Let me make it crystal clear for you:
Being virtuous does not make you old-fashioned. I say that specifically to those out there who've previously told me via your emails and comments online that this is how you'd describe yourselves, only because that's how the narcissist described you.
Rather than that, I'd like to describe you as living by a clear code that is unshakable by other people.
One woman emailed me saying her ex called her "boringly wholesome" like it was an insult. Read that back. He was mocking her for having a spine. Tells you everything, doesn't it?
It's a code that is clean and traditional, and you keep to your word. I'd say that described a virtuous woman; one who lives and loves by her own morals. Here is why narcissists fear you the most.
1 She can't be bought by sweet, sickly compliments
When you know who you are, to the point where nobody can shake that away from you in any way, you're a person who doesn't fall for anything remotely flattering. Sure, you take a compliment, you politely say thank you, and you move on with your day.
A narcissist will regurgitate the same compliments with whoever they meet along the way, and that's where the problem lies. If you're virtuous by nature, you thank them, but the compliment itself doesn't land.
It doesn't then affect your opinion about yourself, or leave you feeling as though you're at the mercy of this person who seemingly broke through your exterior.
I had a client tell me her ex actually said, "Wow, you didn't even blush." He was rattled. He'd never met a woman his compliments bounced off. Sound familiar?
You should honestly see a narcissist's face when they compliment you and you thank them and carry on with whatever it is you're doing. It's as if you've offended them. They want to see you raise your shoulders in joy that they've paid you attention.
They want you to eat that compliment out of their hands to show that they have the kind of move that powers the play in their direction. When you shrug a compliment off, you're rejecting their charm without saying so. That is lethal to the average narcissist.
2 She sits on a level of authority above him
Get ready to go a little deeper here…
…You are a person of higher authority, and that's by nature, not by force. You are a person of faith, and you answer to that faith first and foremost.
You have this innate sense of what's right and wrong, without anybody getting in the way and trying to sway that in some way. You answer only to your own conscience and you don't allow anybody to get in the way of that.
The narcissist is unable to fire at you. They're unable to get under your skin, because in order to do that, they'd have to get past much more than you alone.
You've got your empire of morals set up, and you want to meet someone who appreciates that, has their own, and respects yours.
While the narcissist is busy wanting their opinion of you to be the final word on your worth, you have the kind of code that reflects that entirely.
I had a client say to me, "He kept trying to guilt me, and I just kept thinking, none of this matters to me anymore." That's the level. Untouchable.
It's not who I am. I don't do that sort of thing. I don't bend for anybody. Unbearable. A narcissist will dread coming up against this, as it's the kind of authority they fear the most. You can't be moved.
You're your own foundation, and everything built on it is what you want to build. There's no bribing or charming that can change that.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 She has witnesses the narcissist cannot erase or prove wrong
A good, virtuous woman has a long past of stable, consistent relationships. Her friends are probably decades known to them, and while they may appear boring to the narcissist, they're safe and valued by her.
There will be people deeply ingrained into her life whom she will never quit on or neglect. She finds strength in those connections, and sees them as enriching to her life. These kinds of people aren't impressed by the narcissist, you know.
They've known the virtuous woman for decades, and won't be turned against her.
I had a client whose best friend of thirty years just laughed when the narcissist tried to plant seeds about her. Thirty years beats thirty months every single time, doesn't it?
That means the usual smear campaign isn't really going to cut it, in fact, it will be seen as the biggest red flag going. A narcissist can try to say, "This woman isn't stable, and you need to know that" to no avail. It just won't wash.
This is because women who are strong and steady will have the same kinds of people as friends. You're trying to mess with them all? You're in for a big shock, that's for sure!
4 When she says yes or no, she means it
A big one! When you say yes or no, do you mean it? How strong is the tone behind the words you say? When it comes to virtuous women, they mean what they say.
If you're asking them to push back or surrender their boundaries, you're going to be met with a hard no. It won't be up for debate, and a narcissist truly fears that kind of self-certainty.
They're looking for someone they can manipulate, and it's going to be no use if they've met someone unwilling to budge from what they believe in.
I had a client tell me her ex used to say, "You're being difficult on purpose." She smiled and said, "No, I'm just being clear." He hated that. Absolutely hated it.
This is what narcissists are used to; a soft voice agreeing and allowing their boundaries to be eroded. They push and push until they hear the word, "Yes." Compliance is a drug to them, and they will seek it as much as they can.
A woman whose code is stronger than that will not allow this kind of rhythm. She will say no today, the same as she said it yesterday, and will say it tomorrow. If you cry in front of a narcissist and give in, the narcissist will love and understand that.
It's a familiarity to them that they enjoy seeking out, but your assertiveness? That's a big pill to swallow. You will drive them crazy by refusing to abandon it.
5 She doesn't need the narcissist in order to define her
And here we are, the bottom line that packs a powerful punch:
A virtuous woman knew who she was before she met the narcissist. She was sure of herself, and to this day, that sureness remains. She will therefore know who she is when he leaves, too.
She doesn't hang around to check her reflection in his eyes, and every time he tries to manipulate her or redefine her with a comment or a sigh, or a story that never happened, she lets it roll off her shoulders, refusing to absorb the lies.
She's better than that, and as polite as she is, she carries on being exactly who she always was. I like to think of a virtuous woman as being akin to a wall. You can't just knock it down because it's too strong.
You'll hear the insults if you yourself are virtuous.
I had a woman tell me recently, "He said I'd be nothing without him." She laughed and said, "But I was someone before him. He just didn't like her."
You're so boring. How can you be so cold? You think you know it all! You're such a prude. You live this repressed life that's so sad. In other words, they're insulted by your power and steadfast nature. I'd say that was something worth celebrating, wouldn't you?
Being virtuous should have no shame attached to it. Instead, you should be proud of being a narcissist repellent.
6 Her silence isn't empty, it's loaded
Have you ever been around somebody whose silence made you nervous? That's what a virtuous woman's quiet feels like to a narcissist.
She's not sulking. She's not stewing. She's not planning some big dramatic comeback speech either. She's just… thinking. Watching. Absorbing.
And that terrifies them.
Because a narcissist's whole game runs on reaction. They poke, they prod, they say the outrageous thing, and they wait for you to explode or beg or cry so they can twist it later. "See how unstable she is?"
But she doesn't give them that. She sits with it. She lets the silence do the heavy lifting.
And in that silence, they start to unravel. They fill it themselves. They over-explain. They dig their own hole a little deeper, hoping she'll jump in and rescue the conversation.
She won't.
I've had women tell me, "I stopped arguing and he lost his mind." Yeah, of course he did. You took away his oxygen.
Her silence isn't peace for him. It's pressure. And he can feel it building.
7 She sees right through the charm offensive
You know that opening act narcissists put on? The wide smile, the compliments that come a little too fast, the way they lean in like you're the most fascinating person in the room?
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsA virtuous woman clocks it in about three seconds.
She's not swept up. She's not flattered into a stupor. She's watching. And she's thinking, "Why so much, so soon?"
That's the part that terrifies them. Because the charm offensive is the whole opening move. It's how they get their foot in the door. If it doesn't work on her, they've got nothing else in the bag that's half as effective.
I've had women tell me, "I could just feel it was rehearsed." And they're right. It is rehearsed. It's been used on dozens before them, and it usually works.
But not on her.
She smiles politely, maybe. She nods. She might even let them keep going for a minute because it's almost entertaining. And then she walks away, completely unbothered, while they stand there wondering what on earth just happened.
