I don't know a single narcissist who respects people. I mean, they're amazing at pretending, but that's the whole book of a narcissist, isn't it?
A client said to me last week, "Alexander, I've spent ten years earning his respect, and I've got nothing to show for it." Ten years. Can you imagine?
"We pretend, and we do it well."
Enough trying to earn their respect the normal way; all you'll get is more of the same disrespect in return.
If you want them to reverse that and actually fear you on top of it, then lean into what you're about to read, because I have three things that will immediately do that.
Sorry, what? They fear you?
I know, crazy, right? I am talking about the people who act as if nothing in this world would scare them, let alone so obviously.
I want you to be the first to know that yes, you can put fear in any narcissist, and actually, what that means is you threaten their control over you. The moment you stop being predictable, the narcissist feels this uneasy stirring going on in the stomach.
I had a client message me and say, "Alexander, he actually looked nervous when I didn't flinch." That was the moment she knew everything had shifted. Isn't that something?
It may not be the same kind of fear you've felt around them all this time, but you are injecting a very cold and calculated kind of coldness inside of them, and that sheer unease will knock them sideways.
I don't know if I can manage them in the same way anymore. Right there, when the narcissist starts thinking like this you've got them right where you want them. It's the same with the respect you're commanding of them, and we'll get into that right now.
First up, you stop explaining yourself
So here we go, learning all about those three things that make the narcissist suddenly respect and fear you. I start firm and strong with not explaining yourself.
I want you to think about all the times you've said, "Please, if I could just explain." "I just want to tell you why I feel this way."
Each time you do that, you give this kind of gift to the narcissist that tells them, "I still need you to approve of what I'm saying." The reason a narcissist loves that feeling is the power it gives them, and the impression they leave on you.
It says, "I'm in charge, and you're below me."
When you stop explaining, you'll immediately notice a change. The narcissist will push you. Why are you acting like this? What's your problem? Cat got your tongue? You say nothing, or keep it as simple as possible:
Nothing. I'm fine. All good here, thanks. Again, the narcissist will push:
You're acting weird.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "You're being childish, just talk to me." She smiled and sipped her coffee. He left the room shaking. Silence did that.
What is it with you? I don't get it. You shrug and offer nothing in return. Why should you? All this time, you gave and gave and gave, and for what? The silence that you instead offer will be deafening for the narcissist, who is anticipating your usual reactions.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey get nothing. Now, all of a sudden, they don't know how to take you. You've become unpredictable, and that's hard to try to deal with when you're in charge. You got it… They're rattled. I know, it's that simple, but it works.
It's so effective that you will put the fear into them right away, and you haven't even really had to do anything. In fact, you do less than you did before.
You start to mean what you say
"If this happens again, I will be leaving."
You know, I can tell you that victims say this more than you think they do, but only a tiny fraction mean what they say and follow through with their word.
The problem lies where the narcissist knows your patterns, and they know you're speaking words that mean nothing; they're empty. In other words, they get filed under:
Never going to happen. There's a shift when you speak, and mean what you say. You only have to say it once, and then the next time it happens, you show whoever is on the receiving end that you mean business.
There's a fear around that for the narcissist, who knows every life is their last with you, and one foot out of place will result in you walking away and not coming back. You say you need space, or that you're not going to that event with them.
They know they can't talk you around, persuade you, or threaten you back if you don't go back on your word.
I had a client who told her ex, one time, that she was done. He laughed. Two days later, she was gone. He's still calling her friends asking what happened.
The thing with you is, there's no drama. You're quiet about it, and that's fine with you. You're simply living your life the way you want to, by standards you should've always held. You're feared. You're in some ways respected, but the narcissist will never admit that.
You're a different version of the person you were when the narcissist could control you, and that's a huge change to have to witness for them. Just like that, and yes, that suddenly, you become in charge. It feels good.
Many victims attest it to being addictively empowering, which I think is a pretty accurate way to view keeping to your word and living by your own boundaries, not theirs.
You stop needing the narcissist's version of events
When you go through something, and the narcissist comes to you to tell you their own story about what happened, how many times have you agreed with them just for peace? Maybe you agreed because they were so convincing you actually thought what they're saying was the true account.
For a long time this can happen, and before you know it, the narcissist's version of events is something you need. You don't trust yourself or the things you remember. You feel as though your memory has gone, or that you seem to be missing key points.
Neither of which is happening to you, you're just becoming more dependent on the toxic lies the narcissist has to tell. The moment you stop second-guessing and allowing the narcissist to feed on your doubt, you take your life under your own control. I know what happened.
I recall different events. I don't need your version when I have my own. In other words: I refuse to be gaslighted any more.
There is a definite shift in the air when you can get to that point, because you're beginning to teach yourself that you trust your memory and recollections.
I had a client tell me she started keeping a little notebook of things as they happened. When he tried to rewrite one afternoon, she just read it back. He went quiet.
The verdict from the person who is intent on causing you harm is no longer needed. When you stop doubting yourself, the narcissist doubts their power over you. They may try harder to shake. You've changed. You're being cold. I don't know you right now. That's a good thing!
And it's a good thing that you've changed, too. It means you're becoming your own person, rather than a dependent extension of the narcissist. Let them sit with the fact that you're not going to jump when they say how high any more.
The fear they feel will come from knowing that your mind isn't for molding any more. You've got your mind intact, and you intend on using it to remember the past in the way it played out, not in the way the narcissist wants you to remember.
So What Happens Next?
So you've done the three things. You stopped explaining yourself. You stopped reacting. You stopped needing their version of events to make sense of your own.
Now what?
Well, here's the interesting part. The narcissist notices. Oh, they notice alright. And their first move isn't going to be respect or fear, not straight away. Their first move is to test you.
Expect a little poke. A random text. A "we need to talk." Maybe a sudden burst of niceness, or a burst of nastiness, depending on which one they think will crack you open again.
And your job? Do nothing different. Keep being exactly who you have become.
Because what happens next is quiet, and it happens over time. They start to tread more carefully. Their tone shifts. The digs get smaller, or they stop altogether. You'll feel it before you can name it.
That's the shift. That's when the dynamic actually changes. And no, they'll never say it out loud, but you'll know.
The Quiet Power You Didn't Know You Had
You know what I love about this whole thing? You didn't have to become somebody else to get here. You didn't have to grow horns, or turn into some cold, hardened version of yourself. You just had to stop giving pieces of you away.
That's it.
That's the quiet power. It was in you the whole time, hiding under all the apologizing, the explaining, the second guessing. Every time you shrank yourself to keep the peace, you were sitting on it without even knowing.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsAnd now? You're using it. Without shouting. Without a big speech. Without needing them to admit anything.
Isn't it wild that the thing that makes them respect and fear you the most is the thing they spent so long trying to bury?
Your calm. Your boundaries. Your ability to walk away mid sentence if you need to.
I have clients tell me, "Alexander, I didn't do anything dramatic. I just stopped." And I smile every time, because that's exactly the point. Stopping was the whole move.
Quiet. But loud enough for them to hear.
