you felt like you were in an actual relationship with this person, I feel your pain, but at the same time, that should tell you everything you need to know.
You may be labelled as their partner, but there will be nothing to warrant that if the narcissist doesn't prove their love to you in any other way.
2 Your effort took you right back to square one
It's like magic, isn't it? That first time you meet the narcissist and see them for this beautiful, helpful, caring, charming person. You think back to all those times they surprised you, or made plans and even asked how your day at work was, while seemingly meaning it.
That's the person you fell in love with, and not because of all the surprises, but because of the love that came laced into them. That's the kind of love you were always hoping to find, and suddenly it was there right before you. I'm happy if you're happy.
All I want is to see you smile. I'd do anything for you. You're so important to me, never forget that. Now? You don't even get a welcoming grunt as you walk through the door, and you can't recall the last time you went for dinner together.
It's you who has to plan everything, and you take care of the errands, appointments and birthdays while the narcissist does nothing. This isn't a partnership, it's them keeping you for the sake of everything you do for them.
There's no acknowledgement that you're helpful or attentive; they just love that you do it all. All that effort you put in hurts your feelings.
You do it because you thought you were happy together, and because that's what partners do for each other, but that has to come with compromise, right? At one point or another, your partner also has to pick up the slack and show you that they're still in this.
This is where narcissists fall short every single time. They hate having to do their part, and see anything you ask as a major inconvenience to them. The more they kick up a stink the more you say, "It's fine, I'll do it myself."
And that's exactly what they wanted all along. The sighing, the eye rolling, the muttering under their breath, it's all designed to train you into asking for nothing.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
3 Feelings? Don't be so inconvenient!
When you're in a relationship, a strong part of that boils down to sharing and having emotions that the other person is willing to listen to, support you, and be a part of. Wouldn't it be nice if all relationships were like that?
They aren't if you're with a narcissist, that's for sure. You say:
I don't feel like we spend a lot of time with each other any more. The narcissist says:
Oh my God. You're always complaining about something. What more do you want from me? Well, perhaps to feel like you mean something to them, right?
It's a shame it doesn't work that way, and even when you're technically still together, it can feel as though you're riding the relationship alone. Any feeling you have doesn't land on them like they're willing to understand you.
It's all an attack, and those attacks just make the narcissist angry with you.
And the anger is the whole point. They train you to associate opening up with getting punished, so eventually you stop opening up altogether. Job done, in their eyes.
Soon enough, you just shrink your problems like they don't matter at all. You learn to shrink yourself, which is something that pains you, yet you feel is necessary for the peace of your relationship.
You shouldn't be keeping the peace at all, you should be compromising and being there for each other, but it just doesn't go that way with them. You're with somebody who stopped caring because that was their entire plan.
This has nothing to do with you or anything you did wrong.
4 You're only around because you're still of use to them
I know it's not going to be what you want to hear, but the truth always helps more than more lies coming at you. You've had enough of those to last a lifetime. The narcissist is only with you because to them, you're still of good use.
I don't know personally what that means for you, but it can include things like:
You're stable for them, and they love to be associated with you because it makes them look stable, too. Your money. They love that you have it, and they use and abuse it as much as they use and abuse you. Having someone to blame.
All narcisists will project and will love to be able to point their fingers at you when they need to. It's handy you being there. Hacing someone to come home to.
The narcissist will appreciate a dinner made for them, a person to complain to and attack if they've had a bad day, and to distract them from how much they truly hate themselves. Maybe you provide one of those things, maybe all apply to your situation.
Just know that this isn't what a relaiotnship looks like. In fact, it's just a role you've been assigned without realizing it. You're playing thinking this is a relaitnship, but actually, you're just there for major convenience.
And convenience is the coldest word to describe what you thought was love. You're not a partner in their eyes. You're a function. A useful appliance they haven't unplugged yet.
5 Talking with you? Forget it! It's more at you
When you've gotten used to being spoken at and not to, it means you're in a very one-sided relationship. You want to be happy and in love, they want to be in charge of everything and tell you what's what.
This can also include how they talk on a normal day to you. Telling you how they feel, how their day was, what they want to do on the weekend, what they want for dinner. Me, me, me. That's all you'll hear.
Watch what happens the moment you want to talk about yourself, and how you're feeling. Their eyes will glaze over, they will check their phone, maybe even sigh or roll their eyes.
And if you push it, out comes the classic, "Can we not do this right now? I've had a long day." Every day is a long day, apparently.
Is this how someone should treat their partner? I'll leave that for you to decide…
6 Intimacy? What Intimacy?
Intimacy has quietly left the building. And I don't just mean the physical stuff, though yes, that goes too. I mean the small, warm things that make you feel like somebody actually sees you. The hand on the small of your back as they walk past.
The look across the room at a party that says, I'm glad I came here with you. Gone.
What replaces it is something colder. A peck on the cheek that feels administrative. Sex that feels like a transaction, or worse, like you're being tolerated. Or nothing at all, weeks of nothing, and if you bring it up, you get, "You're always making everything about that."
The strange part is they still expect you to be affectionate to them. They want the cuddle on the sofa when they've had a bad day. They want you to reach for their hand in public so it looks like a real couple. It flows one direction.
You give, they receive, and when you finally stop giving, suddenly you're "cold" and "distant."
Funny how that works.
7 The Silent Treatment That Never Really Ends
You know that thing where you say good morning and get nothing back? Not a grunt, not a nod, not even a flicker of eye contact. And then five minutes later they're on the phone laughing with a colleague like the sweetest person alive.
That's not a mood. That's a message.
See also Do These 3 Things And The Narcissist Will Suddenly Respect And Fear YouThe silent treatment with a narcissist doesn't come in bursts anymore. It becomes the whole climate of the house. You ask what's for dinner and get a shrug. You mention something about your day and it lands in dead air.
You start to feel like a ghost in your own kitchen.
And here's what nobody warns you about. The silence doesn't lift. It just changes shape. Sometimes it's cold. Sometimes it's polite. Sometimes it comes with a fake smile in front of the in laws.
But underneath, the wall is still there, brick by brick, and you're the only one who can feel it.
You're not being ignored for a night. You're being erased slowly, and told to call it a relationship.
