I know many of you are dying to crush a narcissist, and usually I'd say, "Don't waste your energy on these parasites."
However, there are times where you have to do something, because the alternative is for them to push you to your limits. That's where the interesting points come in, because taking action can be about not speaking a single word.
A client said to me last month, "Alexander, I just stopped reacting and he absolutely lost it." That right there is the whole secret. Silence does more damage than any speech ever could.
These moves will crush them without a single argument rising. Are you ready to finally change the dynamic?
1 Your emotions need to become unreadable
I know it's hard to think about, but we do need to go there. Giving your emotions to a narcissist works out to be the same kind of precious fuel a driver needs for their car to make it run smoothly. This fuel is what keeps the narcissist going.
In their ever egotistical world, they need you to help them survive. That comes from every tear you shed, each time you snap at them after being cornered to do so, and all those times you are treated with stony silence that sends your anxiety spiraling.
The narcissist knows what they're doing. These games to them are never meant for you to win, but to take part without your consent just so you can eventually lose. And so the question is, how do you make it stop? The answer is incredibly simple:
You just stop giving it. In order for that to be successful, it does involve practice. Essentially, what I'm talking about is an accumulation of the following:
You stop defending yourself.
I had a client describe it perfectly. She said, 'Alexander, the moment I stopped flinching, his face just dropped.' That's the goal. A blank wall where the fuel pump used to be.
The more you defend yourself, the more you're giving the narcissist to work with. The texts that read like paragraphs telling the narcissist why you said what you said, or how it was misinterpreted; it all has to stop.
They want it from you, but if you can be honest with yourself, giving it doesn't change a thing. No explanation. You don't need to tell the narcissist why you were late if they don't do the same for you.
You don't need to tell them why you want to see your friends, or why you listen to the music you listen to. No performances of emotion. Don't yell at them, no matter how much the narcissist pushes you.
There needs to be nothing given to them that they can take and twist however they want. Stay calm, keep it brief. Showing the narcissist that you're hurt or angry will only benefit them, and never you.
If you can nail these emotions becoming unreadable, you will see the narcissist lose interest in real time because they're unable to pull those reactions out of you any longer.
2 Stop the need to seek their validation
Read carefully, because it's getting even more interesting…
…I do not want you to chase the narcissist's approval. You don't need it, you've just been programmed to seek it. Don't look for their apologies; you will never receive one that is authentic enough to itch your scratch.
You do not need their reassurance, not in a world where your own reassurance should be good enough, more than sufficient, in fact. Don't search for their acknowledgement.
I had a client tell me once, "Alexander, the moment I stopped asking him what he thought of my outfit, he started picking at it harder." That's the tell. They feel you slipping.
If they decide to give you the silent treatment; let them on the premise that you already know you did nothing wrong. If you need to make any decisions, you need to remember that you can and should do so without needing the narcissist to agree first.
It's okay to do that alone without fear of consequence. Build your confidence, but do it quietly so you cannot be bullied or swayed to think or act in a way that suits the narcissist, and not you.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThese short, sharp requests are guaranteed to crush the narcissist without saying a single word, and the best part is you're also building a more independent version of you; one that removes their influence they thought they had on you…
…No words needed!
3 Limit how they access your attention
This is where you will need to really consider how you usually respond to the narcissist, and do everything that isn't included in that! It's hard, as you will want to people-please the way you're used to doing, but I want to remind you this:
If you really want to crush the narcissist, so much has to change. When you get that text from them, you put your phone down and carry on with what you're doing.
You tell yourself, "I'll reply in a little while." This won't be what the narcissist is used to, but that's what you are now going to start doing. Share less, and this is important.
I had a client message me once saying, "He sent seventeen texts in two hours because I didn't reply by lunchtime." That right there tells you exactly how much your attention was feeding him.
Sharing information with a narcissist only fuels them with ammunition they'll use against you at a later date. They want to know everything about you so they are up to date with gossip, as well as up to date with all the ways they can get under your skin.
Keep your conversations with the narcissists short, yet practical. Don't give away all your news, because you know what these people are like; they will sabotage all the while they're able to. You do not want this.
The attention you offer is the attention the narcissist will gobble every last crumb of, and that's where you get to decide to starve them instead.
4 Make life improvements without announcing any of them
This is genuinely one of my favorites, because I know how much it drives a narcissist crazy to see you changing, but not being a part of it, or privy to any information as to why.
It's the part where you get to give yourself better routines and increase all the ways you can improve your health. Get your finances sorted, keep track of what you spend and what you save, and keep all that information private.
As for your friendships, you can really crush the narcissist by gaining.
I had a client who started waking up at 6am and walking before work, didn't tell a soul. Her ex asked her three times what she was up to. She just smiled.
Build bridges with old friends, make plans and stick to them, and have fun. You're overdue this, and the narcissist can't and shouldn't stop you from seeing them. With all of this comes one more improvement, and that is the improvement of your peace.
You will notice a huge change in how you feel from day to day, and trust me, once you get a taste of that, you won't go back.
5 Notice the cycle of abuse, and start refusing it
I can't end this without a strong nod to the cycle of abuse that all victims get trapped in. If you're tempted to be drawn back into arguments with the narcissist, resist.
I know it's hard; you're used to going to rock bottom before you have a fragment of happiness afterward when you make up. This isn't how life should be, so stop.
A client told me she used to fight back for hours, just to get one apology. The day she stopped responding, he sent seventeen messages in a row. She didn't read a single one.
Stop correcting every lie they pour out into the world. Don't compete for the last word, who cares if you don't have it? That silence is your superpower, and until now, you've never seen it that way.
If you can be silent consistently when you'd normally be yelling or crying, the narcissist will not know what to do with themselves. That alone is very crushing!
6 Let Your Silence Do the Heavy Lifting
Silence is a strange one, isn't it? We grow up thinking we have to fill every gap with words, with explanations, with reassurance. And the narcissist? Oh, they bank on that. They count on you babbling away, trying to smooth things over.
So when you go quiet, really quiet, they don't know what to do with themselves.
I had a client tell me recently, "I stopped answering his digs. I just looked at him. He completely unraveled." And of course he did! Silence pulls the rug from under them because there's nothing for them to twist. No words to misquote.
No tone to call "aggressive." Just you, standing there, unbothered.
Silence says everything they hate to hear:
You're not worth my breath.
I see you, and I'm not playing.
I'm done.
And the best part? They can't accuse you of anything. You didn't shout. You didn't insult. You just didn't engage.
It drives them up the wall. Quietly, beautifully, completely.
7 Stop Explaining Yourself, Full Stop
You know what they love? When you scramble to justify yourself. When you over explain why you were ten minutes late, why you didn't answer the phone, why you chose the blue mug instead of the red one.
Stop. Just stop.
See also 8 Ways To Ruin A Narcissist's Life Without Breaking A SweatYou don't owe them a paragraph. You don't owe them a sentence. You don't even owe them a reason.
"Why didn't you call me back?" "I didn't."
That's it. That's the whole answer.
See, every time you explain, you're handing them material. You're giving them something to twist, something to pick apart, something to throw back at you three weeks later in a totally different argument. Haven't you noticed that? You explain, and somehow your own words become evidence against you.
So don't feed the machine. "No" is a full sentence. "I'm not discussing this" is a full sentence. "That's my decision" is a full sentence.
And watch what happens. They poke, they prod, they try to bait you into a justification. You stay quiet. You stay unbothered. And they absolutely cannot stand it.
