As much as it may come as a shock to you, narcissists feel things deeply, even though they're mistaken as robots by pretty much everyone.
And I mean truly ugly. The stuff that would make your skin crawl if you heard them say it out loud. Which, spoiler, you never will.
Before you assume I mean they feel good things, I want to tell you that what I'm discussing is actually pretty ugly. These dark secrets narcissists never speak of and instead take to their grave affect you, so paying attention would be a good thing right now.
1 The narcissist's shame consumes them
There's no guilt with a narcissist. If there was, you'd be asking them to show real emotion and reflect on all the poor ways they treated you. You'd also be asking for a healthy dose of self-reflection that just cannot and will not happen.
A client once told me her ex would rather have a full blown meltdown in the kitchen than say the words, "I was wrong." Shame won't let them. It never does.
Guilt points to, "I hurt you." Shame directs more toward, "I'm someone really bad." That's where you'll find the narcissist, and they will make sure they bury themselves under so many layers of their performance.
The narcissist wants to spend all their time looking perfect, and like nothing could possibly touch them, but that's more to do with shame control; they want to manage it and hide it behind the facade, rather than admit it's there at all.
I'm here to remind you that this doesn't make the abuse okay. It should tell you everything about why the narcissist can never stop, though.
2 They fear being normal
When a narcissist is in a room full of people, they will only love it if everyone's attention is pointing their way.
The fact that they thrive so much on love and admiration means if they land in a room with people who aren't giving them that craved second glance, the narcissist will feel like they're in real trouble.
These people don't want to be forgettable, they want to be remembered in all the best, most impressive of ways.
Being just another person in the room is a problem only they have, and that's because their ego needs validation from everyone else in order to feel like they're as important as they want to be.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, "He'd come home from a party where everyone loved him and still snap at me for not clapping loud enough." Nothing fills that hole.
Will they admit to this? Absolutely not! Yet the thought of not being special gives them nightmares. The weirdest part of all is that no matter how much attention they get, it's really never enough.
They could drain every person dry and still go home feeling unsatisfied, but they will take that secret to the grave with them before they tell you.
3 Envy eats them up every single day
Oof; don't we all know it?! A narcissist is jealous of everyone who is doing better than they are.
If you're doing well, you're going to be on their hitlist for sure, and that can mean ignoring you, treating you even more disrespectfully, even spreading lies about how you earned your success.
If you have something the narcissist doesn't have, then you're showing both them and the rest of the world that they really 'don't have it all.'
Sure, they will congratulate in public, but behind the scenes they're plotting a plan to ruin the person's reputation so that their success and happiness is short-lived. And it eats them up; I'm not kidding.
I had a client tell me once, her narcissistic sister actually cried when she got promoted. Not happy tears. Angry ones. Then didn't speak to her for three months. Wild, right?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIt entirely encompasses them to the point where they think of nothing else. Then they try to talk that person out of succeeding:
I think you're setting yourself up for a fall. I wonder how much you can handle, with other life stresses. Anything to get that person to sit down and stop doing well. They don't call it 'chipping away at you' for nothing.
4 They secretly think that person will never love them
I know it seems so dark, but it's true. Imagine how lonely it must feel deep down to know that one person is never going to be able to love you.
It's not that nobody can love them, but there will always be a person for the narcissist who is just unreachable.
There's bravado and love-bombing, and maybe the whole, "Nobody got me like you did." These things work most of the time, but in the life of a narcissist, there will be someone who that just doesn't work on, and that's usually the person they really want it to work on.
I had a client tell me her narcissistic husband would stare at her while she slept. Not in a loving way. In a way that said, "When are you going to leave me?" Chilling, right?
At times, it can even be that they do see the facade, and the narcissist is terrified that one day, they will figure them out and lose them altogether.
As it stands, they push and push those people to prove their love until they're so exhausted, they can't think straight to see the truth. They know that day is near, and they do all they can to avoid being caught out.
That's a secret they'll never be able to speak aloud.
5 Your triggers are their kryptonite
It's dark alright, I mean, if people knew this were the case, they'd be able to sense the danger of the narcissist and run for their lives. This doesn't happen.
Instead, a narcissist will see your triggers; whatever scares you or gets you worked up or remembering a trauma you went through, and they'll do all they can to ignite that trigger as often as possible while remaining innocent to it. I had no idea. I didn't realize.
You know I'd never hurt you.
A client told me her ex would casually bring up her dad, who passed when she was twelve, right before every argument. Then act baffled when she cried. Coincidence? Please.
I didn't mean to. That's all lies; the narcissist loves to see you scared and react to their tricks. It proves they can pull those cards out whenever they want and hurt you when you're least anticipating it. What kind of sick person does this? You guessed it.
Don't expect them to ever own up to being so sick minded, but don't believe they aren't just because you never hear of it.
6 You aren't the only one who suffered because of them
How heavy did this one land? It hurts, I know. You were one of many who came before you, and who will arrive after you leave.
I had a woman tell me she found an old photo of the narcissist with an ex, and it hit her. Same haircut. Same smile. Same tired eyes. Different name.
There's nothing special about you, or what you provide the narcissist. They just know they can use and abuse you, and for them, that's enough. Picking out certain people who display the right traits is second nature to the narcissist.
You all have qualities in common they look for, and those all allow them to be exactly the toxic person they truly are without compromise.
7 They cheated far more than you'll ever know
The one that's hardest to deny; the narcissist cheats, and they cheat on you like there's no tomorrow. While they want your loyalty, they're running around town flirting, cheating, messaging anyone they feel like.
From that ex on social media, to the strangers on the dating site you know nothing about; the narcissist knows what they're doing, and won't stop. For them, the more supply the better. For you?
I had a client find three dating apps on his phone, all active, all with different names. When she confronted him? "Those aren't mine, someone must've downloaded them as a joke." Sound familiar?
You are on the receiving end of it all. The narcissist's dark secrets never just stop at one singular secret. There is a dark, twisted set of secrets that act as a web to catch you and make you fall for their lies and charm.
They're dark, and you won't ever hear them tell a soul. That's because they want to keep their abuse the biggest secret of all.
8 They Know They're Not Actually That Special
Deep down? They know.
They know the confidence is a costume. They know the swagger is rehearsed. They know that person in the mirror, the one who has to hype themselves up before every social event, isn't the golden god they've been selling to the world.
And it eats them alive.
Every time they brag, every time they name drop, every time they exaggerate a story to make themselves the hero, there's a tiny voice in their head going, "You know that's not really true, right?"
They'll never admit it. Not to you, not to a therapist, not even fully to themselves in the quiet moments. Because admitting it means the whole house of cards comes down.
So they double down instead. Louder stories, bigger claims, more people to impress. It's exhausting to watch, isn't it? And it must be even more exhausting to live.
That gnawing feeling that they're actually pretty ordinary? That's the secret they'll defend until their last breath. Because to a narcissist, ordinary feels like death.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists9 The Loneliness They'll Never Admit To
Have you ever seen a narcissist sit quietly on their own? I mean really sit with themselves, no phone, no audience, no supply to feed off? It doesn't happen often, does it?
There's a reason for that.
Underneath all the noise and the constant need to be around people, the narcissist is desperately lonely. And I mean the kind of lonely that aches.
They can be in a room full of people who "love" them and still feel completely disconnected, because they know none of it is real. They built it. They staged it. They can't enjoy something they had to manipulate into existence.
Clients tell me all the time, "I caught them crying once and they wouldn't say why." That's it. That's the crack in the mask. That moment where the loneliness leaked out before they could catch it.
But will they ever say the words, "I feel alone"? Not a chance. Admitting that would mean admitting they're human, and that terrifies them more than the loneliness itself.
