The game was the narcissist's to play, and for you to never figure out. You were never the problem, but you became their problem when you started mirroring that game back to them. They built it all, you see.
They wrote all the rules, and decided what the punishments were for cheating it.
And you followed those rules for years, didn't you? Head down, doing your best, walking on eggshells, hoping today would be the day they eased up.
When that ultimately changed, and you figured out their crazy rules for yourself, you wanted to show them what it felt like to be a part of it. This is where it gets interesting: watch what happens.
1 Right away, the narcissist spots it
I mean, I can't lie. It's going to be immediate, and that will be what initially gets the narcissist's attention. This happens when you stop reacting the way the narcissist expects you to react. The length of time you've known them, the narcissist has seen you react in certain ways.
You are predictable to them, and they love that about you (note I didn't say they love you). When you stop giving them what you usually give them, the tears, the tension, the begging, the anxiety, the sadness and pain, they feel it throughout their body.
The beauty is, you don't have to say a word. What you do instead is much better:
You take your time when you will have once jumped up to reply to their text within a minute. You stop explaining yourself for twenty minutes and instead give them a shrug and a one word answer.
You say "okay," and just move on like it's nothing, because that's what it is. Best of all, when the narcissist starts dishing out the comments telling you how sensitive you are, you just nod and give a polite smile.
I had a client describe it as finally sitting in the front row of her own life instead of running around backstage fixing his lighting.
The narcissist will study you like you're some kind of rare species they've never heard of. What happened to you? Where did you go? They won't know what to do with you, and that will sting for them.
All this time, they've relied on you to be their source of supply that jumps when they say how high, and now you're appearing aloof and it will be worrisome for them.
2 Love-bombing 2.0, watch out!
What other choice does the narcissist have? They have to love-bomb you if they want to try to win you back and talk you out of this new person you're trying to be. You'll see them reappear and pretend to be the very person you met them as.
This presentation will knock you sideways and tempt you into believing that all of what you are doing is playing them against your own imagination, but that's not the case at all. The narcissist is onto you, so they will tell you they miss you and love you.
They will want you to know that they think nobody gets them how you get them.
Cue the classic line, "I've changed, I promise. Nobody understands me like you do." Same script, same delivery, and they honestly think you won't recognise it.
Like I said; tempting. And it's their oldest trick in the book, but now you're awakening, you can see it for what it truly is; one big lie after lie.
This is what is known as the narcissistic reset button, where they want to go back to the beginning, like factory resetting their cell phone, and start again. They think you're that dumb, but you're not.
If I can ask one favor of you, it's that you notice this as soon as it happens, and not get swept up by their attempts to lure you back in. You haven't forgotten everything that's happened in between.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou will keep yourself safe and sane by sticking to your intuition and playing them at their own game.
3 Reactions are wanted, so the narcissist tries harder
When the narcissist fails at luring you back in, you won't see a tactic switched faster. You'll hear them criticize you, and it will be loud. They will sharply put you down, mock you, or tell you how horrible you look. You've changed.
Everyone thinks you've been acting up lately, not just me. I'm worried about you. Is there something else going on? Notice how these phrases point to the narcissist blaming other aspects of your skin rather than themselves.
What's actually going on is a little narcissistic fishing; they love to see what bait you will take, and will try all options. The reaction is what they are after, so it just becomes this obsession with doing what it takes to make that happen.
If they could say, "This isn't right, and I want my control back!", they would. But they're not that stupid, so they pull out the tricks instead.
I had a client tell me her ex went from love letters to, "You look tired, people are talking," inside the same afternoon. Same person, different bait.
Now is the time to stay calm. Their game is only going to work if you participate.
4 Duck: low flying accusations!
As you start to see the narcissist push and push you more into reacting, I want you to be prepared for low-flying accusations that will come at you thick and fast. You're playing games with me. I don't even know you any more.
This isn't you, you are being difficult. Again, it's still your fault. You're playing them at a game they're not used to seeing you play, and for them, it's extremely difficult to then know what to do.
Blaming you seems like the only option they have to save their dignity when really, they have none at all.
I will add though, there is an evil coldness that the narcissist will exude, and that's designed to put you on edge and make you retreat from this new game you're playing.
That coldness is a test. They want you to think you've gone too far, that you've broken something. You haven't. You've just stopped playing along.
Don't. Stay as you are, and make sure you keep doing what's best for you. In truth, they're kind of right anyway; you have changed! But that's a good thing. It shouldn't be that you're punished for standing up and refusing to take their crap any longer.
5 You need to tread carefully, here's why
This is the bit where I get a little honest:
When you play the narcissist's game, it can feel so empowering. What you don't want is to get drawn into the same kind of manipulation and calculated moves they give out to you.
This is not a game that I want you to feel like you need to be just like them playing. It is useful to detach. It's brilliant to stop overexplaining yourself. You're protecting yourself, and I think it's pretty obvious this is a good thing.
It gets tricky when you take it a step too far, because you end up doing something you were never really built for: being toxic.
There's a fine line between playing smart and turning into a mini version of them. You want to walk away from this stronger, not colder. Keep checking in with yourself.
You don't have to be a narcissist in order to outsmart them.
6 You want to win? Here's where to go next
I need you to lose! That's where you're going wrong. This isn't about you not resting until you get the last word, it's about sticking to your morals and knowing right from wrong. Who cares if they never apologize to you? Chasing it will only exhaust you.
Waiting for it will only waste your time and keep them in full control.
The apology isn't coming. Not a real one anyway. And even if it did, it'd be another manipulation dressed up in nicer words. So stop waiting.
The game they built requires you to take part. If you knock them back and play your own, wiser game, you will find that by default, you'll naturally win.
7 Silence hits them harder than any comeback
You know what a narcissist wants more than anything after they've poked at you? A reaction. Any reaction. A snappy comeback, a long text, tears, a slammed door. It all counts. It all feeds them.
So don't give it.
Silence throws them completely. They start refreshing their phone. They read old messages looking for a clue. They ask a mutual friend if you've said anything. Suddenly they're the one waiting, and they hate waiting.
And here's the sneaky part. Silence isn't you being cold or petty. It's you refusing to play a round of a game rigged against you. The clever comeback you rehearsed in the shower? They'd twist it. The paragraph you drafted at 1am?
They'd screenshot it and show people how "unhinged" you are.
Say nothing. Do nothing. Let the message sit unread. Let the missed call be a missed call.
When a narcissist can't provoke you, they lose their footing. They came at you expecting a match, and you didn't show up to the court. That silence, honestly, is louder than anything you could have said.
8 The audience trick: bringing in flying monkeys
Narcissists love an audience. They round up their flying monkeys, the mutual friends, the family members who don't know any better, the co-worker who's always been on their side, and use them to back up whatever version of events makes them look good.
See also Do These 3 Things And The Narcissist Will Suddenly Respect And Fear YouSo flip it. Have your own people around when it matters. Not to fight your battles, just to be present. Witnesses.
When there's a calm, neutral third party in the room, the narcissist can't pull out the usual antics. They can't twist your words, because someone else heard them. They can't rage, because it would ruin the image.
Suddenly they're on their best behaviour, and it costs them something to keep it up.
You're not stooping to their level. You're just refusing to be alone in a room where you know the story will get rewritten afterwards.
And here's what's funny. The narcissist trained you to fear their flying monkeys. Watching them squirm when you have people of your own? That's the moment the whole game shifts.
