Narcissistic abuse can leave victims silently holding onto struggles, not wanting to share them or even admit to them to anyone else.
You already know how you're going to sound if you do speak up, and that's the thing with shame; it will take what you went through and turn it into everything that's wrong with you.
I hear it all the time. People whisper things to me they've never told anyone else, and their first line is almost always, "You'll probably think I'm crazy, but..." No. I won't. I promise.
That's what the narcissist hopes for. If you're a survivor, you'll be quietly dealing with these things, but you are not alone, trust me.
1 Rehearsing conversations that never happened
If you regularly play out conversations in your head that you either want to happen, or may happen, or did happen but not in the way you want to play them back; this one's for you.
This is often a time narcissistic abuse survivors find the perfect words; the perfect comeback for that moment you were caught up in with the narcissist. You wanted to say this to them at the time, but you needed space and hindsight to help you find that clarity.
You don't get to rewrite my memory.
I had a client whisper to me, "I've had the same argument with him in my head for three years, and he doesn't even know." That's the loneliest part, isn't it?
I was there, I know. Speaking to me like that isn't going to change my mind. All great when you're thinking about them the next day, then you catch yourself feeling ridiculous that you're even still thinking about it.
You know it's out of your control now, and you're stuck in this unresolved loop that you're too ashamed to speak of.
2 You say sorry all the time
This is constant, and I'm sure you don't need me to fully tell you that. Survivors of abuse are always made to feel small, and so even taking up just a little space is enough for them to want to continuously say they're sorry.
Someone walks into you, and you say sorry because you don't want them to be mad at you. Everything feels as though it's your fault, so the best thing you think to do is just to make it as good as possible.
I had a client apologize to me for arriving two minutes early. Two minutes! That's how deep it runs. Sorry becomes a reflex, like blinking. You don't even hear yourself say it anymore.
This is what years of being blamed for everything does to a person. It creates this fear within them that they're never going to be right, or get it right.
It's as if they are their own worst enemy, and if they could just sidestep everyone and not be visible, that would be the best thing for everyone. Is it though?
Or is this just something you're ashamed of doing because it's been so heavily ingrained into you to do so?
3 You question your own memory
All survivors of abuse question their own memory, and it does make a person feel ashamed. Right as you're sweeping the kitchen floor, a memory surfaces, and you feel that specific feeling you felt back when it happened, only something is different about what you remember.
You doubt what you're thinking, wondering if you thought wrong, or are leaning into an unreliable flashback from the past.
A client said to me the other week, "I remember him screaming at me over spilled coffee, but now I'm not sure if it was coffee or tea." That's the imprint talking.
Even when a relationship ends, the narcissist's gaslighting imprint will remain in you for a little while, and nobody tells you about this. Nobody says it'll happen, so even without them around, you're still doubting yourself and wondering if what you're thinking is anywhere close to being real.
That's not just you thinking. This is like it for so many survivors.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House4 When someone is nice to you, you brace for impact
Wait, someone is being nice to you for the sake of being nice? No. That simply cannot be possible. Surely there has to be a logical answer, like, I don't know, the calm before the storm?
New people do make survivors feel anxious, and that's because they don't know what to expect.
A client told me she flinched when a coworker offered her a coffee. Just a coffee! She kept waiting for the string attached, the favor she'd owe later. Sound familiar?
They don't know yet who they're dealing with, and they wait for their warmth to fade, just as the narcissist's did. I love you. I just want to take care of you. It all came, and it all seemed so real.
Now you're looking at genuinely nice people as having the same traits, and bringing the same risks with them.
5 Whenever you're angry, you feel guilty
You don't have to be angry at a narcissist to be angry about them. This feeling crops up right in the middle of a normal, bright day. Suddenly, you feel it rise like boiling lava inside of you.
You refuse to let it out because you were told so many times:
You've got issues. What is wrong with you? Why can't you just chill for a little while? Here we go again.
A client said to me last week, "I got angry that someone cut me off in traffic, and I burst into tears apologising to the empty car." That's what they do to you.
Why are you always so angry? The lies they convinced you were true surrounding your anger are still living inside you, making you feel like you are the problem. It was never you, but here you are, policing it as if you have some kind of control over it.
In time, you will. For now, you live with that shame. Just know:
This shame does not belong to you. It belongs to them.
6 You worry and worry about money
You're bound to worry about money when you've had it denied to you for years of your narcissistic relationship. Narcissists are very good at:
Convincing you to quit your job and stay at home to look after the house or kids, meaning you don't get your own independent source of income. Telling you that you spend too much, when you barely spend for the essentials. Telling you how expensive everything is becoming.
I had a client who saved coins in a tin behind the washing machine for two years. Two years! Just so she'd have something that was hers. Does that break your heart or what?
Reminding you how lucky you are to be with someone who is earning a good amount of money. Telling you that you'll never be able to afford to live alone.
In truth, the narcissist is actually very irresponsible with their money, and they will overspend far more than you'll ever know.
You will worry about money and a lot of that will be through the fear of not having enough, or spending too much and having none left at the end of it.
7 You still find it hard to make friends
Trusting people, making friends, learning to be yourself around people are all problematic factors for survivors of narcissistic abuse. The daily struggle will be real when you start to question innocent people's intentions, or wonder how to appear as natural.
I had a client tell me she stood in a coffee shop for ten minutes, rehearsing how to say hi to a woman she liked. She left without saying a word. Sound familiar?
Your self-esteem (or lack thereof) will lead you to believe that you aren't worthy of friends at all, and so you will tend to wander alone, or with very few connections.
People will assume you to be weird or rude, and you'll be too ashamed to tell them the truth about why you're so guarded.
8 You dread peace
Peace was always the prequel to the countless wars you endured under the control of the narcissist. Surviving them took everything you had, but one by one, you did. As a result, you now find peace to be somewhat disturbing.
A client told me she'd sit on the sofa in total silence and her chest would still be pounding. Waiting. Just waiting. That's what he trained into her.
You await for the next rage, the next insult, the next door slamming. In time, that will lessen, but I don't think any survivor of narcissistic abuse fully knows how to stop thinking the quiet is safe.
The more you practise it, the better chance you have of overcoming feeling peace to be akin to danger.
9 You Flinch at Your Own Reflection
You catch your face in a shop window, and something in you tightens. Not because of how you look, but because of who's looking back.
Does that make sense? I hope so, because I hear it all the time.
Survivors tell me they can't hold their own gaze in the mirror for more than a second or two. There's guilt in there. Shame. A weird sense of, "How did I let it get that bad?" And then the follow up, "How did I not see it sooner?"
You're not just looking at a face. You're looking at every version of yourself the narcissist criticized. The one they said was ugly when you cried. The one they mocked in that dress. The one they told was ageing badly, or getting fat, or looking tired.
Their voice got in. And now it plays every time you brush your teeth.
You're not vain for avoiding the mirror. You're healing. And one day soon you'll look up and see you again, not them.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists10 That Weird Thing You Do With Compliments
Someone says, "You look nice today," and you what? You brush it off. "Oh, this old thing." Or you laugh awkwardly. Or you deflect with a compliment back, quick, before they can look at you too long.
And later, alone, you replay it. Did they mean it? Were they being sarcastic? Were they setting you up?
Because compliments used to come with a hook, didn't they? "You look nice today," followed three hours later by, "Shame you can't make an effort like that more often." Or, "I'm the only one who actually notices you."
So now, kind words feel like a trap. Even from your best friend. Even from your mum.
And the shame of it is real, because you know how it looks. People think you're fishing, or being falsely modest, or difficult to be nice to. You're not. You just genuinely don't know what to do with warmth that doesn't come with a price tag attached.
You'll learn. It takes practice. Receiving a compliment is a skill you were robbed of, and you can get it back.
