I know you probably met a very charming, very sweet man at one point, who will have swept you off your feet. Over time, that sweetness will rot away into mulch, and you'll see the real person behind that initial pretense. Why is that though?
The mask was always sitting there, ready to slip. You just didn't know it was a mask because he was so good at wearing it in those early months.
What makes someone change so much? It's the fact that they didn't change at all, they just stopped their performance. Being raised by his mother alone means you'll see him go from magical to misogynistic, and here's why.
1 Did you read right?! Mother?!
Any narcissistic mother will raise at least one narcissistic son. It's usually the first born child, because this is the child she can pour all her toxic energy into before anybody else comes along.
She raises a total mirror of herself, and loves to show the world this golden child who can do no wrong. Every single thing he does, and every achievement he earns is all to reflect back onto her.
She sees him almost as an extension of herself, and will push him to do everything perfectly in life so that everyone tells her what a wonderful mother she is, and how bright and clever her son is.
He can do no wrong, and all the times she should have held him accountable, she makes excuses for him. He then grows up to expect the same kind of treatment from everybody else.
The narcissistic mother will tell her son that any woman who doesn't serve him well and comply isn't good enough. "Get rid of her, you deserve so much better! She doesn't understand you or how special you are."
He believed her. All those years of listening to someone who told him he was the best thing in the world, and everything he touched turned to gold? Yeah. That's a real recipe for disaster if you ask me.
I had a client tell me her ex would call his mother mid argument, put her on speaker, and let her list all the ways his girlfriend was failing him.
2 The message from her that needed no texting
All through his childhood and growing up, the word misogyny would have become a subconscious part of his behavioral traits, without even realizing there's anything wrong with being such.
He would deny being this way, and would probably even celebrate who he is even if he was so clearly someone who despised women and only saw them as objects that should obey.
It's all taught from his mother, who, instead of having any kind of conversation about how special women are and how respected they should be, taught him that a woman's existence is to take care of you, and anyone who pushes back is a threat.
Any woman who does better than you is dangerous, and if any woman leaves you or cheats, they're never to be forgiven. He learned how to manipulate and control by watching his narcissistic mother.
She probably said things like, "A real man doesn't let a woman talk to him like that," or "Women are just after your money." He absorbed every word.
I bet all of this is reading and playing out like it's your own life, am I right?
3 They're great at the charm
Oh, a narcissistic man is full of charm. They are exceptional in the beginning of making you feel like you're the only woman in the world, and the only person who matters to him.
I had a client tell me her narcissist called her his soulmate on date three. By month six, he was telling her she reminded him of his awful ex.
It is how they make you feel chosen, and of course, that comes with comments like:
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseYou're not like any other woman I've met. There's just something about you. I've never opened up like this before. My ex was crazy. I'm so lucky to have found you.
This is all well and good until you meet them at a place where you disagree with something they've said or done. You challenge them, and the end of the world feels like it's on your doorstep. That charm you saw before is always replaced with someone cold and uncaring.
They aren't bothered about you, and it will remind you of someone close to them…
…Their mother.
4 Love vs hate of women
I know it can confuse you but it really is something that you can't ignore. A narcissistic man will never openly be hateful. He rarely, if at all will just walk around calling women names to their faces, no. It's much more clever than that.
He will talk over you in a room full of people. He will then tell you later on that day that you weren't making sense when you were talking, so that's why he had to cut in.
He will criticize how you dress, making it seem like he's coming from a good place where he wants to help you.
He makes a joke about you that's mean and in front of his friends, and when you become upset by it, he quietly tells you that you're too sensitive. The reason he needs a woman so badly is because his mother trained him to need one. To use one.
That's why whenever one comes along, he punishes them the way he does. He sees them as a waste of space, yet as a commodity that he can't afford to live without.
He wants her there so he can resent her being there. He needs her close so he can push her far. It's a horrible little loop of his own making.
Do as I say, not as I do. That's his motto. It must be so strange to live in that kind of body, don't you think?
5 The narcissistic man won't tell you this…
I love to let you into the odd secret, and this one is no exception…
The narcissist's mother's love came with conditions. This was pretty much always the case, but those conditions were:
Behave in a way I want you to. Reflect me perfectly. Constantly do me proud. Never take a wrong step. If you do that and more, we will be okay, if you misbehave or let me down, I will take all my love, warmth and affection away. Stay in line.
Underneath it all, the narcissistic man then grew up petrified of a woman who couldn't be controlled, because that would mean the warmth was going to leave all over again. He won't tell you that part.
It's too vulnerable to let out there, and trust me, that will be the last thing the narcissist wants to do. You know what? He may not even be aware of it himself, not consciously at least.
What he does know, is that when you stand your ground, it makes him mad.
Because standing your ground means you're not his mother, and you're not her stand in either. You're just a woman refusing to shrink. To him, that feels like danger.
6 You're living it; you didn't create it
Everything you experience is because of how this narcissistic man was raised, and not because of anything you did wrong. You didn't create this mess; how could you?
He came along after being raised like the sun shone from him every time he bent over, and none of it was because of you. Yet there you are, sitting across the breakfast table from him, watching him just be this egotistical, toxic man you wish you never met.
And you sit there wondering how a grown man can act like the world owes him breakfast, praise, and silence, all before 8am.
I know that figuring out this wasn't you doesn't make it easier right away, but it should help you realize that you can give him as much patience as you want, but it's not going to make a difference because all those traits and behaviors were built long before you met him.
You were never going to be able to fix any of that, let alone be with him and be respected and happy.
7 What his childhood friends probably noticed
If you could rewind and talk to the kids who grew up on his street, you'd hear things that suddenly make sense.
He was the boy who couldn't lose. Board games ended with the pieces flipped, or with him sulking in his bedroom for the rest of the afternoon. Football in the park was fine until he wasn't picked first, and then, funny thing, he had to go home.
Friends probably noticed how weird he was around his mum. Overly polite in front of her, then bitter about her the second she left the room. Little comments about what she made for dinner, what she wore, how she laughed too loud.
And girls at school? He either wanted their attention badly, or he wrote them off completely. There was no in between. The ones who ignored him got called names behind their backs. The ones who liked him got dropped the moment they stopped being useful.
Nobody joined the dots at the time. They were ten. But looking back, the pattern was already there, fully formed.
8 Why therapy is a dirty word to him
Suggest therapy to him and watch what happens. His face changes. His shoulders go up. Suddenly you're the enemy for even bringing it up.
"Therapy is for weak people. I'm fine. Why don't you go, since you're the one with all the problems?"
See also Do These 3 Things And The Narcissist Will Suddenly Respect And Fear YouIt's the same script every time. Therapy would mean sitting in a room with someone (probably a woman, he thinks bitterly) who would ask him about his mother. And that door stays shut. Bolted. Nailed over.
Because he knows, somewhere deep down, that if he actually opened it, everything he's built his identity on would come apart. The contempt he holds for women, the puffed up masculinity, the constant need to dominate.
All of it traces back to a small boy who felt suffocated and never got to say so.
So therapy becomes a threat. A dirty word. He'd rather burn the whole house down than admit he needs help understanding why he is the way he is.
And that's often where the story stays.
