Narcissists are running on fuel you can't see. They've got desires bubbling away under the surface, the kind they will never say out loud, the kind they barely even admit to themselves.
And those desires? They're shaping every single thing they do to you.
It's like trying to play a game where only one person knows the rules.
You're sat there thinking it's about love, or family, or building a life together. They're sat opposite you, secretly playing a totally different game with a totally different scoreboard.
And until you know what they actually want, you'll keep losing.
What's Really Driving Them?
Honestly? Things you would never, in a million years, want for yourself.
Healthy people want connection. They want to be loved, to be understood, to grow alongside somebody they care about. Narcissists want something else entirely, and that something else is wrapped up in control, supply, ego, and an endless hunger that nothing seems to fill.
You don't see it because they don't show it. The charm covers it. The compliments cover it. The "I've never felt this way about anyone" line really covers it. By the time the desires start leaking out, you're already in too deep to easily walk away.
I Wish I'd Known Sooner
Don't we all? Imagine if somebody had sat you down before you met them and said, "Look, here's what this person actually wants from you, and none of it is what they say it is."
That's what I'm doing today.
Because once you see these desires for what they are, you stop blaming yourself. You stop wondering what you did wrong. You start to realise the things they do aren't reactions to you, they're expressions of something rotten inside them.
Ready? Let's pull back the curtain.
1. First Place Or Bust
Show me a narcissist who doesn’t want to be first, and I’ll show you a unicorn. They don’t exist.
Better than you. Better than the neighbor. Better than the colleague who just got promoted. Better than their own sibling, their own parent, and yes, even their own kid.
That last one always gets me. I’ve had clients tell me, “My mom couldn’t even let me have my graduation day. She turned up in a white dress and spent the whole afternoon talking about her career.” Sound familiar?
This isn’t healthy ambition. Healthy ambition lifts other people along the way. The narcissist’s version of winning requires somebody else to lose, and they don’t mind if that somebody is you.
They’ll take credit for your idea in a meeting. They’ll one-up your good news with a story of their own. They’ll quietly sabotage you and then act shocked when it all falls apart.
First place or bust. And they’ll happily bust you to get there.
2. They Want You All Alone
And once they’re first, they need to make sure nobody is around to challenge that. Honestly, what kind of person actually wants you to end up alone? Like, properly alone. No friends checking in, no family at the end of the phone, no co-worker you can grab a coffee with.
Who sits there and thinks, "Yeah, that's the goal"?
Narcissists. That's who.
And here's the thing, you won't notice it happening. That's the whole trick. It's slow. It's quiet. It's a little comment here about your best friend ("She's always been a bit selfish, hasn't she?"), a little eye roll there when your sister calls.
Bit by bit, the people in your life start to feel like a hassle. You start cancelling plans. You stop mentioning things to your mum because it's just easier.
And then one day you look up and the room is empty.
Why do they want this? Simple. If you've got nobody, you've got them. That's it. No one to whisper in your ear and say, "Hey, the way they spoke to you last night wasn't okay." No one to remind you of who you were before all of this.
So when they hit you with, "Nobody else would put up with you, you know," guess what? You start nodding along. Because you look around and the seats are empty. The evidence, in your head, backs them up.
I hear this from clients all the time. "Alexander, I don't even know who I'd call." That sentence breaks me every time. Because they used to have a list. A long one. The narcissist just slowly crossed every name off.
3. Show Me The Money!
And then there's the money. Ohhh, money. The narcissist loves it like nothing else, and the more they have, the louder they'll be about it.
It's never quietly tucked into a savings account either, is it? No. It's the flashy car parked where everyone can see. It's the watch they keep glancing at so you have to ask about it.
It's the designer label peeking out from a sleeve, the holiday photos posted from somewhere expensive, the casual mention of "Oh, I just picked up another property."
In their head, money equals success, and success equals worth. The two are stitched together so tightly they can't see one without the other. "Look how much I earn," really means, "Look how clever I am. Look how charming. Look how superior."
And here's the thing. They genuinely believe they earned every cent through sheer brilliance. The manipulation, the stepping on people, the lies told along the way? Conveniently edited out of the story.
To them, the bank balance is the receipt for their greatness.
4. Spotlight? Hand It Over
Money buys them attention, sure, but it's never going to be enough on its own. Narcissists need attention the way plants need sunlight. And if plants could talk? They’d only talk about themselves.
That puffed up ego doesn’t run on much, it runs on eyes, ears, and applause. Constant validation. Constant being looked at. Without it, they wilt.
Think of them as emotional black holes. They suck in every compliment, every admiring glance, every drop of attention in the room, and it’s still not enough. There is no “enough” for them.
Ever been at a dinner where a narcissist somehow turns a conversation about your new job into a thirty minute monologue about their old one? Yeah. Me too.
And if the spotlight does drift away from them, watch what happens. They’ll interrupt. They’ll one up. They’ll suddenly feel ill. They’ll start an argument. Anything to drag the camera back to their face.
They will not stop until every eye is on them.
5. Love Me, Everyone, Right Now
Attention alone won't do it either. Have you ever met somebody who needs everybody, and I mean everybody, to love them? That’s the narcissist.
It’s not enough that their partner adores them. The cashier at the grocery store has to be smitten. The neighbor has to think they’re wonderful. The guy who fixed their car better have walked away thinking, "Wow, what a great person."
Their whole sense of self is propped up on what other people think. So when one person doesn’t play along, when somebody is just polite instead of impressed, it shakes them to the core.
I’ve heard clients say, "They came home furious because someone at the party didn’t laugh at their joke." That’s it. That’s the whole reason for the mood.
And what does that look like for you? You get the silent treatment, the snapping, the moaning all night. Because one stranger didn’t bow.
Exhausting, isn’t it?
6. The Job That Makes You Jealous
Now, where do they think all this admiration is going to come from? Their job is a huge piece of it. A narcissist's job has to make you flinch a little when they say it out loud. That's the whole point.
If the title doesn't impress, if the salary doesn't make somebody's eyebrow twitch, then what was it all for?
I call it peacocking. Tail feathers up, full display, walking through the room making sure you got a good look.
A regular nine to five just won't do, because in their head, they were always meant for something bigger. And not only do they have to believe that, you have to believe it too.
It's the title. The corner office. The salary they slip into conversation like it's nothing. "Oh yeah, I was just on a call with the CEO." Sure you were.
"You wouldn't understand the pressure I'm under."
"Most people couldn't handle what I do every day."
Heard it. So many times.
And here's the thing, it's rarely about the actual work. Ask them what they genuinely love about it and watch the silence sit there for a beat too long. They don't know. They never thought about it. The work was never the point. The bragging rights were.
If their job doesn't make somebody's stomach knot up with envy, they feel small. Worthless, even.
Imagine choosing a career not because it lights you up, but because it makes other people miserable. That's not ambition, is it? That's just a sad little engine running on other people's reactions.
7. Shiny Things Everywhere
And then there's the stuff. Narcissists are human magpies, I swear. If it doesn’t glint, glimmer, or come with a logo big enough to read across a parking lot, they don’t want it.
And it’s never really about the thing itself, is it? It’s about what the thing announces. The watch, the car, the kitchen renovation nobody asked about, the handbag perched on the table at brunch like it’s a centrepiece.
Each item is a tiny billboard screaming, "Look at me, look at what I have, look at what you don't."
I’ve had clients tell me, "He’d buy a new car and then drive past my mum’s house three times that week." That’s the whole point.
They want you, and everyone watching, to feel a rung or two below them. The stuff is just the prop. The status is the whole show.
