My goodness, for the second time today, the narcissist has locked the bathroom door again! This is the third time today, what on earth could they be doing? Well, like any other time they lock themselves away, you used to think nothing of it.
And once you start noticing, you really can't stop. Suddenly every closed door, every quiet hour, every phone flipped face down feels loaded. Doesn't it?
Now you've noticed they do it, you can't not notice. As much as you may have feared affairs, this is going to hit you even more strangely. It's also a whole heap more revealing about the kind of person you're dealing with than you ever thought possible.
It explains everything, so here is what narcissists do in secret.
1 They love to maintain a second phone (maybe even life!)
I hate to say it, and I am starting in the deep end here, but it's true. What I don't want you to assume is that this automatically means the narcissist is cheating on you, although there is a strong possibility that this is the case.
In instances like this, a narcissist in secret will have a whole second persona that you don't even know about. He might be logged into different forums, pretending to be 23 instead of 53. He's not a factory worker; he's a CEO.
He comes from a totally different state or city than he really is. He is texting his ex from a decade ago convincing them that they're still single. And all before he stretches over and says good morning to you.
So many narcissists run parallel lives on social media accounts, maybe even under the guise of a false name.
And here's the kicker. When you finally stumble on something, a notification, a stray login screen, they'll look you dead in the eye and say, "You're being paranoid." Right?
Can you imagine for a moment the gravitas of that, and how you potentially may be living with someone whom you actually know nothing at all about? Someone I worked alongside many years ago told me they found an account online of their partner's face, but a fake name.
It was on their phone when they asked if they could use it to take a photo, and it was just the tip of the iceberg. Friends and dating sites, even credit cards that were sky high without the knowledge of their partner. Why does this happen?
It's because a narcissist isn't content with just one life and what that entails. They want more and more and more all the time, because every lie and every exchange means the narcissist gets all the supply they want, like it's on tap.
Keeping it a secret from you is their priority. The less you know, the better.
2 They keep track of everyone in their minds
Everyone the narcissist knows has an invisible string attached to them. Not the cute kind that means they're all connected and never truly far from their heart, but the controlling kind that means nobody is ever escaping from their claws.
Down those strings are the memories the narcissist has of them. This person owes me money. That person wronged me five years ago and I still haven't forgiven them. This person thinks I am an amazing father. That person is onto me.
I don't like this person's relationship with my wife.
I had a client say to me once, "I swear he remembers things I said three years ago better than I do." That's not love. That's data collection. Right?
Everyone has that label on them, and the narcissist can list everything about everyone they know. Have you ever noticed those silent car journeys with the narcissist you know? Sometimes, they aren't giving you the silent treatment. Sometimes they're updating that internal database that they're keeping.
He is moving your friend, Rose from being okay to being a threat. He's recalling his coworker, Steve to the nice guy for now position because Steve always defends him in the staff room. It's constant, and yes, I imagine tiring, too.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThat's the life of a narcissist though, and in secret they're never stopping updating their internal server who is who and why.
3 They practise their faces
How else do you think the narcissist is able to get away with such convincing performances? They don't just roll out of bed and make it happen without any pre-thought or practise! I know it sounds completely mad, but you have to believe me here.
Those who have caught a narcissist creating and rehearsing different faces will know just how much effort they put into maintaining this image out there in the world. There's the sad eyes. Then there's the surprised look. The interested, "I am really listening to you" face.
The disappointed half smile of disapproval, and then the flirty wink. That last one makes me cringe the most because, well, imagine practising a wink while nobody is looking?
I had a client once walk in on her husband rehearsing a teary face in the bathroom mirror, tilting his chin until the light hit right. She never looked at him the same again.
Weird? I think so! I like to remind people that narcissists do this because when they're out in public with one, it can really seem like their faces change and shift in a split second. You think, "How are you doing this? How do you look so cool?
How do you seem so happy when five minutes ago you were yelling at me in the car?"
Because a narcissist will carry a bag of masks with them, and apply one as soon as they need to. It's all pre-thought out. It's the plan.
It's how they want to make it seem as though they're an authentic person, when in fact, reality couldn't be further from that statement.
4 They sulk for their little audience of one
Let me make this clear for you:
The narcissist is always going to be the lead character of their own story and life. We all should be that in a way, but this is that immovable priority that nobody else can ever top. In private, they will sit and perform to themselves, just like above.
Only this time, they're sulking. They drop their shoulders in just the right kind of manner, and sigh helplessly to absolutely nobody.
I had a client describe walking past the living room and seeing him slumped on the sofa, sighing at the wall. She said, "He didn't even know I was there." Or did he?
They want to appear as if everyone has wronged them, and they do that so well all by themselves. It gets worse…
A narcissist will do this because their life to them is like a constant movie running. He wants to create that lonely shot of himself alone as it feeds the story that somebody has been unkind, or he has got so much on his plate right now.
There doesn't have to be a camera around, or anyone else for that matter. So long as the narcissist is acting out, they're happy…
…Even if they don't seem to be.
5 They document their own lives
Narcissists are great at documenting their own lives. They want to run it through from beginning to end, and so everything that happens in between must be kept. Your voice notes they save. The screenshots they make of their own texts.
I had a client show me a folder on her ex's phone labelled 'receipts.' Screenshots of every nice text he'd sent her, going back three years. Three years!
Little folders with only the best selfies in them that they can reach out for at any time. You might ask yourself why anybody would do this, and the simple answer is:
Because narcissists want to build a file to use against you, or anybody else someday. They want evidence of what a good person they are, or how brilliant they've been to you.
They want to prove how composed and reassuring they've been, and that will go against anything you have to say to the contrary. If that doesn't freak you out, then nothing will.
6 They Rehearse Conversations You Haven't Even Had Yet
You ever caught a narcissist replying to something you were about to say, before you said it? It's not a coincidence.
They've already played the conversation out in their head. Probably more than once. They've worked out what you'll say, what they'll say back, where they'll twist it, and what tone they'll use to make you doubt yourself.
A client told me once that she walked into the kitchen ready to bring up the credit card bill, and before she could even open her mouth, he said, "I know what this is about, and honestly, I'm hurt you'd even think it." She froze. She hadn't said a word.
That's not intuition. That's rehearsal.
They run drills. They prepare counter attacks for arguments that haven't happened yet. They have lines ready. "You always do this." "Why are you trying to start something?" "I knew you'd bring this up."
And when you finally do speak, it feels like you're walking into a trap that was set days ago. Because it was. Creepy, isn't it?
7 The Secret Stash of Screenshots
Oh, you didn't know about this one? Buckle up.
Narcissists keep receipts. Not the way a normal person might save a sweet text or a funny meme. I mean a full archive. Screenshots of things you said in anger three years ago. That one message where you swore.
The voice note where you cried and said something you didn't mean.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsAnd why? Because one day, when they need to prove you're the unhinged one, they'll have the evidence ready to go.
I've had clients tell me, "He pulled up a screenshot from 2021 in the middle of an argument about the dishes." Make it make sense, right?
You can't. Because it isn't about the dishes. It's about having ammunition. Always.
What's worse, they edit context out. The screenshot starts at your reaction, never at what they did to cause it. Clever, isn't it? Clever in the worst possible way.
So while you were trying to move past arguments, they were quietly building a case against you. Charming.
