You feel hollow, with years stolen from your life by a person who was undeserving of them. If you have kids, they're confused, as are you. It's like you went in as a whole person, and you came out whole.
I'm talking about empaths who enter into a relationship with a narcissist.
I had a woman sit across from me last spring and say, "He didn't break me. He tried. He just picked the wrong empath this time." I still think about that.
If you can relate, then this one's for you. That's because there's one kind of empath that the narcissist can't survive, and I see people like her enter my office for therapy at least once a year. She's rare, and she terrifies the narcissist.
See if you recognize her in you as I describe her.
1 The empath stops explaining themselves
How many times have you fallen into the trap of overexplaining? I went to do that, then this happened, and I did that because I… and then before I knew it, this is why I couldn't…
You exhaust yourself trying to appease the narcissist who is evidently angry with you, and for what? All your overexplaining is doing is giving them more ammunition to use against you.
It's as if you are giving them a reason to continue to be mad with you, and if you do that, you're not making anything better for yourself in the long run. Stop. When you do, you become the kind of empath that destroys the narcissist.
You're not giving everything away for a start, which is what they love to see you do. You don't owe them a paragraph of anything.
I had a client who used to send paragraph long apologies for being five minutes late to a phone call. Five minutes! She stopped one day, and he lost it. "Am I not worth a proper response?" No. You're not.
All narcissists rely on their victims to facilitate their control system. If you comply, you're seen as good. If you stop giving them what they're wanting, you end up triggering so many different things inside the narcissist, from fear to panic. Without even trying, you destroy them.
More importantly, the narcissist doesn't feel important enough when you stop giving them those long explanations. They think, "Do I not matter any more?" "Are you not going to give me the time of day?"
No. You're not. You're going to do things your way now, and rather than be destroyed, you will do the destroying.
2 They stop reacting in real time
I cannot stress this enough, but reacting in real time is really not going to do you any favors. Think of it like this:
You are home, and the narcissist comes in from work in a foul mood. He slams the door, and you jump. You get up to see what's wrong, but he yells at you to give him some space, and calls you needy. You feel sad and misunderstood.
You were just checking in. The narcissist screams at you for always getting in their face, and you flinch. Tears fill your eyes as you try to explain that you just care.
I had a client who used to sit on her hands when he started ranting. Literally sit on them. She said it stopped her face from doing the thing he was hunting for.
What's happening here is as soon as the narcissist comes home, they deliver a behavior that prompts a reaction from you. Each jump, tear, flinch and explanation is a reaction to their mood, but nothing actually addresses the mood or indicates why it even exists.
When you stop that (and I know that it's easier said than done, but it's still possible), you stop giving the narcissist a constant stream of supply that they rely on. Save your tears for the shower. Save them for walking the dog round the block.
Do anything that means you are saving face and controlling how you react in real time, because believe me, a narcissist will thrive on your reactions. Cut off that supply, and you're as good as cutting off their oxygen. Empaths every now and then learn to do this well.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseBe one of them!
3 They go silent on their own plans
If you've been in a narcissistic relationship, you'll be so familiar with the following phrases as you're feeling that pain:
I'm thinking of leaving. I spoke to a lawyer. I want to separate. It's not working for me any more. I'm not happy. The narcissist then needs, and indeed does, pilot out their next plan to sabotage you going, or to convince you to stay.
They play nice for a little while, hoping you'll see sense and stay.
I had a client once tell me she smiled and made her narcissist dinner the night before she left. He never saw it coming. That's the whole point, isn't it?
What this empath in particular does is the opposite. They don't speak, they don't offer what's on their mind; it's useless, and they know their words will be used against them in some way. Instead, that lawyer is simply booked.
The new account they wanted to open without the narcissist is done on their lunch break using their phone. By the time the narcissist noticed this change, the wheels in motion were already moving.
There's never any time for the narcissist to manipulate the situation to how they want because the empath in this instance has just moved on; their mind made up. The narcissist can ask them, "Is everything okay?" The empath smiles in return, "Sure. All's good."
Meanwhile, the key to their new flat is resting silently in their jean pocket, all ready for action.
4 They start believing everything they see
This certain kind of empath is fantastic at believing everything they see. For years, they'll have been talked out of everything, being convinced that they're just imagining whatever it is they are seeing for real. What usually happens here is they believe the love they feel for the narcissist.
They think it's so real that they'd never possibly try to gaslight them or coerce them into another version of reality. One morning, something switches.
I had a client sit across from me and say, "Alexander, I saw the receipt with my own eyes, and he still had me apologising by the end of the night." That was the switch moment.
That empath realizes all the times they skipped over actual evidence and instead took the narcissist's word for it. NO. I saw what I saw, and I know it was real. That flirty text you saw them send their coworker that they protested was innocent you know wasn't.
As soon as they revert to being able to trust themselves again, it's game over for the narcissist, and everything they try to do or say is then destroyed by the empath.
And no surprises, the narcissist feels as though they're losing their mind because they rely on you being confused for the dynamics to continue to work.
5 They become totally unbothered by the narcissist's image
Oh, you can try to charm the empath, but it won't work. In fact, the more charming the narcissist appears to be, the more it repels the empath. There's just something that isn't right about it, in fact it almost makes them cringe.
Charm is a form of performance, and as you and I both know, a narcissist's charm is fake. It's like going to the theater and watching a play, only not that fun.
I had a client describe her narcissistic ex's charm as watching a magician who thinks nobody can see the strings. She said, "I just felt secondhand embarrassment for him." Right?
This is the kind of empath a narcissist just can't beat, no matter what games they try to play. No strategy cuts through the strength of someone so sure about themselves and the reality they live in.
Image to them means nothing if it isn't even real, I mean, what's the point in building something that doesn't even exist? They see it fools people, and they refuse to allow it to fool them.
I'd say that makes this type of empath unreachable to a narcissist, much to the narcissist's dismay.
6 They Stop Feeding the Emotional Well
Narcissists don't drink water. They drink you. Your worry, your reactions, your late night "are you okay?" messages, your tears, your explanations, your apologies for things you didn't even do. All of it goes straight into their cup.
The empath who destroys them? They shut the tap off.
No more long emotional replies. No more crying where they can see it. No more begging to be understood. No more, "Please just tell me what I did wrong."
And it's not cold, it's just done. There's nothing left to pour.
The narcissist notices immediately. They poke. They provoke. They say something outrageous just to see if you'll flinch. "You've changed, you know." Yeah. On purpose.
What happens when the well runs dry? They get thirsty, and they start looking elsewhere, because a narcissist without emotional supply is like a phone at 2%. Panicked. Scrambling. Desperate.
And you? You're sitting there with all that energy back in your own body for once. Feels different, doesn't it?
7 The Empath Learns to Say No Without Flinching
There it is. The word the narcissist has spent months, maybe years, training out of you.
No.
And here's the thing. When this empath finally starts saying it, they don't dress it up. They don't over explain. They don't add fifteen reasons why, hoping the narcissist will finally understand and give them a nod of approval.
They just say it.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists"No, I'm not coming." "No, I won't be doing that." "No."
Full stop. End of sentence. No wobble.
And the narcissist? They wait. They wait for the follow up, the softening, the "but maybe if..." that always used to come. It doesn't come.
Do you know how disorienting that is for them? They've built their entire strategy around your guilt response. Take that away, and they've got nothing.
The empath who says no without flinching has essentially cut the narcissist's fuel line. They can rev the engine all they want. Nothing's happening.
And that quiet, steady no? It's louder than any argument they ever tried to have.
