Seeing through the narcissist is fairly easy to do, you just need to know how to do it. This isn't a skill you can reverse. Once you know how, there's no going back.
Looking out for these different things a narcissist starts to do can mean you start seeing right through them, and the person behind it. The shift that occurs with this?
I had a client say to me last month, "Alexander, it's like a switch flipped and I can't unsee any of it." That's exactly it. Once you see, you see.
Well, everything changes, let me tell you. They're only doing these things differently to prevent any further damage. The truth is, the damage was there the moment they entered your life. Let's go.
1 The narcissist getting nicer… watch out
No narcissist ever becomes 'nice' just like that. Instead, there's always a motive. There's always something they want, and so the charm and niceness hits max. They become attentive:
"How was your day? You look nice today. Here, let me help you with that. Oh, you're so funny and cute."
I had a client tell me her ex suddenly started making her coffee every morning after years of nothing. Two weeks later he asked to put the house in his name. Coincidence? Please.
"I've been thinking about us a lot lately, and I want us to do better together." Oh really? The trick in the book here is that the narcissist is lining you up for something, and I hate to admit it, but it's never going to end well for you.
If the narcissist senses that something has changed, yes, in comes the luring of you back in again. They want to be able to gain control of a feeling they sense has shifted.
It's nothing but a panic response, but this is usually the case when you start seeing through them. It means you've opened your eyes, and the narcissist wants to do their best to distract you all over again. The question is:
Will you allow it?
2 Questioning your reality all over again
First up, we have the narcissist questioning your reality all over again. There's nothing quite like a fresh bout of gaslighting as far as they're concerned. It worked with you for all these years, so they think, "Why not give it another shot, what else do I have to lose?"
The comments fly through thick and fast:
"You've been off lately, what is it with you? I feel like you're starting to imagine things happening that aren't happening. I'm worried about you. I think you've stumbled on an issue that doesn't exist."
There it goes, over and over. You are clear, and that is a gigantic problem the narcissist wants to try to fix. The only way they can do that effectively is by trying to get you to think incorrectly, or change what your memory of something is in some way.
I had a client whose ex actually said, "Have you thought about seeing someone? You're not yourself." She was more herself than she'd been in years. Sound familiar?
They want to reframe you. If they succeed, the narcissist will have made you emotionally unstable, and that's far from helping you, isn't it? The very doubt they're planting in your mind helps them form whatever they want you to form.
Don't believe any of it, that's all I can advise. The more they act like they have your best interests at heart, the less of an interest they have in your wellbeing altogether. I can't tell you how dangerous gaslighting is.
Things have the potential to get very dark when you abandon yourself completely in favor of whatever the narcissist is manipulating you to feel or think. When you start opening up to who they really are, they will want you to think you're imagining that, too.
That's where your heels must dig in the ground. You do not accept their offer to change what's real.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 The people around you will be their biggest play
See how quickly the narcissist can get calculated, and you'll see a narcissist who realizes you see through them. In a way, they start to act differently when it comes to people you know, and who you have around you.
This means, for example, you're going to have a friend who will suddenly be approached by the narcissist:
"I don't know. Something seems different. I'm worried about them. Have they talked to you about feeling stressed? They've been saying really out of character things."
I had a client whose sister called her crying, saying, "He's so worried about you, he thinks you're having a breakdown." The narcissist had gotten there three days earlier. Three days!
The narcissist is doing this so they get in there before you do. They know it's only a matter of time before you start speaking truths, so if they can manipulate the situation in any way, they will do that gladly. Don't think this is a narcissist venting.
They're merely building a case against you so that eventually, you become isolated. When the time comes and you start speaking up, the narcissist will have already made you seem the problem. The smear campaign waits for no man, and that's exactly what this is.
I would advise you to continue seeing what you see, and don't back away from this awakening just because you feel slightly concerned that the narcissist is reacting by playing the people you know.
It's sadly a sacrifice you have to make, and many survivors of narcissistic abuse will attest to losing loved ones. If it means you see through them and walk away, then it's a compromise you have to make, even if it isn't ideal.
4 The narcissist pulls away just so you chase them
Something happens inside the narcissist when they realize none of the above gets to you. If all else fails, then to them, the only option that suits them is to go cold and hope you can find it in yourself to chase them.
They know that previously all the times they've retreated, you've wondered what was wrong, or if you did something to upset them. You've chased, begged, cried, tried to make it right, and all because they were bored and wanted to see you give affection and attention all over again.
I had a client message me at 2am saying, "He's gone silent for six days and I don't even care." That's when you know the spell is broken.
Knowing this, they try to see if all that will work again, so they wait. The only answer is to let them try and fail. The thing with seeing through someone is that you can't ever see that person the same again.
Baiting you to want to bridge the distance they create would usually make you be first in line to want to fix the gap, but this time, that won't happen, right? RIGHT?!
5 And you? Well, you already know far too much
That's the icing on the cake now. You know too much. Seeing through the narcissist means you have started to understand their behavior, why they go all out to make your life miserable.
You see the games they play, and how they use people instead of loving them like they promise to.
I had a client say to me, "Alexander, once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it, and he could feel that in the room." That's exactly what happens. They sense it.
You've been victim to this for too long, and now's the time for you to use this chance to leave and walk away. The narcissist will cycle through every single tactic that's worked previously, but seeing as nothing will work, they then really know the extent of your awakening.
Yes, they treat people who see through them differently, and that's down to the dynamic shifting, and wanting to see if they can move it back to how it was before.
When all else fails, they know you've seen too much, know too much, and will never trust or believe them again.
6 Suddenly, They're Everywhere You Look
You block them, you go no contact, you swear you're free. Then what happens?
They're at the coffee shop you go to. They're commenting under a mutual friend's post. Your sister mentions she bumped into them at the grocery store. "Weird, right? They were asking how you are."
Isn't it funny how somebody you're supposedly done with can't seem to actually leave?
Once a narcissist knows you see them, they don't just vanish quietly. They loiter. They hover. They pop up in the corners of your life like a bad smell you can't trace. And why? Because they need to know how you're doing without them.
They need to see if you're falling apart. They need proof that they still exist to you.
I've had clients tell me, "Alexander, I swear they know when I'm having a good week. That's when they show up." And you know what? They probably do. Because someone is always feeding them information.
Their presence, even the whisper of it, is meant to unsettle you.
Don't let it.
7 The Guilt Trip Nobody Asked For
Oh, you thought you were free of the emotional weight? Think again.
Once a narcissist realizes you've seen through them, the guilt trip arrives like clockwork. And it's not subtle either.
"After everything I've done for you, this is how you treat me?"
"I guess I was never good enough for you, was I?"
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists"You're just going to throw away all those years?"
Recognize any of these? I bet you do.
The guilt trip is their last-ditch attempt to pull you back into that familiar spot where you second-guess yourself. Where you start wondering if maybe, just maybe, you're being too harsh. Too quick to judge.
But here's the thing. You didn't ask for the guilt. You didn't sign up to carry the weight of their feelings on top of your own healing.
And they know that. They just don't care.
The moment you stop apologizing for seeing them clearly is the moment the guilt trip stops working. Let them lay it on thick. You don't have to pick it up.
